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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Relationship concern.. Opinions wanted!

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Author Topic: Relationship concern.. Opinions wanted!
Member # 76722

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I'm 19, and so is my boyfriend. We've been together for over a year now and I've always thought and still do think that we have a great relationship with a lot of trust, honestly and respect. The odd time when we've been arguing though, it has shocked me how quickly his mood can flip to really angry.. I've only seen this twice, and we've talked about it since and I've always accepted it. However today we had just been hanging out all day and he was getting ready to go to work and was changing and as he was changing he was jokingly gesturing to his crotch area, and I went to jokingly innocently tap it, but slightly over estimated and I hurt him a little bit.. And the next second before I knew it he had hit me quite hard on my hip.. I was in such shock between what happened and was taken my such surprise and it was sore that I fell to the ground and burst into tears. I honestly don't think he realised what he was doing and I don't think he intended to hit me so hard, and I could see the shock and hurt and upset in his face as soon as it had happened.. I was so upset, not because it hurt, but because I was so in shock.. And I'm not scared of him or anything of the sort, and we talked and we cried and we comforted eachother.. I know him backwards and fully believe that he is one of the most genuine, gentle and loving guys I've ever met. And he is so torn up over what happened and said that he didn't mean to and that he meant to playfully tap me on my hip, but that he doesn't even know what happened. I asked him was he angry when it happened though, because I thought I could see that flash of anger in him.. And he said he thought he was.. And that it just came over him.. It scared both him and myself so much.. And we're able to talk about it and I'm so glad about that, but there are some things I don't want to say to him that are concerning me because I don't want to make him feel worse.. But basically I'm still upset because I'm worrying is this a sign of what's possibly to come? Could he become the kind of person who hits their wife? And I really don't think he is, but I am so in love with him, so I'm worrying am I just blind to it? But he isn't the possessive or jealous type in any way.. He's always so supportive and loving.. Basically I just want someone else's view on it... Because I still am quite shook up and upset by it.. Thanks!
Posts: 3 | From: London | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 64437

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One question I'd ask him, if I were in a position to, is about how this anger/physicality stuff relates to his own past. Was there a lot of physical expression of anger in his family? From his parents? Siblings? Or even among his friends?

If so, that could help to explain why this impulse is there with him, and possibly be a place for him to start thinking about how to address it, maybe in conversation with a therapist or other counselor.

Posts: 21 | From: New York | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Peer Ambassador
Member # 60502

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I can see why you are so upset and shocked - I would be too if my boyfriend unexpectedly up and punched me in the hip like that, especially if it really hurt!

You asked for opinions, so here's mine, but keep in mind it is just the opinion of a person who has about 15 line of information about you and your relationship with him... [Smile]

First, if it's really a one off like you say and totally out character for him, well it's still a red flag. Since he seems open to talking about it, maybe you should tell him that this incident has left you really shaken up and why. Even if it is out of character,if he didn't control it this time, and doesn't understand what made him do it, what's to say it can't and won't happen again? Even if you are totally in love and happy together, you're safety has to be both of your first priority. I totally second Angus's suggestion of counselling for him, and if you approach it from a standpoint of your health as a couple and as individuals it might be easier to talk about that.

The second thing I wanted to just point out to you is that you asked if he could become the kind of person who hits their wife. But violence within a couple isn't only a problem if it's between a married couple, as his girlfriend it is just a serious and just as bad to be a victim of violence, even if it's just one hit, and you have every right to take this seriously, ok?

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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