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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to not point fingers

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Author Topic: How to not point fingers
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Member # 72015

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What is the appropriate way to let a partner know that something they've done has upset you without pointing fingers or being a nag? A lot of times I'll avoid telling someone that their actions or words upset me for fear of upsetting or annoying them, but then I of course can't expect them to know when something bothers me so they can then respect my boundaries. I've heard about using "I" statements instead of "you" statements, but I'm still confused.
Posts: 255 | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Using I statements means stating your feelings about something rather than accusing someone of doing something.

Instead of "You make me feel unwanted," try, "I feel insecure about your interest in me lately," rather than "You always want me to make the sacrifices!" howsabout "I feel like I need to make too many sacrifices for this relationship" or rather than "You're trying to make me feel jealous," try "I am feeling jealous a lot."
From Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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