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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Exes

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Author Topic: Exes
Member # 74941

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Recently my boyfriend and I of over 3 years have gotten into this huge argument over a certain ex. This ex has tried more than once to win him back although they have failed and now she currently has a boyfriend. A few months back, my boyfriend and I were going through a really tough time and I found out he messaged her asking to meet up and to keep it from me. We fought over it and I ended up forgiving him. Now Im always so suspicious theyre talking behind my back. Last night they were talking and he told me he cant help it, its something he needs to get over??? ><" Am I being irrational?? He said he wants to be able to keep talking to her.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hey mjane, sorry to hear you're feeling upset about this. I don't think you're being irrational at all.

It looks like it's been a few days since you posted this, so let me know if there have been any changes in what's going on, but I'll take a crack at answering your question and helping you through this.

First of all, can you tell me how your fight turned out, when your boyfriend was trying to hide a meeting with his ex from you? Did he apologize, or acknowledge that keeping secrets from you is a betrayal of your trust? Or did he not admit that he did anything wrong, but you forgave him anyway? That might provide some insight into how he's feeling about this situation.

(I admit, I also find it a little bit unusual that your boyfriend says he needs to "get over" his ex, who it sounds like he broke up with over three years ago? What has their relationship been like over the course of the time you and your boyfriend have been dating?)

I'm personally of the opinion (so, you know, your feelings about this may differ) that it's typically normal and acceptable for someone in a relationship to maintain a friendly relationship with their ex. When this changes for me is when an ex has been behaving in ways that are harmful to your ongoing relationship- for example, trying to convince someone to cheat, or to get involved in harmful activities, or just trying to break you two up. In a situation like that, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask a long-term partner to cut off contact with the ex.

When that gets tricky, of course, is when your partner isn't willing to cut ties with that particular ex. At that point, you have a couple of options. The first thing you should always do is talk with your boyfriend about how you feel, and why you're uncomfortable with him being in touch with that ex. In this case, it sounds like you felt like he betrayed your trust in trying to hide a meeting with his ex from you, and you're still in the process of building your trust in him back up (at least where the ex is concerned). You should tell him this- and tell him that you're uncomfortable with him hanging out with her too much because of how she's tried to get back together with him in the past. Don't be accusatory at all- use "I" statements ("I feel uncomfortable," as opposed to "You make me uncomfortable"), which will help him from feeling defensive.

The unfortunate reality of life is that you can't stop someone from cheating on you/breaking up with you/getting back with their ex, if they really want to do it. If that's the case with your boyfriend, it doesn't matter how suspicious you are- it won't stop him from acting, and you'd be better off without him, because really, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't really want to be in a relationship with you.

On the other hand, your boyfriend may just have a few little things he needs to work out with his ex, and in that case, the best thing you can do is just give him some time to figure things out, and then work out your own relationship together. If your boyfriend hasn't given you any other reasons not to trust you beyond the one hidden conversation with the ex, this may well be the case. Open communication is really the most important thing.

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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