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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boundaries Around Sexuality with Parents

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Author Topic: Boundaries Around Sexuality with Parents
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 40774

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In my day to day life and on ST I've been thinking about the sexual boundaries we have with our parents. I've been noticing a lot of variation: some people would feel comfortable having a parent buy them condoms; others don't want their parents to think of them as sexual at all.

I'm interested in what kind of sexual boundaries with your parents feel best to y'all.

In your ideal relationship with your parent(s), what kinds of conversations or shared knowledge would you like to have with them? (They can be your real parents or imaginary, ideal parents.) How could a parent be most helpful when it comes to your sexual development/sex life, while respecting your sexual privacy and autonomy?

Here are some questions to get started; feel free to pick and choose, or deviate:

Would you want them to not know anything about your sexuality or sexual behavior? Would you want them to know you're sexually active with others, and nothing else? Would you want to be able to talk about masturbation or specific sexual activities? Would you want to be able to talk theoretically or in terms of personal experience?

What about safer sex, pornography, or sex toys? Health issues and pregnancy concerns?

Sexual abuse/rape?

How might you want dynamics to differ if you were +/- 18? Living with them or on your own? What level of awareness of your personal sexual life feels appropriate?

Boundaries go both ways too: Would hearing anything about your parent's sexuality feel useful, or intrusive or TMI?

As another option, in an ideal world, would you prefer to have a trusted adult who wasn't a parent who you could safely talk about sex with?

If you could have as much sexual privacy and parental support around sexuality as you wanted, what would the boundaries look like?

This is a complicated topic and so I'd appreciate it if everyone could make sure to stick to "I" statements. This is about personal preference, not putting down anyone else's preferences.

[ 09-12-2011, 01:36 AM: Message edited by: bluejumprope ]

without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peer Ambassador
Member # 72015

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I wish I was able to talk to my mom about sexual topics without feeling patronized. She never gave me "the talk" and I think tries to block the idea of me being sexual out of her head.

I told her I needed to go to the doctor for a vaginal infection, and the first thing she said to me, in an accusatory tone was, "You haven't been having sex, have you?" Plus, I'm always afraid of getting caught masturbating, just because I don't know how she'd react.

Ideally, I'd like to be able to bring up sex without feeling guilty or awkward but at the same time, I don't want to have to share EVERYTHING about my sexuality with her, as she of course wouldn't need to do with me.

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Hannah C.
Member # 54647

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My mom is a nurse, she's very open about talking about sex. With other people. She likes giving me information, but she doesn't really like the idea of talking about it when it actually applies to my life.

She gave me condoms before I had my first kiss with my boyfriend, and then when I actually thought I was ready to have sex with him (A YEAR AND A HALF LATER) she blew up and, well, you can read the whole thing on Scarleteen, it's around here somewhere.

I tried being open with my parents about it, and they just didn't want to hear it, so now I have to deal with this by myself. After all that happened after I tried to let them in on my decision to go all the way with my boyfriend, I don't think I could ever tell them anything about my sex life at all.

I don't really care if they want to tell me about their experiences, but well, let's face it, who *wouldn't* feel a little weirded out by that? [Razz]

I could probably tell my mom if I was raped, though. That's the weird part. She seems to deal with it just fine if it's in that context.

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Ideally, I'd like my mom to talk about sex more openly with me. She never gave me ''the talk'', just hinted that I should wait after High School to have a boyfriend/sex.
Obviously, some things I'd rather keep to myself and it would be awkward if my parents told me about their experiences. I still want some privacy.
I wish there weren't so many taboos surrounding at home. I'd like to have a trustable adult to talk about sex with.

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Member # 33376

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my mum is fairly open about everything but i just can't say anything to her which is my hangup. i did have an incident when i was a teenager that i've never told her and i won't because i don't want her to fuss. i can't let her know if i have feelings for someone or sexual desires because i'm just too ashamed to say so. she won't know what to do if i ever become sexually active because i can't tell her anything. so i'll guess she'll never know about me even though i think she'll be willing to talk about it, its just me, i'm not comfortable with it
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