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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to say "no" in certain situations?

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Author Topic: How to say "no" in certain situations?
EauDbedroomDancing
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So, my boyfriend and I have been sexually active for a long time. As I have said in a post before, he is 20 and I'm going to be 17 next month. Sex is ALWAYS consensual between us, we never pressure eachother into doing it. He shares a room with his brother (who is a HUGE jerk) Lately his brother has started coming home from work early. When he gets home, he kicks us out of the bedroom.

Today my boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but we couldn't go in his room :-/ He suggested that we go in the bathroom, but that made me nervous because I was afraid his mom would need to use it while we were in there. (His mom has walked in on us having sex in his room once, and she got really angry because I'm under-aged) So I said no. He kept asking and asking, and I started to feel guilty about saying no. I really wanted to have sex, just not in the bathroom.

We ended up going to a part of his backyard where no one could see us. He kind of gave me attitude about that. He said it didn't make sense that I'd be willing to do it outside, when at least with the bathroom we have a closed door. My reasoning was that his mom or brother weren't going to the darkest corner of the backyard at 11:00 pm, but they would likely need to use the bathroom. The issue of where to have sex has started coming up more often this past month because of his brother, and it's making me feel guilty.

So, I guess what I'm trying to ask is: how can I say no, without seeming uninterested? My boyfriend is REALLY sensitive, and I can tell that he takes me saying no as rejection. He thinks I don't want to have sex with him, when really I just don't want to risk being caught. Sorry for the lengthy post D: Any suggestions?

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"My whole life looked like a picture of a sunny day..."

Posts: 34 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
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Well, have you explained that you just feel worried about getting caught again? I think the easiest way would just to sit down with him and tell him why you didn't want to have sex in the bathroom that night and then explain that you really don't want to get caught again. Thing is, remember even if you both want to, you could wait for another oppertunity rather than take one that might end up in both of you getting caught.

I think it doesn't make sense to get caught when you can just wait "Till the coast is clear", get what I mean?

Maybe instead of telling him no you could ask him to hold on or just plain out tell him that your not comfortable? However you shouldn't feel guilty when saying no to him and if he's continues to ask over and over again that would considered to be pressuring you to do something and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to get the habbit of whenever you say no to start doing that. Explaining to him that when you say you don't feel comfortable or saying no to him, you don't want him to feel pushed away or hurt and that's not at all your intentions.

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SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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Even if you didn't want to have sex with him, it wouldn't mean you didn't like him - it would just mean that you were making a sexual choice for your own body and mind. You always have the right to say no to the sexual situations you do not want, and to say yes to the sexual situations and environments you do. This includes saying 'not now' and 'not like this', 'maybe somewhere I feel safe and comfortable.'

Not wanting to be seen engaging in sex is a boundary that you have. Boundaries are important for healthy relationships and your partner will probably have some boundaries of his own around sex that he would probably expect you to respect.

If you wanted, and I mean absolutely wanted, not given in - to engage in sex in the back corner of the garden, then that's your own terms. Everyone is different in their sexualities and being in that corner was where you felt safest. He may not have chosen that himself, but that's him. If he didn't want to have sex there, he had the right to say no to that; either by deciding not to have sex or suggesting another idea that you have the right to say no to. To compromise, you can either find somewhere you both felt okay (perhaps the corner of the garden) or leave sex for another time.

Having sex on your own terms is your right, he can't 'give you attitude' about your own sexual choices - they are yours to make, not his. You don't have to justify them or give in to what he wants; everyone gets to make their own choices with sex. Sexual consent isn't just about saying yes or saying no, it's about being able to say 'not like this', 'not in the bathroom', 'not where I don't feel comfortable', and 'I would feel comfortable in the garden', and have those sexual choices completely respected by your partner.

It may be a good idea to speak with your partner about your right to make your own sexual choices, and to have those choices respected. Perhaps explain that your sexual choices are about you, and how you feel about sex and comfort, not about how you feel about him; therefore he should accept them.

[ 08-11-2011, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Can I check in with you about something?

Would you say that in your relationship, as it stands right now and has so far, that you feel you ALWAYS have the option of saying yes, no or maybe to sex when it's something your partner wants? And that you always feel able to give any of those answers, no matter what your reasoning?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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EauDbedroomDancing
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I tried talking to him, but he really just doesn't get that it wasn't because I didn't want to have sex. I just didn't want to get caught. But yes, the garden was my idea haha. I really felt more comfortable with that, plus I figured no one would go there all night.

Yes, I always have the option to answer however I want. And I know my boyfriend will respect that. If I say "no" to anything I know he won't do it.

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"My whole life looked like a picture of a sunny day..."

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Heather
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Does he have to get it in order to accept it and just let it go?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Djuna
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quote:
I tried talking to him, but he really just doesn't get that it wasn't because I didn't want to have sex. I just didn't want to get caught. But yes, the garden was my idea haha. I really felt more comfortable with that, plus I figured no one would go there all night.

Yes, I always have the option to answer however I want. And I know my boyfriend will respect that. If I say "no" to anything I know he won't do it.

Hi there, EauD! [Smile]

I hear what you're saying, but that word "respect" doesn't seem to be right here. To be somewhat blunt, him respecting your "no" to sex is about more than him just agreeing not to assault you on a given night. It means that he has to accept that you sometimes flat out don't want to have sex, and he needs to not give you a hard time over that or accuse you of not being attracted to him. Whether that's you having a headache, work to do, wanting to do something else, or as in this case, not having a safe place to have sex - if he's going to be respectful of you, he needs to accept that you have a right to not want to have sex with him. It's fine for him to want to talk about that and ask what the reason is, but the way he's behaving is not what I'd call respectful of you, particularly.

[ 08-13-2011, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: patrickvienna ]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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