Hello again, I must say I'm amazed and somehow really thankfull with everyone at Scarleteen responding so many questions. You guys really help everyone here. So I have a prob, related to my last post...
I'm 19 years old, almost 20 and since I was about to turn 18, I've been getting involved with a couple of guys (I'm still a virgin), but all af these guys have had girlfriends or even kids. To be honest, at the beginning it was kind of fun for me because all of these guys are famous or really popular musicians, but now I kind of feel tired of not being able to have a serious relationship (actually I don't like relationships or compromise so much, but lately I've been changing my mind).
I go to a pshychoanalysis therapy and I'm trying to work out why do I keep having this behaviour even when I know I'm getting hurt or whatever. (Last time I took about 1 year to get over a guy with a kid and a girlfriend). My psychoanalyst said maybe I act with men as I really don't need them. I feel like I don't know anything about relationships and all my experiences have been quite dissappointing, I feel like everyone cheats on its partner eventually and I also feel rejected by people, even friends, because I tend to do things my own way and I'm not very common person. I also been feeling a bit down lately because the guy I've liked for a long time kind of gave me fake hopes and then he said he was dating someone else. I feel like I'm not enough for anyone, I know I have a lot of potential, I consider myself funny, smart, nice, etc. though I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but somehow I don't even feel enough for me.
What do you advice to me, I want to have a real relationship and maybe stop screwing things up, I don't know what is always wrong that I never get serious with anyone. I don't want to be alone, I want to have someone to share my life with...
I'm no expert in relationships either, but in my opinion what's wrong here is your damaged self-esteem. You say that you've got potential, but still don't feel enough for anybody, be it potential partners, friends...or even yourself! That makes me so sad because I understand where you're coming from, believe me! It's now that I'm in my 20s that I'm starting to feel good about myself.
I think that having a healthy self-esteem is key to having a good relationship with someone, no matter who they are (family members, friends, romantic/sexual partners, yourself). You need it in order to establish boundaries, to be able to express your wants and needs...and to make sure that nobody tramples on them. I don't know if you felt that way at the beginning or if it's all the result of your bad experiences.
You say that you didn't like relationships or compromise that much, but that you're worried about your not being able to get into a serious relationship. Here's what I think: maybe you lied to yourself in the first place, maybe you did want to have a serious relationship in the first place (or at least, one in which your needs are met), but got into those relationships anyway because your self-esteem got a boost from the attention you received at the beginning. When you have low self-esteem levels, it's easy to enter or stay into unfulfilling or unhealthy relationships, because you're just glad somebody pays you attention (or because you think that nobody else will). You may even sacrifice your needs just to make sure your partner stays with you. Has your psychoanalyst told you anything about this?
Like I said, I'm no expert. Maybe if low self-esteem is a consequence and not the origin of all this, the reason why you entered into relationships with guys that were taken is that you were afraid of intimacy, which always implies a bit of vulnerability. Anyway, you should be careful with who you show your vulnerability to. Make sure is someone who is respectful and caring.
Anyway, I really think you should work on your self-esteem, no matter what. You shouldn't let other people's judgement get you down. What if you're not a very common person? It means that you stand out from the rest, which doesn't necessarily has to be a bad thing. Usually, the people that are admired the most are those who don't follow the crowd. Don't do anything that you don't want to just to please other people.
Oh, thank you so much for your kind words. Indeed, I've been working this with my psychoanalyst. It is kind of "having the attention" of these guys, especially because their famous or popular between that social circle, but yes... my self esteem is not great right now. How could I start appreaciating myself again not tu get into hurtful relationships?
-------------------- "Je pense, donc je suis." - Descartes Posts: 13 | From: Mexico | Registered: Aug 2011
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