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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I feel betrayed because my "friends" aren't true friends anymore

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Author Topic: I feel betrayed because my "friends" aren't true friends anymore
Karla1234
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I've been really depressed lately. My friends have started to change but they say I'm the one that started to change. It's a long story so I'll start from the beginning.
I only have one true bestfriend, apart from my boyfriend. Her name is Gaby and we've been friends since 4th grade. We've never had arguements and she's never done anything bad to me. In middle school, Gaby and I became friends with a girl named Susan. It was always us three together. Then around the end of 7th grade Gaby was in a car accident and is now in a wheelchair. We no longer see each other at school because my high school is not wheelchair accessable like the one she now goes to. I miss her a lot. Everyday I pray for her because she's been wheelchair bound for almost 3 years.
Ever since she left, I stayed being friends with Susan. Later, a girl named Maria became our friend too in 8th grade. However, Maria dislikes me and worships Susan. In 8th grade Susan started changing. She would insult me or critisize me and later expect it to be fine by saying she was just kidding. I take things personally and for a time I had a low self esteem.
In 9th grade things got worse. I got a boyfriend that year (and he's still with me to this day). He makes me feel wonderful. I love him very much and he never does harsh things to me. I stopped hanging with my old friends and started spending more time with him. I preferred being with him because when I spent time with my friends, I felt lonely and ignored, very insignificant. Susan despised me being with my boyfriend instead of her. She would call Gaby and talk about me, saying I thought highly of myself because I had boy attention and other bad stuff. One day he and I went by a stairway and we started kissing. It was the first time I had ever made out with someone. It was a special moment for me. Then at the end of the day, my "friends" came to me and said someone had videotaped my boyfriend and I kissing and sent it to one of their phones. I saw the video and was shocked. Immediately I was scared, afraid that someone might send it to my parents, youtube, or facebook. I kept asking who sent it to them and they said they didn't know. I went home and was worried for the rest of the day. I couldn't sleep cause I kept thinking about it. In the morning we all sat by the library and I was telling them how worried I was. I was about to start crying and then they told me it was THEM who took the video. I felt backstabbed and hurt. They were suppose to be my friends. They never apologized and till this day they still tell me to get over it because it was a joke. It was Susan's idea to lie to me the whole time.
They've done a lot of things to me. They would have little meetings with me (that susan would start off) and say I changed. The only change I saw in me was that I started spending more time with my boyfriend. Whenever they would do that, I'd feel ambushed because all of them agreed with Susan, especially Maria.
A month later after I started going out with my boyfriend, Susan got a boyfriend too. All of a sudden it's okay for her to talk about him but it's wrong if I ever talk about my boyfriend. She doesn't see her boyfriend at school because he lives in another county. Once, we all went to the movies (susan and I and our boyfriends, Gaby, and Maria) and when we were eating all Susan would do was make Aaron( my boyfriend) look bad. She used Gaby because since that day, she never calls her or says thanks.
Now she and Maria think I'm fake. I've never done anything to them,NEVER. Gaby saw how Susan acted the day of the movies and agreed with me: that Susan was the one who changed.
I feel so alone and my old friends have become my enemies. Maria and Susan are against me and I don't see why. What should I do? If I try to reason with them, they always manage to switch things and make me the enemy [Frown]

Posts: 29 | From: Maine | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BrightStar171
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I'm really sorry your friends have been treating you like this, Maddy11410, and I'm sorry your feeling depressed about it. It sounds like they haven't been being very good friends to you lately, and that always hurts.

As you already know, in the years between grade school and high school, we all do a lot of growing up and changing, and it sounds like your friend Susan has changed into someone who isn't a very nice person. It's often very sad (and sometimes quite hurtful), but in this time in our lives a lot of us have friendships where someone who was once our friend drifts apart from us, or changes, like your friends seem to have, into people who don't act like friends at all. Unfortunately, there's no way to make someone act like a friend who doesn't want to act like one, and so usually when this happens, we have to break off our friendships with them. That doesn't mean, you know, that you have to cut them out of your life completely - though of course you can; it's your choice. But it does often mean that you have to go looking outside your old friend group for a new group of friends. This might mean getting involved in some new activities, or hanging out with a new group of people. What are some interests or hobbies or things you've always wanted to try that you haven't had the chance to yet? If you've always wanted to be in a school play, or try out for the soccer team, or learn to play an instrument, or join a service organization- try it! You'll meet new people, expand your circle of friends, and, eventually, you'll start feeling less bad about the way Susan and Maria treat you, because you'll have a whole new circle of other people who you can rely on.

It's also good to hear that you have a boyfriend who's supportive of you, and who you feel safe with. Have you met any friends though him that you might become closer to?

I know these are girls who have been your friends for a really long time, and so it hurts that they're being so awful to you, but it also hurts to think you should slow down or break off your friendship. I think one of the best things you can do right now is to expand your social circle as much as you can--meet new people, and make new friends. I think from there, things might flow more naturally than you realize- when you make some new friends who actually DO act like good friends to you, I think there'll be a lot less appeal to hanging out with Susan and Maria. And remember, some girls (though sadly not all) outgrow their "mean girl" phase- ending the friendship now doesn't mean you'll never reconnect later. Does that all make sense?

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karla1234
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Thanks so much! It feels great to know that not only I see that they are bad friends. I hate it when they tell me I changed. All I did was start hanging with my boyfriend more. I'm starting to feel that Susan was jealous of me because at times she's act like a hypocrite towards me.

I actually do have other friends but they were the ones who would hold me back from expanding my close friend circle. They would influence me to hate others and they've ruined some relationships I've had with old friends. I now know that they're not true friends.

No matter how much I try to confront them and get them to see that they're the ones who changed, they always manage to turn the tables on me some way, even if I have done nothing bad. They're really stubborn. I don't know how to confront them about it [Frown]

Posts: 29 | From: Maine | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BrightStar171
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It does sound a little bit like Susan was jealous of you, I have to admit. (And that's kind of normal, actually- I know I've sometimes felt jealous of how much time a friend spends with a significant other. If you're used to spending a lot of time with your friend, and she's suddenly taking some of that time with someone else, a lot of people feel a little bit jealous. What that doesn't give her is the right to talk about you behind your back, or take secret phone videos of you, or all that other stuff.)

I'm not sure actually, that this is something you need to confront your friends about, though. I think your message will be pretty clear if you just let yourself drift away from Susan and Maria, and towards some of your other friend groups. Confronting people when they won't admit that they're wrong often hurts more than it helps, and it sounds like Susan isn't often willing to admit that she's wrong. (Her insistence that the cell phone video thing was just a joke when it obviously really upset you is a good example of that.) Rather than having a confrontation, it's often a better idea to let the friendship die down naturally- just...starting hanging out with other people, instead. That does plenty to send the message that you don't want to be around people who treat you badly. It also preserves things, hopefully, on good enough terms that if they do get over themselves and decide they want to start being nice again, you can maybe rekindle the friendship. (And if they DO ask why you've been hanging around with them less, you can always just honestly say "You guys have been kind of mean lately, and it hasn't been much fun hanging out with you.")

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karla1234
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Thanks so much. She lies a lot and Maria has recently been negatively talking about me with Susan's boyfriend. I've decided to let things go and move on. I'm not going to be around negative people. Susan wants everything to be as it use to but I know that it can never be the same after what they did to me.

Thanks again. I feel enlightened and no longer upset. All this stress has made my period late, adding on to more stress :/ I'm going to relax from now on

Posts: 29 | From: Maine | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BrightStar171
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I'm glad you're feeling better, and I really hope all of this works out for you. Good luck!
Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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