Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » hard time thinking about the future

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: hard time thinking about the future
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi,

I came here for support a while ago when my partner came out to me and I totally freaked out. I've changed my display name since because I realized that my name was not so confidential. You locked the topic afterwards so I wouldnt risk being regognized. Remember me?

I just want to start by apologizing, cause I totally freaked out and voiced a lot of fears and shame that were based in homophobia, or biphobia, or negativity at the least. It's been on my mind lately and I feel bad for things I said. And also thank you so much for being patient with me and helping me work through those feelings.

We're still together. We decided to take a year to see how we feel. For him, to figure out how he feels, what he wants, etc. For me, to feel less enmeshed and to work out a more independent sense of me, and to do some healing from past abuse without my healing depending on him. We're out of crisis again.

So, over the summer I've been thinking a lot about different types of relationships and why I reacted so strongly to the thought of possibly being in an open relationship. Note, he didn't even bring that up, and when I did he said he wasn't interested - I could have left it at that, but I felt like it was important for me to explore that reaction, regardless of how he felt about it, because I kind of feel like reacting that strongly to anything is worthy of some internal investigation. I figure it was mostly a fear based reaction - fear that if he had sex with other men he would find something better and leave me, fear that others would find out, fear that it would be a lot of work and painful work at that...

I also sort of started to understand that relationships don't necessarily last forever, even when you sish they would. This is where I'm having a problem. I understand that we might or might not break up, and that either way, our relationship will change, and that if we do break up, we can still be important parts of eachother's lives. But the problem is that I've sort of stopped looking forward to the future. I used to be a major dreamer, I always had about 10 possibilities of futures on the go. I enjoyed fantasizing about the future and looking forward to things and making crazy plans that were completely unrealistic. I dont do that anymore and it makes me sad. whenever my mind wanders to next year, I start feeling sad and anxious. Unfortunately, I haven't just lost my ability to dream, I also suspect that that's the reason I've been having such a hard time finding motivation for long-term plans (like school). I expect my grades will slip this year because of my lack of motivation.

I don't really know what to do about this. I don't want to think about the future because of the possibility we'll break up.

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey there, it's good to see you again.

Please know that we totally understand that these spaces can be tough for people to be in, and where you were at was... well, where you were at at that time in your process with this. I appreciate the accountability, but it's all good, no worries. [Smile]

I'm ending my day now, but I'm happy to pop back in here first thing tomorrow when I'm back to work, okay? Sorry to leave you hanging tonight!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm back, thanks for waiting.

I agree, recognizing that while relationships can feel like forever but won't last forever, and often may not last our lifetimes (or at least not be the same relationship over decades) can be a really rude awakening. There's a lot we can say and talk about around that, but let's just start with the obvious: yes, that can completely suck and be very painful.

For one, this person wasn't always part of your life. You talk about how you've always been pretty aspirational and had positive thoughts about the future, which I assume happened even before you met this person. Back then, did any of those daydreams about the future seem any less rosy? Might you be able to try and call back up some of those thoughts from before? Do you know what I mean?

Second, can we maybe talk about what your life would look like without this particular person in it in the particular relationship you're in now? What's missing from your future-pictures that feels so hopeless and awful? I just wonder if trying to take a real look might help you process some of these understandably hard feelings: after all, the idea we will be without a relationship we have valued IS a big deal. It's not like facing a possible big change or loss is something it's unreasonable to have hard feelings about, or to find makes you feel apathetic about the future for a while.

And on that note, I'd also lobby for allowing yourself to have and feel those hard feelings: it's okay to go through that process, after all. Now, obviously, you want to try and find a way to do that that doesn't make you feel terrible, and that doesn't also become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, doesn't actually wind up, all by itself, making your future or present more bleak than they have to be, like say, figuring out a way to be in this space without your GPA going into the toilet.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Don't worry about the wait, I'm not in crisis and I know you're super busy so replies don;t have to be instant.

