Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Should I trust this person again?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Should I trust this person again?
emrose91
Neophyte
Member # 71289

Icon 1 posted      Profile for emrose91     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello, all. This is a situation that has been going on for a few years now, and I just need some outside input here.
My first boyfriend, Kyle, was a long distance relationship, 5 years ago, when I was 15. We broke up after a few months, and during (and after) our relationship I became friends with his best friend, John. I'd spent time with John in person maybe twice, and we got to be friends (and sort of allies after Kyle and I broke up). John got into some trouble with drugs and alcohol when he was about 16, and was sent to boarding school for two years. He didn't have phone or internet access during those two years.
Then Kyle told me that John was about to graduate, and could talk to people on the phone again. I called him, and we had a few pretty good talks. One day, we were talking on the phone, and someone interrupted him on, so he said "Shut up! I'm talking to my wife." This became a private joke with us, or so I thought. One day, John got drunk and sent me a message on myspace, telling me that he loved me and that I was the only person keeping him sane. This scared me a bit, so I told him that I thought we should cool it with the hubby/wifey joke. He brushed it off, and told me he was referring to platonic love, not romantic love, so I decided I was overreacting and we continued talking.
John enlisted in the army, and continued to call me. We would talk for hours, and had some really wonderful conversations at first. I may have even entertained the idea of having a romantic relationship with him at one point. But, our conversations became increasingly uncomfortable. My mother had warned me that I should not talk to him for so long, and that he might get the wrong idea, and sure enough, he did. He only wanted to talk about sex (which I had not yet done). He talked about visiting me when he was on leave, renting a hotel room to make our first time special, when I had never told him I had any desire to have sex with him. He told me that girls were always hesitant when they wanted to have sex if it was their first time, which really scared me. Mind you, I hadn't seen John in 3 years, and didn't know him that well when we were spending time in person.
I told John that he was making me uncomfortable, once again, he told me he hadn't meant to, and once again, I believed him and continued talking to him. Things were normal again for a while, with the exception of a few inappropriate conversations and text messages. Around the time that I was getting romantically involved with my second boyfriend, he asked, directly, if I would ever consider dating him. I told him that I would not, that I was dating someone else besides, and apologized for unintentionally leading him to think that there would be more to our relationship than friendship. He became very mopey after this, and I felt sorry for him, and obligated to talk to him, though most of the time I avoided him.
Things started going downhill when he tried to have a debate with me about who was the better man: John or my then-boyfriend. Very soon after that, I learned that he was telling Kyle (my first boyfriend, for those of you who don't remember, after this long rambling novel) things about my boyfriend, who he called my "lover boy." I was NOT okay with this. Kyle had become a poisonous person in my life, and had called me some horrible names, so I cut him out of my life, and John was well aware of this. John betrayed my trust, and I cut him out of my life, too.
Of course, a few months later, he texted me and called me, begging me to be his friend again, and I told him that I had given him enough chances already, and I could not be his friend.
After hearing nothing from John for a year, he tried to add me as a friend on facebook. I sent him a message, asking why I should trust him again, and he explained away everything he had said and done before, telling me he had changed, and he could do better now. At the end of his message, he even wrote that if I still didn't want to be friends again, I didn't have to write back. So, I didn't!
Now, he has sent me two more messages, one which he just sent tonight, BEGGING me to be his friend again.
I am completely torn. Maybe he has changed, but my common sense is telling me that he hasn't, and that the same pattern will keep repeating if I let it. His persistence also makes me fear that he might try to find me when he finishes his service, and honestly, I don't know whether or not that's an irrational fear because I don't really know him that well. Sometimes I think I should let him back into my life just to keep him from doing something like that; the old "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" adage.
So, if you have made it this far, I would really appreciate some advice. How do I handle this?

Thank you all SOOO much for having the patience to read all of this!

