I recently posted about this in another online forum for people in LDRs. The response I've gotten thus far has been very negative and I get the impression that a lot of the other people aren't open to the idea of having another person in the relationship that fulfills a physical need (not in a sexual way). Here is what I posted about:
"My SO and I are at separate colleges, and have been dating for 2 years. We did a LDR last school year, and have just started back up for the next 8-9 months of school, so seeing each other will be scarce again. At my college, I have a very good guy friend. We are comfortable around each other physically and I spend a lot of time with him. Sometimes, when we are watching a movie together on the weekends, we get a bit cuddle-y. It's just nice and comfortable. (he also has a LDR with his girlfriend. Worth mentioning) It is nice to have the somewhat intimate human contact with another person when being separated from my SO.
What do you folks find the best way to deal with a lack of physical intimacy that comes from LDRs? Without feeling like you are cheating on the other person...My SO and I haven't ever gone through and set up specific boundaries or anything, and I don't want him to stress out over the thought that I'm being unfaithful, because honestly, I have no desire to be in an emotional relationship with anyone else. I simply enjoy the somewhat physical relationship I currently have with my male friend.
Any advice/tips for talking about this sort of thing without stirring up feelings of distrust would be appreciated. Many thanks."
First of all, most of the commentors pointed out, and I completely agree with and understand this is something that needs to be fixed -- My boyfriend and I should have defined boundaries before the LDR started. For whatever reason, we didn't. Probably because we didn't imagine it would be an issue. (young and naive...) I will be hopefully be bringing up the topic with him tonight or later this week.
One thing that I would really like to understand, though, is how those that are in LDRs deal with the lack of more intimate physical contact you get with things like snuggling up during a movie with someone, getting a back massage from someone, or simply putting your feet in their lap when hanging around.
It seems to me (and knowing my boyfriend, I think he would feel similar) that things like this are mostly harmless activities. (again, something that I must discuss with him at length) As I said, I am not seeking any sort of sexual relationship or deeper emotional relationship with anyone but my boyfriend. I just want to be able to have a helpful discussion about things like this from understanding people without being attacked for cuddling with someone during a movie.
Thank you for any advice you have to give.
Posts: 101 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2010
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