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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » LDR Date Planning

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Author Topic: LDR Date Planning
Roxie102
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My boyfriend has been complaining that he's always the one who plans our dates. I, however, am almost always the one to initiate them, for example, asking him when and if he's free. The few times I have "planned" dates, he either doesn't go along with them or seems unsatisfied with the plans. The thing is, my mom will go along with almost anything we want to do, but his parents are the ones who are either busy or feel the need to take control. How can I even attempt to plan dates when his family might not be receptive? Also, I think it's wrong to say, "This is what we're doing. Be here at this time," without even consulting him first.

I told him I wanted to see him this weekend, and he said I could come to his house. Even so, he complained to me yesterday that I "never plan dates". Why would I plan a date to his house? That'd be inviting myself, and that's not right.

The thing is, we live 2 hours away from each other, and he can't drive, therefore, his parents have to be in on our dates. Is he right and I'm just seeing this from the wrong angle? It's all really bothering me, and I know if I bring this up with him, he'll not want to talk about it. When I tell him I'm bothered with something like this, he'll just tell me to relax.

I don't know, I've probably babbled in this post, but I just need some advice. I don't exactly see a problem with the way things are, but obviously he does, and I don't want this to become a source of resentment between us.

[ 09-01-2011, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: marie293 ]

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Heather
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Before we talk, all of this that you've said here, have you said it to him? If so, how did he respond? How did he answer some of these questions?

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Roxie102
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I guess not really. I have told him that I don't really know lots of things for us to do unless he comes to where I live, and he hardly ever wants to do that. When I suggest things, he just always says, "I'll have to ask my mom", and from that, he seems to take control.
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Heather
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Okay, so I'd say the very first thing to do is to tell him what you've said here and to ask him the things you're asking here.

If that conversation doesn't result in some resolution about this, then knowing what he has to say will make it a lot easier for us to help you figure out some next steps. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Roxie102
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I talked to him, and this is what he said, almost verbatim - "You're still worried about that? Our parents do most of the planning."

I then told him that I was just worried that he'd start feeling resentment about this, and he said, "Over that? No."

Maybe he wasn't as bothered by this as I thought, but it brings to mind a pattern I've been noticing with him - unless he's really upset or angry about something, he really won't want to talk about it. He'll say things when he's upset and then take them back later. If he notices something he's said had upset me, he'll feel bad and apologize, and I think pretty much pretend that he's okay with whatever it was.

When we talk about things, we really talk about things, and we do it effectively without arguing, but like I said, if I try to confront him about something he's said to me even a day later, Maybe it's safe to assume that in those times, he just feels a bit heated, but it's hard for me to know if a situation is resolved if he won't follow up with me.

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Heather
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Were you able to clear up the conflict, though, in his saying HE does most of the planning and wants you to do more, but is now saying your parents do the planning?

In terms of this other stuff, is that something you've brought up with him, including asking if you two can agree on some strategies for you to be able to talk about conflicts or issues when it's you bringing them up?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Roxie102
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About that, he basically said he was just a little angry and didn't mean it. He doesn't do things like that a lot, and I understand that's a completely valid response since we do tend to say things we don't mean when angry, but I always wonder if he just says that to calm me down.

As for the other stuff, I'm kind of clueless. Just saying, "Hey, I really need to talk to you about such-and-such" works occasionally, but not often enough. I find myself holding some stuff in so we don't both go to bed on a bad note, as we mostly talk on the phone before bed since we're both at school/work/etc during the day.

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Heather
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So, sounds like this is another talk you need to have then, eh?

In other words, you're finding that you don't feel like you often can bring these things up, to the point you're holding them in and not communicating at all. You want that to change (understandably, and the health of your relationship will require that). So, can he understand that and, if so, can you two brainstorm to come up with some ways to remedy that dynamic?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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