Actually, no, I don't remember feeling super aspirational before. I said always, but I mean more that I've been that was since we've been together. As a teen I was mostly depressed and had a lot of suicidal thoughts. Then when I moved out I immediately got into a really abusive relationship - no need to say that didn't help my mood much. I met my current boyfriend shortly after I got out of that relationship and it was about a year into the relationship that I started looking forward to living my life. (aside from when I was a child, I had a pretty awesome childhood until I was about 11-12)

So not only was he really important in helping me heal from the abuse, and the feelings I still had from when I was a teen, but I kind of feel like the good part of my life started with him. I remember really vividly, after we first moved in together, feeling like I finally knew what it felt like to be 'home'. I had never looked forward to being home home before. After I moved in with him, I was so happy at the end of the day when I got to go home (even when he wasn't there). I think it was the first time since I was a kid that I felt safe, emotionally and physically.

I know that if we do end up breaking up I'll be ok. I know that I will continue to be happy, even though id be sad about the breakup, sor sure. I can even sort of look forward to being single, a bit. I don't think that's the problem.

I know the future isn't hopeless, I've already been through so much that I know by now that's I'm a tough cookie [Smile] I think the problem is that I feel like I'm in limbo. As much as I try to tell myself that this is a good time for me to work on me and blablabla, I feel like I'm waiting for him to tell me if my future goes right or left.

I'm happy with him. I really like being his girfriend. I don't want to break up with him, so I'm basically waiting for him to tell me if he wants to break up with me or not.

Ive always had a hard time waiting for something I can't control

[ 10-13-2011, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: thumb tack ]

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Were you ever able to do any real healing work around that abuse (NOT via this person: with people or practices NOT within or part of a romantic or sexual relationship with you)? Even to take some real time -- a year or two, let's say -- to heal and work on kind of hitting the refresh button on life, between those relationships?

With the depression in your teens, did you ever figure out if that was chemical, situational or both?

Maybe we can try a little exercise. Can you write down all of those future dreams and ideas for the future you've had over the years, NOT putting any in there which would require this person in a given role? I have a next step, but think it'd be most effective to do the first step without knowing the second.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm not sure I got that, I should not write any of the dreams that he is a part of? or I shoul re-write dreams that he is a part of without him?

I'll get to the rest in a sec, but I was hoping for some clarification

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
None that RELY on him: in other words, where without him in them, uniquely and in one certain role (like as boyfriend, husband, etc.) they simply could not happen.

With any he is part of but could happen with or without him, specifically, or could happen with him even if you had a very different relationship, go ahead and leave them in.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As for the healing work. Yes, I was in therapy for about a year and a half and that's what really helped. I've also done some short term work with professionals around triggers and PTSD. I don't mean that HE healed me, just that he was a crutial support for me while I was going through that process, spending many, many nights letting me cry on his shoulder and making sure I felt safe and secure, and encouraging me to get profesional help when I need it.

Time off: no. not really. that's really my only regret about the relationship: I wish it could have happened a year later. (I wish that even more now, because I think my boyfriend just needs to get out there and experiment, well that's what he said anyways and I believe him - we both pretty much wish we had met a year or two later than we did, but what can you do, love kind of snuck up on us! we're not out of love, just in a weird place where we both acknowledge that we need things outside the relationship). Anyways back to me, I really do wish that I had some single time before I met him. The only problem is that in the headspace I was in before I met him, I was not even close to the road to healing. I was drinking and smoking pot very heavily and doing really self destructive things...

Teens. um, I don't know if it was chemical, maybe, is there anyway to find out now? but it was also situational for sure. it had a lot to do with me feeling completely invisible to my parents. I couldn't get them to pay attention to me no matter what I tried, and I tried a LOT of things. I only figured that out pretty recently (in therapy, thank goodness for therapy!). I also figured that one of my last attempts to get them to pay attention to me was getting myself in just about the most red flag relationship ever (the abusive one). I spent 2 years hoping my parents would save me from him, but they never did so I had to get myself out of that mess. I didn't speak to them for a few years after that (until that recent bout of therapy when I identified all that).

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
oh, well they pretty much all rely on him being there with me in a boyfriend way. Except for the vague "wish I was single for a while before we met" one.

