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Author Topic: Serious boyfriend won't move in?
anonymousfour
Neophyte
Member # 69161

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Hello everyone. I'm writing with a situation that seems to be pretty typical these days, but I kind of wanted some advice as to how to proceed.

My boyfriend and I (he's 24, I'm 22) have been together for over a year. While that might not seem like a long time, we have been through (emotionally) a lot together and this has made our bond pretty inseparable. We're confident that we will get married and have kids one day, just not right now. We hardly fight and always resolve conflicts peacefully. This all sounds great, until you get to the living situation.

I live by myself, he lives with his parents. Due to some personal crises, I began the habit of staying with him at his parents' (they're cool with it) because I needed the support of a family unit, and they welcomed me and absolutely love me. Now, though, after several months of this, it's wearing on me. We live within walkable distance but I find that I'm almost resenting him because I can't wake up in the comfort of my own home...but staying over there was my choice! I'm tired of never having the toiletries I need, coming back home to take a shower, leaving in the morning in last night's clothes, running home quick before work to change. I've talked about him moving in with me and he was hesitant and is now basically avoiding the issue, even though we clearly need a new sleeping situation (we're in a twin...worked well in college, but not as adults!)

I love him very much but I've got half a mind to stop the sleepovers, or at least dramatically reduce them. He's getting the benefits of cohabitation without actually cohabiting! When I suggest staying at my place, it's an "oh, no, I've got to wake up for work in the morning." What does he think I do!?! It's so convenient for him. He gets to stay in his own room, his own house, not pay his own bills. I'm paying my bills and not staying home. What should I do? I want to be nice about it, because I think he's just gotten comfortable with how things are and I want to move forward. I don't want to begin resenting him.

[ 01-05-2012, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: anonymousfour ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It sounds to me like there are two separate, but related, things going on here:
You -- you, all by yourself and about yourself -- aren't comfortable living with his parents anymore so don't want to live there. You, all by yourself, want to move out and live back at your place.
You want him to move in with you because....well, I think there are a bunch of reasons, including wanting that as a way of stepping up the commitment in your relationship, but also because it sounds like you resent things like that you have to pay your own bills, but he doesn't.

I think that to go about this best, it'd probably be wise to separate those things rather than to mush them together, and to talk about them separately. Know what I mean?

Can you also say more about how you feel he gets "the benefits of cohabitation without actually cohabiting?" To me, that sounds more like you just being pissed you don't have a family situation like he has, and I'm feeling a little confused about how that's about your relationship together. I also feel confused about what benefits he's gotten from this arrangement that you haven't. Sounds like you're saying he gets benefits you don't, so it'd help to get your sense of what those are.

Is he even in the financial position to move right now or any time soon?

[ 01-05-2012, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anonymousfour
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Member # 69161

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You are right, there are two separate issues here. First, yes, I do want to live at my own place, and after a recovery period I now feel ready to.
By benefits of cohabitation, I mean he gets the convenience of having his girlfriend with him in the evenings when he wants. He can come home from work and know that I will be there so we can talk, watch a movie, spend time together before going to bed. He gets the benefit of me being there for him whenever he needs it because now it has become habit. I think he's become comfortable with this. He can wake up, kiss me goodbye, and leave for work being able to take a shower at his own house and get ready at his own house. I, on the other hand, have to wake up, make sure I have everything, put on clothes, go home, shower, THEN go to work. The back and forth becomes kind of exhausting. I'm also secretly afraid that he won't propose because of the convenience he has already. The last thing I want is to resent him for this, and I think maybe the solution is to not stay over there as much.

The financial issue is an issue. He has many student loans and even if we worked out an agreement to split the bills at my place it would be a struggle for him. I really do feel bad about this and it's kind of why we're in this predicament. I'm in a financial position where I'm easily able to pay the bills on my own place, even though I'm not there. He's not. We've argued about how he kind of has to live with his parents in order to pay off these loans (could be another 4 years).

I guess my question is, is it okay to cool off sleepovers after doing it regularly for a certain period of time? My fear is hurting his feelings if I say (very nicely) "I'd rather stay at my own place tonight." I guess my big issue is getting the courage to say that to him. Does this help?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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But don't you also get the convenience of having your boyfriend with you in the evenings when you want? Can't you come home from work and know he will be there for all the things you list up there? Don't you also get the benefit of him being there for you when you need or want him?

I'm not trying to be nitpicky here, I'm just trying to understand.

I am hearing what sounds like a very different situation for you in that when you are staying over there, your things don't have permanent places, while his do. And that you don't have any real feeling of your own space in your shared space, while he does. (Do you think he;d have that if he moved in with you, btw? Is there plenty of room in your place for him to have his own space, too, instead of just flip-flopping this situation so he winds up in the position you're in now?)

I think we should talk a bit more about that.

However, no matter what, you get to choose to stay over at his parent's place or not as feels best to you. You're certainly not obligated to be there every night or when you don't want to be, whatever your reasons for that are. If at this point there's no room for you to opt to go have your own time at your own place, I think no matter what else does or doesn't change, it's time for a conversation together where you talk about changing that dynamic so that you have more of that space and freedom that you need.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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