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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Brand new boyfriend problems

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Author Topic: Brand new boyfriend problems
Member # 70707

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My first (and most recent) relationship lasted about a year and was extremely intense and serious. I have since started dating a boy from my history class, who I am really interested in. He's really sweet and considerate, but he's never had a girlfriend before and it really shows. We don't really get to talk during school except for the 30 second walk to and from second block. Outside of school, we only text, and even that's usually only for thirty minutes. So we rarely talk at all. He said that it's just hard to hang out because he's in marching band and always busy with it, but I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship. I don't know what to do. I really like him, but I'm not happy with the way things are. I want things to be more serious, emotionally as well as physically and it seems like he should be more attached. Instead, we barely talk or see each other even though he says he really likes me and that things will work out.

I want to get emotionally closer to him, but I don't think he understands how to deal with that. I told him I was worried about messing things up, since I'm having a hard time transitioning. He said "It's okay I think?".

We have tons in common and he can be a really romantic and sweet, I just, I just don't know :/


[ 10-13-2011, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: Zooey ]

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Member # 70059

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Hey Zooey,

Have you told him how you feel? It's easy to make excuses for him, and it's great that you're thinking about why he might not have time, but this is a relationship, and your feelings are at stake, too! If you don't have time after school, see whether you could set aside a few hours each weekend to spend together.

Posts: 42 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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My boyfriend used to be in marching band too, (and I know how time cosuming and frustrating it can be) but he made time to talk every night. Maybe call him in the evenings after he gets home? Also, as the above poster said, tell him you want to talk and hang out more so you two can get to know each other better.

It also could be that he's just not all that vested in the relationship right now. If things don't get better after talking to him, maybe wait until marching season is over and go from there. If he's less busy, hopefully he'll make more time for you.

[ 10-14-2011, 06:41 AM: Message edited by: Roxie102 ]

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Hi Zooey,

I agree with whilemyguitargentlyweeps that your feelings are definitely important here too. I guess I have a couple of things that you might want to consider.

First, I guess, is that most of my friends were in marching band when I was in high school. It made it a lot harder to see them- but also not impossible. That said, though, it's a temporary season, right? (I know at my school the marching band only goes through the end of football season, and after that, it takes up a lot less time.) One thing you might consider doing is waiting a few more weeks until the end of football season, and seeing if things change after marching band is taking up less of his time. (Though I know several weeks is in some ways a really long time, so if you're really unhappy, that may not be a feasible option.)

One other thing that I noticed in your post is that a) this is a really new relationship for you guys, and b) you're just coming out of a long-term, intense relationship. Have you considered that maybe he's just in a place where he's not quite ready yet for things to get as intense (emotionally, physically, what have you) as you'd like them to be? It may even be that he doesn't really know how to express it, but is keeping you at a bit of a distance because he's worried about things moving too fast for him. Given how little time you seem to spend together, it seems like you probably haven't had much of a chance to get to know each other yet. (Though correct me if I'm making wrong assumptions.) Wanting to spend more time with him and wanting more intimacy (again, emotional and physical) are two different things--two things that, granted, often overlap, but two different things. If he's hesitant to get more intimate with you so quickly, that's a very different problem from him being hesitant to spend time with you at all, you know what I mean? That might definitely be something to talk out with him as best you can.

The one last thing that I wanted to flag was that I'm not totally sure that the behavior you're describing is a function of him never having a girlfriend before. I'm kind of curious as to why you think that, because it might give me a little more to go on.

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 70707

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Thanks for the answers everyone.
We've made plans to hang out this Sunday and I'm going to try to talk to him about spending more time together then, in person.

We've known each other as casual friends for about two years.

BrightStar- I should have been more clear. He, Z, is a video-game and zombie obsessed boy who, while very sociable and outgoing, is extremely oblivious to how people feel. He's good friends with a lot of girls but he doesn't really get it. I think the behavior is a result of not having a girlfriend before, just because he's doesn't know what's acceptable or unacceptable (of course this changes with every person, but ca va), isn't sure how to differentiate between to treat his girlfriend versus how to treat friends. He ends up treating me the same way he treats his guy friends, only with more door-opening. Conversely, he tries really hard to do what he thinks I want him to do, though a lot of it is misguided.

And for the physical intimacy thing, I don't mean too much. I love giving and receiving lots of affection, nothing too crazy here XD

We talked about things getting better after marching band and I can definitely handle it.

TL;DR - Z is really sweet, but I don't think he understands exactly what to do in a relationship and so he just copies what he sees other people doing. It's nice, but misguided. Our conversations, when we do talk, are usually short and superficial--small-talk. Though we've known each other for two years, we haven't been emotionally close and I'd like change that but he's never been in a situation like that before and I've always been the inexperienced one in my relationships so I am not sure how to bring about said change.

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