But I want to do your exercise. I should go do some reading for school now, but I will think about it and try to come up with some by tomorrow, thanks Heather

[ 10-13-2011, 07:32 PM: Message edited by: thumb tack ]

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, do you think then it would be fair to say that it wasn't that you had so many aspirations about yourself and your life before, but that you had them only about you as a member of this couple?

If so, just to check in: really? Like, no aspirations about ever doing something amazing with a best friend? Something that was just something you did with work in your life, like, for instance, someone aspiring to write a book? No sense at all of your life and what could rock in it when he wasn't right there with you or critical to that aspiration?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ok, I don't feel like reading... [Smile]

actually there is a big one, I've always wanted to go on a big trip all alone. Like go live in South America for a few months or something

or, well yeah, doesnt everyone want to write a book? haha!

Id like to custom make all sorts of nice wood furniture for my home (and learn how to do that)
Or just do more artsy stuff

The thing is that even though he's not part of those dreams, he's sort of in the background, cheering me on, like the starting point is him. If I try to take him out of the picture, those dreams just sort of vanish, like I don't know if I can do any of that if he's not my safe home base... (yep,I know how unhealthy that sounds...)

I wish I did have some kind of great project with a best friend, but the truth is that the abusive relationship left me very isolated. I haven't been able to re-friend my old friends from before, and I haven't made any close friends since I left. I'm very slowly starting to make some new friends but I have a really hard time trusting people, and also I'm having a hard time breaking the habbit of not having any friends.

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, you kind of already did what I was going to suggest, which was having a list that he wasn't in and seeing how you feel about that. It also seems like when you did that yourself, you figured out that if nothing you could want to do in your life seems exciting at all anymore without this person as part of the picture, that's not so awesome.

In terms of finding out if your depression was chemical or situational, that's really something you'd have to have figured -- or figure now, since it sounds like depression may still be an issue -- with a professional. I mean, one easy way is that if someone takes a medication for depression and it works very well for them, chances are it's chemical or much more chemical than situational. When depression is situational, for it to get better, we usually have to change the situation: medications can't do that.

I'm seeing that it's possible you're still kind of locked in an abusive space. Let me explain what I mean by that. For instance, I'm hearing a lot of co-dependence. It's looking like the social isolation that is usually part and parcel in abuse is something you're still in and have not gotten past. having this one person sound very much like your whole world, something else.

My gut says that both how you reacted the last time around and how you're feeling now actually have a lot to do with still really needing to do some more healing, and perhaps even more than healing, to learn how to live your life outside abusive contexts and mindsets. I'd say part of that is learning to live without life feeling like for it to even be anything of worth, there must be a romantic partner present, even in your aspirations, and the idea of there not being one is more than the sadness of loss of that person. Again, a lot of this comes down to co-dependency for me, which is something most people in abuse or recovering from abuse struggle with. Abuse enables co-dependency in the hugest way: in a lot of ways, it requires it.

Not giving yourself the chance to have done some healing, be far out of crisis and experience life sans romantic partner does strike me as something that's probably set a lot of this up, too. Mind, you can' unring a bell, so this isn't something judgy I'm saying. But how you did this back then also doesn't mean you can't still have that chance now, or even create some of that space while you are still in this relationship.

For instance, how about now starting to put some effort into making your life about a circle of people in your life -- a partner, friends, family (whether biological or self-created), mentors, etc? How about getting started on doing some things you think you'd enjoy but only with him without him so you can even try those things out and try having some of your life not be completely enmeshed with his?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just FYI, if you don't know what I mean when I talked about enmeshment, here are a couple links that can fill you in:
• http://www.patrickmeans.com/self-test.html
• http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Enmeshment isn't ever just about one person, either, so if you're going to look at this, it's something you both should look at, since these dynamics will be things about both of you in the relationship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
about depression. well, I've taken medication 3 times before, and it was never very successful. What really helped everytime was me actually doing something to change the situation I was in (like with my parents,I wrote them a letter and confronted them about all the things I was mad about, and my depression.anxiety pretty much vanished within days).
I spoke to my mom about it, and she says it's possible I'd have a chemical thing because she was deeply depressed when she was pregnant with me and for the first few years of my life.

