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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Having Troubled Nights

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Author Topic: Having Troubled Nights
SilverLining
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Hey Scarleteen.

Lately I've been having trouble sleeping... Well, I guess guys inaccurate;  I'd been falling asleep just fine. My dreams; nightmares are having my waking up at all hours and having me crying on most occasions.

Sigh, to give more insight this would be easier to understand I think with knowledge of me and my girlfriends situation, some of you already read the thread and posted, and I'm deeply grateful for that too. 

http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011286.html

just incase most of you don't want to read that; a little summery: Me and my girlfriend of exactly 1 year and 2 months (today) have had issues with her parents approving of us, well, me, because of my non religious background. From the start they have never wanted us together but we fell in love and persued it anyways; you know, the Teenage thing we like to do at our age (Me; 15 and Her: 16) and went on talking to each other as we liked. Of course our relationship got physical and we started exploring with each other which happened to be many firsts for both of us, then her parents found out that we had been "fooling around" and they were appalled at our behavior, but we knew we were in the wrong and owed up to it and apologized publicly to anyone who witnesses it, we should have gotten expelled but; oh she was the principals daughter, making things a bit complicated there for them to do that. Recently; say a month back? They found out that we had continued our relationship again against their will and instructions to just keep it as friends. They ended up completely banning her from communicating with me at all; email, skype, phone calls, texts, meeting in person, nothing. And to add to it; I just moved away from the island due to my dads job. We knew that was coming and was decided to stay long distance. But we haven't spoken to each other since July 12th.

I've tried coping my best with that and I've been keeping myself occupied waiting so we can finally talk again, but now I'm having different problem.

I'm having nightmares. Vivid nightmares, and all about her being with someone else. One for instance:


"I was driving on a dark road to a reunion; I didn't know why, but I was happy.  It was cold out and I was alone in the car, after I finally get there I walk in and there isn't much people there cause I was early. I sat at the bar. I was talking to this guy I didn't know and I asked if she were coming tonight, he said that ahe should be. After a lot more people came in, I saw her walk in, she looked at me, smiled and waved, then a guy walked in behind her and wrapped his hands around yhwr and kissed her, both of them smiling and talking to the other couple in front of them... And all I remember thinking was "Why?" but, the one thing that made this dream....nightmare thing different; unlike the other ones where I woke up right then, this one played out. I sat alone, she came over and said hi, introduced me to her husband and then I excused myself, the entire night I stayed watching her from a distant with a very real, gut wrenching feeling."

Another;

"I'd arrive at a airport and talk through stained glass doors and out to the outside of the airport, it was night and I saw her running up towards me, I would drop my suitcase and hug her tightly. I would spin her and finally set her down. I'd then reach into my pocket and bend down on one knee and pull out the little black box flipping it open, proposing to her. She gasps and covers her mouth, speechless, I'd feel happy, and then shed say " I can't, I'm already engaged..." and I'd feel embarrassed and the same gut wrenching feeling creeping up when the shadow behind her, with no face, wraps his arms around her and pulls her away from me."

Normally I wake up with the same feeling as if your falling.

I.... I have no way of rationalizing these nightmares and I have had dreams before, and then later in the week I recall seeing exactly what just happened before me, in a past dream of mine. And it seriously scares me.

The last one I describe, I have had whist still talking to her, while we were going through a fight. Now I'm having them repeat every night. I hate it.

Could this just be a result of me just missing her? Even so, why not dreams of me and her together? Why us broken apart or with someone else... Actually I have yet to have one where I am with another woman.

Is this just me being scared if her meeting another guy while I'm away from her? Or insecurities playing out in my head at night? It's honestly driving my crazy and I need someone, anyone to talk to me about it and offer an opinion on what they think.... Which is why I'm posting this here tonight.

I'm sorry to have to put anyone whose read through this entire post with me dragging on about this, but this is really bothering me, and normally the person I'd talk to about this, would be her. And I probably won't be hearing from her for a month or so... I hope these nightmares go away far before that...

I'm sorry for the incredibly long post, just need some comfort and opinion of another human being out there...

Thank you to anyone who does reply.

Sincerely, SilverLining.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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Dream analysis is an iffy thing, and it's not at all my forte (it's questionable if it';s anyone's, really, but I know it's not something I have education with).

That said, it would hardly be surprising if you're having some separation anxiety, and we do know that a) bad dreams are usually about worries and anxieties and b) you just experienced a pretty major and difficult separation.

It's certainly understandable you've been really upset and have had a whole lot to worry about. On top of all this stuff, you just had a move to a new place, which tends to be stressful even when it's positive. Moving is freaking stressful. Moving and leaving things or people behind you really cherish is exponentially more stressful. On top of all of THAT, it can be tricky to learn to sleep in new spaces, too.