[ 08-26-2011, 01:10 AM: Message edited by: emrose91 ]

--------------------
"Love is blind. God is love. Therefore, Ray Charles must be God." - Graffiti

Posts: 18 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loststone
Activist
Member # 51804

Icon 1 posted      Profile for loststone     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Do you want to be his friend again? From what you've said, it sounds like maybe you don't, in which case, you have every right not to be his friend if you don't want to be, you don't owe him another chance. I'm not a fan of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer", this is someone who made you feel uncomfortable, what benefit would trying to be friends with him bring?

Even if you do think you might want to be his friend, I'm seeing some serious red flags here. He said that you didn't have to reply to him, but then he nagged you anyway; that doesn't sound like someone who has changed. And you're worried he might try and track you down, that's pretty scary (and not a reason to be friends with him, I'd say)

I can't tell you what to do, but there is no "I should let him back in my life" here. This is your decision, based on what you want, "should" doesn't have to come into it.

Posts: 134 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think your gut feeling not to let John back into your life is a sound one. It sounds like his behavior, from the start, was pretty sketchy at times, and there's no reason to believe that's going to change. And even if he has changed, you've already given him plenty of chances in the past and you are under no obligation to keep putting yourself out there.

You've already told him no firmly, and my advice would be to stick with that.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
whilemyguitargentlyweeps
Activist
Member # 70059

Icon 1 posted      Profile for whilemyguitargentlyweeps         Edit/Delete Post 
I agree with September. It sounds as if you see merit in letting him back into your life, but given your past experiences, you feel uncomfortable doing so. Why is he so intent on becoming friends with you again? He gave you the choice of not replying to him, which you took him up on, and now he's at you again. What might transpire if you start talking to him again? Maybe nothing, but maybe he will do something alarming.

Trust your instinct. If you do change your mind someday, you can always find him yourself. Good luck!

Posts: 42 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
emrose91
Neophyte
Member # 71289

Icon 1 posted      Profile for emrose91     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate it. [Smile]
I don't want to be friends with him again. If this had started happening even two years ago, I would have ended things with this guy much sooner, but at the time I was still learning how to stand up for myself and not trust too easily.

I guess one of my concerns is that he just will not leave me alone, no matter what I do. I don't want to be hostile with him, but I just might have to, since simply being firm has not worked before.

--------------------
"Love is blind. God is love. Therefore, Ray Charles must be God." - Graffiti

Posts: 18 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, in the past, you've tried simply telling him you do not want to be in any contact anymore, and are asking him not to contact you?

If so, and that didn't work, how is he continuing to contact you? Facebook messages, sounds like, but how else? I ask because one option you have is to block him from certain avenues of contact, like by changing your phone number, etc. Also, when he has sent these new messages, have you ignored them and given it a few weeks to see if he'll just back off?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
emrose91
Neophyte
Member # 71289

Icon 1 posted      Profile for emrose91     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I told him at one point, a little over a year ago, not to contact me anymore. That worked, and then a couple of months ago he started sending me messages on Facebook. I did write back to the first one, and he told me that I could talk to him and be friends again, or not. I didn't respond, and a few weeks ago, he sent another message I didn't respond to. Then just last night he sent me another one. This time I responded that I did not want to be friends again, nothing could change my mind, and I told him to please not contact me again.
If he writes back, I will block him from facebook.
He hasn't contacted me by phone, or any other way.

--------------------
"Love is blind. God is love. Therefore, Ray Charles must be God." - Graffiti

Posts: 18 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay. So, yeah, seems like an FB block is your next step, and I'd say that if he contacts you any other way again, perpetual ignore is probably your best bet and seems likely to work.

In other words, the delete button may become your best friend for a while, and it truly can be a stellar pal.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
emrose91
Neophyte
Member # 71289

Icon 1 posted      Profile for emrose91     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I had to block him.

Thanks again, Heather, and everyone else!

--------------------
"Love is blind. God is love. Therefore, Ray Charles must be God." - Graffiti

Posts: 18 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3