But for now, anyways, I feel pretty confident that I can and will improve my situation, so I think I'm ok.

"I'm seeing that it's possible you're still kind of locked in an abusive space."

yeah, I agree. That's what I've been wondering about actually. I know that I broke the cycle of violence in a big way by refusing to be in any unsafe relationships. But I wonder if I'm continuing it with myself...

And I've also been thinking more and that being single might be a really good thing for me. I don;t know if I mentionned it before, but I've been NOT in a relationship for less than a total of 12 months since I was 14. When I say that to myself I think thats nuts! But then when I think of being single and living on my own I don't think I can do it, financially I mean. I think I've been a bit traumatized by the poverty rates for single women, single moms and single elderly women. Its scary!

I know that money isn't a good reason to not break up with someone, but I won't lie, it is a factor for me.

He told me his therapist told him we might be enmeshed when he came out to me. And quite frankly, I agree. I know we are, I think that's what sort of started my whole little identity crisis in the first place. I have been trying to do things without him more. And I do do a lot of things without him actually. His schedule is not particularly accommodating, so I find lots of stuff do do while he's working. But his days off are off limits (well one of them, the other one I'm fully booked, so we really only spend time together once a week). I very rarely schedule anything on that day because I want to be with him.

I don't know if this is just me making excuses, but I feel like the fact that I only get to spend time with him once a week makes that day almost sacred. I've spoken to some of the girls I go to school with, and basically those of us who are in relationships are finding it really hard to fit in some couple time, those who aren't in relationships are seriously not interested in one at the moment because they don't have time.

That's my other problem: I can't possible cram anything else into my schedule. To start doing something new I would have to cut something out, and I've already cut out pretty much everything other than school, work, cooking, and my boyfriend. I even take anti-nausea meds so that I can read school material on the bus and train so that that time is more productive.

Here's what I can do:
I can try to go to bed a bit earlier so that I'm not so sleep deprived on weekends.
I was thinking of doing art therapy - but that's a solo thing, does it count?
maybe I could start a regular brunch/study group with some friends from school.

I don't have no friends, I'm just very hesitant to get close to anyone, I'd say I have lots of not-so-close friends. But I'm trying hard, I really am. And I have been making an effort to hang out with my parents sometimes to strengthen that relationship.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say that I read both those things on enmenshment and I will for sure devote some time to doing the steps in the second link. Thanks for that!

[ 10-14-2011, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: thumb tack ]

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, sounds like your depression was situational. I hear what you're saying about your Mom, but depression doesn't really have hereditary links like that, and post-partum depression is really its own thing.

I cam see why being single would feel so scary for you abuse stuff totally aside: it's not something you know anything about. The unknown and unfamiliar can certainly be very scary. I think you can let go of poverty fears: people are poor all over the world in and out of relationships, especially right now. LOADS of couples are living in poverty. Okay? That just seems like a bit of a red herring to me, a distraction from what the more real stuff probably is.

I think it's fine to have one day a week that's sacred for someone in our lives. That in itself doesn't seem problematic to me.

I really like your can-do ideas, and I hear you about schedule crunches.

One thing I'd add to this around friends is this: how about you think of just one of your not-so-close friends, just one, to work on getting just a little closer to. Think you can swing that?

And how about looking into what your options are with more counseling about healing from abuse and learning not to be codependent. I get your schedule is packed, I feel you -- I'm often there myself -- but for now, just SEE what's out there. After you do that, we can then see what's doable. Okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I found a place where I can do 20 sessions of art thrapy for free in my city. I'm going to send in a request I think.

I'm feeling a lot better having talked this out a bit. Less lost and more pro-active.

I threw out the idea of a weekly study/food get together with a few girlfriends and they were totally into it. We start next weekend.

I do have on friend from school that I've been getting close to, slowly.

I really want to be un-enmeshed! Thanks for all the support, this website is so awesome!

