posted
Oh, I just saw your other post, since we were clearly posting at the same time.
I guess my concern with that is that the conflict may actually be bigger, not smaller, when you come back later on and say that when you said you were going on a date, you weren't really honest then EITHER. In other words, that 'truth" is actually creating yet another big lie, thus increasing your list of dishonesties you'll have to contend with. And if you rebuild some trust after saying you went on a date, then when you come clean for real, it'll get knocked down all over again.
Do you know what I mean?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I definitely understand that. I just don't think I can come completely clean and say it's been ongoing for 2-1/2 years...I think that would honestly lead to a disastrous situation....but what you've said makes sense.
Gosh, this has all become such a mess. Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
I've been hoping that, when I do tell her we are dating, the past can be left in the past and we can start fresh on that day. Telling her we're going on a date won't be a lie, because that's what it is, I would just be omitting the two years preceding that that I've been an emotional/anxious/exhausted mess. And maybe someday, long down the line when she sees me as more of an adult, I can really come clean. I just feel like, if I did it now, everything would fall apart.
This whole "date" thing is going to be tough enough as is.
Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
I guess I just disagree with that rationale, and suspect it won't go the way you hope that it will by doing it that way.
But.
This is *your* situation, and you obviously know your mother, likely very well, while I don't know her at all. More to the point, you know what you're capable of handling and what you're not, so my disagreement is just that: mine. I think it's worthy of consideration, but that's about it.
And my being is disagreement doesn't mean I can't help with the plan for what you do want to do if you still want that.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Thanks Heather. I'll definitely consider your point as the time-of-reveal comes closer, but I think this might be a better way when it comes to handling my mom....i hope.
Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
Well, I'm back and more morose and confused and heartbroken as ever.
I had the conversation. My mom's response was the following: "Oh flowers on the first day of school, how nice, as brother and sister, right? NO DATING. You're just a little girl, and he's just a little boy - plus, there's a million other guys out there." "I don't want you dating someone we know and whose Iranian and everyone will talk." "You may be an adult legally but you're not an adult yet. NO DATING UNTIL I SAY SO." "If you bring this up again, I swear I'll bring you home from school." "It's not just your life and your decision, I play a part too." "What's the difference between going on dates and being friends? YOU GUYS CAN JUST GO OUT TOGETHER AS FRIENDS."
There was probably more but that's all I remember.
I don't know what to do now. I really, really don't know.
Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Have you and your partner talked about this together? I'm curious about what he thinks, and what comes up when you took talk about how you want to handle this and feel about it as a couple.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
He's incredibly frustrated. I actually just got off the phone with him. He thinks we should just say fine, don't let them call it dating but still tell them every time we go out to dinner or a movie or somewhere alone.
The fearful, emotionally-exhausted part of me just wants to break up with him and move on from this and forget about it - but the rest of me doesn't want to lose him. I don't know what the right choice is anymore.
Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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Let's assume there is NO family conflict: just pretend for a second.
That given, is this a relationship you'd want to continue? In what way? How do you feel about it, all by itself?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Yes, this is a relationship I want to continue - as a romantic relationship. I'm not promising it's going to last forever (after all, he graduates at the end of this year), but he's a good boyfriend and a good, kind and caring and patient person and has never done anything wrong. If I could separate the parental conflict from the rest of it, I'd be so happy.
The only problem with it, is because of how my mom says things, is that I wonder if, I were to break up with him and date someone else - if she'd be fine with that because it's some random guy, and that makes my mind wander. And I can picture this alternate life where I'm dating some other guy but this other imaginary guy I imagine is exactly like my boyfriend (qualities, personality, just not the same person).
Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
It sounds very much to me like some of your choice here is going to be based in you deciding if you are going to sign unto your mother controlling your romantic life or not -- or how much control you're willing to give her -- something it sounds like would probably go on no matter how old you are.
Obviously, that's so small thing, those are some big choices, especially if it can mean potentially leaving romantic relationships you want and value or taking a stand with your mother. But I do think that, as has been the case for some time now, I'd say, this is a choice you really need to put off making, especially if you don't want this pattern to perpetuate.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I tried taking a stand today, and everything is always a repeat. I can do what my boyfriend thinks is a good idea and tell her every time we're going to lunch/dinner/whatever and she'll have to accept it: but she is so stuck in her mindset she won't shake.
And the largest part of it is: as much as I love him, is it really enough to just love someone? Do I just stay in this relationship and hope that someday it'll be okay for us to be together and get married, even if all signs are pointing away from it?
I see my friends and how their relationships are so free-flowing and open and parents are okay and granted, it's a different culture, but I'm envious. Could there be a chance that, with someone else, everything would be different? But I can't imagine being with anyone else right now.
I'd really like to be able to heal emotionally and be fully happy again, but I don't know how to do that. I'll probably try to see a counselor.
Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
What I mean by a stand is something like, "I am am sorry you disapprove, but I am going to continue the relationship I have been having for several years now, which I value. I hope that you can come to value it too, but if not, I'll just have to live with that. Also, I am an adult, you cannot lawfully come and take me from school anymore."
I'm not sure what you mean by "all signs." Unless I'm missing something, the thing here is your mother's disapproval, and that's it. If I am missing something, my apologies.
In terms of finding out if this could be different with someone else, what do you think? Sounds to me like that's doubtful, but this is your family, so you know them. You could of course always ask your mother to see what she says.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
From what she says, it sounds like she really doesn't want me dating anyone, but ESPECIALLY not my boyfriend. I don't know if she'd be different, she's so mood-changing it's hard to tell, but I don't even know if I want to take the chance.
Thinking of breaking up with him has me in tears right now, hysterically upsetting tears, but I don't know if I have another option.
Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
I'm not sure I understand why you seem to keep making that your only option. A breakup is not your only option. You also have the option to continue that relationship.
Can I ask you to try and talk some about why the idea of standing your ground with your mother in a big way, in a fully honest way, is clearly something so scary to you?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Because it's not going to bring acceptance in any way, shape or form. Not even down the line, not even tomorrow. Telling her everything would literally destroy my life as I know it. She would figure out a way to bring me home, take away financial support for college, turn hell and high water over - I know my mother well enough to know that is never, ever an option - and everyone I've talked to in my family agrees that that is the worst option for me to do.
The option to continue the relationship includes the full knowledge that my parents (my dad agrees with whatever my mom says - seriously my mother is house dictator) will never accept my relationship and I will have to keep it a secret until A) we breakup or B) we graduate college and then maybe, MAYBE things will change.
I just don't know how to stop feeling so miserable.
Posts: 56 | From: Florida | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
What if she took away financial support for college?
Actually, let me do a little hold-up here, so you can know where I'm coming from. I paid for my schooling on my own, took out my own loans, etc. So, for me, not having a parent paying isn't the only way to keep going to school.
Too, it sounds like your mother and people around her have given you the impression she is all-powerful. But she's not, especially with you not being a minor.
I really, really think you need some counseling right now specifically around this relationship with your mother. I'd actually suggest putting any major decisions about anything on hold until you can find and start that. It simply sounds like you are literally unable to live your life with things as they stand, and that until you make a major change -- she's not likely to if you don't, after all -- this isn't going to change no matter what, relationship or no relationship, etc.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Robin Lee
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Member # 90293
posted
So, do you want to explore what keeping your relationship a secret from your parents would be like and feel like?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4410 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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