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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend says no more sexual activity

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Author Topic: Boyfriend says no more sexual activity
Member # 48638

Icon 1 posted      Profile for luanne     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't want to make him seem mean. Just try to keep in mind while you're reading that I love my wonderful boyfriend.

He's very very religious and didn't plan on having sexual intercourse until he was married. He was okay with all other kinds of sexual contact. Most of the time he initiated it. For a few months, we did oral and manual- except I didn't want to receive oral, so I asked him not to- and everything went great.

Then he went on a trip and was away from me for over a month. When he came back we had sex as soon as we were alone. We both lost our virginities, and on a side note, it wasn't as awful as I'd heard- no pain! It wasn't exactly physically pleasurable because it ended quickly, but I enjoyed it. I wondered, though, why he had changed his conviction about sex. I asked him if he regretted it. He said no. We did it a few more times. Every time, I checked to make sure he wasn't feeling guilty or anything.

One day, we were talking about sex, and something he said gave me the vague impression that he was doing it "for" me. I talked to him more about that and eventually got out of him that he felt guilty. I suggested that we stop. He agreed and thanked me.

We ended up doing it again anyway. A couple times. After the second time, he was ready to do it again, but suddenly looked sad and said, "We should stop." A couple of weeks passed and things were physically back to how they were before he left for his trip: everything but actual intercourse. Then we ended up having sex, again. I said, "I'm sorry for not having the discipline to tell you no. You must feel bad." And he said, "Yes and no. I know we won't be together forever, but I feel like we will be!"

The next day, he was acting like he wanted sex again. I gave him a blowjob instead so he'd get some satisfaction without the guilt factor. He seemed happy. Later, he was driving, and he got that sad look again and said, "I don't think we should do anything but kiss anymore, if that's all right with you. Otherwise we're likely to end up sleeping together."

"Yes, of course," I said happily. But inside I was shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo" in the same tone of voice that a foiled supervillain uses.

We have not done anything but kiss since. I do not like it. One itsy bit. College is just around the corner and I've thought about finding a new partner who will actually touch me, but then I love my boyfriend for so many other reasons, I don't want to leave him. Plus I'd feel terrible dumping him just because he won't do anything sexual with me. I don't know if I should tell him how I feel, or whether that would even be right, considering that he'd jump to do all kinds of questionable things if he thought it would make me happy.

I love him a lot and I really miss that part of our relationship.


Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Djuna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi luanne! I'm sorry, this sounds like a really difficult situation for you.

So, it sounds like the two of you want radically different stuff from relationships that you're in. What that really means is that one of you is going to end up having things happen that make them unhappy - up until now, that's been your boyfriend, by the sounds of it, and now he wants to be more assertive about what he feels his comfort boundaries are. Equally, I think it would be valid if (as I'm hearing) you have a comfort boundary around doing a lot of kissing while knowing it can't lead to any sexual activity. I want to be real about that - being, for example, really aroused in a partnered situation with no or little chance of sexual release is something I don't find comfortable at all.

Too, I'm hearing that maybe you're feeling some rejection over this - and that's valid too. Your boyfriend has a right to be assertive about his boundaries, absolutely, but that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel hurt emotionally by that.

So, really, to me it sounds like it might be a good idea to break up, or to talk to him about whether he's comfortable opening up the relationship so you can have partners at college. I don't think it's terrible to dump someone because they don't want to be sexual, by the way; I think that's probably very smart, seeing as how your wants and needs are very different. Breaking up with someone when a relationship isn't making you happy, for instance sexually, is different to threatening to break up with someone unless they have sex with you. The second one is unfair; the first one isn't. You do very much absolutely have the right to end relationships you're not happy with. [Smile]

In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 74024

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Yelllowwalllpaper     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I used to be very very religious area years back, and I can tell you from experience that slipping up is painful. I think that talking to him about moving on to other people might be in his best interest aswell.

"Divine I am inside and out, and I make
Holy whatever I touch or am
Touch'd from,
The scent of these arm-pits aroma finer
Than prayer,
This head more than churches, bibles,
And all other creeds"
-Song of Myself, Walt Whitman

Posts: 16 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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