I do have another thing I was wondering about. Its not super related but it kind of is. You see, my best friend and I stopped talking to eachother when I was with my ex. A few years after I left him, I decided to call her on her bday and ever since we've been sort of rebuilding our relationhip. The only thing is that she's not emotionally healthy and a lot of the stuff she does really bothers me. She criticizes my weight, how I eat, what I eat, my exercise habits... And either I change my behaviour when I'm around her (like I chenge the things I eat or the way I eat) or I try to avoid her because I can't handle it. She has had an eating disorder for a long time and I want to support her through that, but I think that she's saying all those things to me to make herself like I'm the weirdo about food, not her. And I feel like my reaction to her is not really appropriate, but I don;t know how to break that cycle either.

Grrr, how come relationships are som complicated?

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have to tell you, I'm so impressed! Sometimes, when people ask about how to make things better, they ask, but clearly aren't ready or willing to then take that information and do their part. But look at you! That's awesome progress and steps, and so fast!

I'd say that relationships are often complicated because people are always complicated. We are. We're tricky. All of us. And the more of us you put together, the trickier we collectively become. [Smile]

How about if with your best friend, you make some contact again, but put some limits on it? Like, maybe this is a friend again, but not your best friend. And you can also ask her to put certain topics off-limits, like saying that your weight and how you choose to eat is something you need her not to talk about with you: those things are just not up for discussion. How does that feel?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, I've thought of doing that before, but I'm a bit scared, I don't really know what to do or say around her because of the eating disorder. The other thing is that for now, we pretty much mostly see eachother at gatherings that invlove food cause we don't libve in the same city.

I just figured, if I'm going to tackle unhealthy relationship, I may as well do them all at once...

I'm so ready. If I learned one thing with dealing with abuse and PTSD, it's that it's way easier to deal with a "thing that's been bothering me" than with a full blown crisis.

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Update: I had a long talk with my boyfriend this weekend about how I'm worried we are enmeshed and how I'm feeling like I need to be more independent. I was feeling guilty about the fact that I'm thinking that being single might be good for me. He agreed, and told me he also feels like we both really depend on each other for support and that we need to expand our support systems. I feel so relieved, almost liberated.

I feel like just addressing that with him lifted a weight off my shoulders. He did too.

On another note, I just wanted to say, he sort of came out to his boss last week. His boss just came out and randomly asked him if he was bi (which I thoguht was a bit strange..) and he said "yeah, sort of". I asked him how he felt about it and he said he feels good. I'm super happy for him!

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That's really great (all around)! So, what's your plan with that so far? How are you going to expand that system, get some more healthy separateness, and also get what you need?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thumb tack
Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

Icon 1 posted      Profile for thumb tack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, considering my schedule I can't add in very much, and I think the problem is more that I never book anything unless he's already at work or out of the house.

so for starters, the weekly study brunch is on, and normally I would schedule it for after he leaves for work, but we decided to meet a bit earlier (baby steps:))

And I'm going to go to this free guided meditation thing that Ive wanted to do for a long time, but was waiting for him to come with me.

Also, another problem for us is that when we're together, he never wants to go do anything with other people, so we end up staying home a lot. So I told him that if he's tired and wants to stay home that's fine, but that if I feel like going out, I'll go out. (There's this long standing pub night with my friends that we talk about going to every week and then decide not to go to in the end)

Basically, I'm saving our one day off together to be with him, but I'm going to start allowing myself to do things without him even if he's home.

It sort of goes both ways: I have a history of getting really panicky if he goes out for beers with his co-workers and then I become that annoying girlfriend who calls every hour to check in. (That's because everytime my ex had a drop of alcohol, he would get violent with me. But really, that ended 6 years ago (yesterday!!) and my current boyfriend has never been violent with me- alcohol or no alcohol) So we're starting with one day a week, he can use his "free night", which means that he tells me he's going out with his co workers/friends and I can't call him after that unless there's a major emergency. I'm a bit anxious about it, but I think it'll be good for him. Also, I think it will be good for me to stop trying to control him like that.

any other suggestions/feedback?

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think all of this sounds so fantastic!

You're being excellently proactive about this, in my book. Well done!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3