Besides talking to your girlfriend, how do you usually take care of yourself when you're dealing with stress? Whatever those things are, have you been able to do any of them?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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I was thinking about "Dream Analysis" when I first started having them but having gotten around to reading up on anything about it unfortunately. I know my mother has has dreams and has literally predicted a death of my grandmothers close friendS. She was gotten right up from a deep sleep, sit upright, go: "Donovan it's going to rain go pick up the clothes please!" and even before
I go to ask her how on earth she knew it would rain, she'd be back to her nap. And surely enough as I was outside picking the clothes from the line; it started raining. And thinking if my mother had these dreams; so could I? I really started freaking out.

Uh, Talking to her became my smartest and most effecient way of dealing with stress seeing that I mostly relied on punching walls and doors, severely bruising my hands on several occasions and also doing unessesarily dangerous things to keep my mind off things and, "relieve stress by placing my attention elsewhere" I nearly shattered my knee cap attempting to go down a rocky pot-hole filled, steep hill going down.

Needless to say; I have yet to find another "safe" way of relieving stress.... Do you think it could be that? Stress?

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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Well, I think there is no doubt you have been and still are under a lot of stress, and yes, that's usually what is at the root of bad dreams or night terrors.

Let's set aside the notion your dreams are prophetic, okay? I know it can be easy to go there if and when you know someone whose dreams happened to align with their intuition (we had someone like that in my family, too), but that's just not how it works for most people, most of the time. Most commonly, dreams aren't about reality, save for the reality of our emotional state. Most experts who talk about dreams talk about them that way.

Sounds like besides talking to her, doing something physically cathartic has worked for you. the good news is, you can do those things without also hurting yourself. Ever taken a martial arts class, for instance? That or boxing can be great for that (and hooray for padding!).

Seems like writing here has helped you a little with things so far, since you came back. have you ever tried writing in a journal for yourself? That can be a big help, too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Boxing sounds fun... I'll look into some telephone books and advertisements to see if there are any martial arts classes on the island...wonder if it might help. I can be sort of a sport junkie once I get started to keep fit...

Yes, I've since I've posted about what happened here I've been trying to post on others topics to help them too like you guys with me. I've been trying to cope with missing her as well as I can and it's been working for the most part.

Actually, yes. But I knew if I started a journal for myself I would never keep writing it. Instead every night I lie on my bed with my iTouch and tap away what happened in my day and all that jazz and I email it to her... God knows when shell actually get to read all of it.

Sigh... So all of this nightmares is, could be just a result of built up stress? Sounds odly pathetic to me, but I guess it does make sense...

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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Bias alert: I used to be hardcore into boxing and also taught it part-time (and still hit the heavy bag now and then), so my opinion may perhaps be influenced by my own tastes. That said, it got me through both Bush elections, which, if you know me at all, you'd know is quite the testament to it's cathartic properties. [Smile]

I noticed you'd been around helping other people. That's so awesome, but seems like you've also found out sometimes helping others can help us, too. It's a cool thing!

Why not try journaling for yourself? Often, even when we're very candid with people we're close to, we're not quite as candid as we can be when we know no one but us will read it. Just see how it goes?

I don't know what's pathetic about feeling stressed out and having it manifest psychologically. That's how stress works when we don't manage it, and even when we do, it still has that impact sometimes.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Lol, Ill just be honest: I just like punching things. So boxing sounds great. I have tried different martial arts but soon got tired with not being able to over-do things when I clearly do enjoy being violent.

...Which my girlfriend had brought to my attention can be worrisome although useful when I need to tell little kids running around trying to hit eachother to quit it because I can be intimidating.

Yes [Smile] Im trying to help around here and I really do like knowing that I've helped other people. I've learned that a great deal of things I do know how to help with just involve situations I've been through or witnessed, thinking how simple it would be to rectify some arguments or disagreements if you just looked from another perspective which people often forget to do...

However my words fall on deaf ears mostly in person so I'm glad when I can actually help people out over here. Helps me think that I am making a difference and helping people.

As for the writing for myself... I can always start it...continuing it is the problem. I don't find writing to myself very comforting knowing that it's physically out there. I much rather lie in bed for an hour each night and let my mind run free trying to solve things I don't understand. I dont know; I've tried several times. Failed every attempt. Since the 26th I've sent an email every day to her however, and that has been longer than I've been able to keep a journal for myself. And writing to her does make me feel better.

I don't know. I just don't like the thought of me being stressed out very much I guess. I dont like being vunerable and emotional that much... For me I think that's where the punching walls came into play, a few punches full fedge when the parents aren't home. Then stupidly thinking how much it hurt my hands and wrists as I went on my day.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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(Yeah, me too. [Smile] ) Violence isn't the same thing as doing something like hitting a heavy bag. You don't intend to do anyone any harm, it's a controlled situation and movement, it's all good.

On your last paragraph? I have news for you.

You're human. Welcome to our race!

Seriously, stress is part of our lives, be it negative or positive. And we are all influenced and impacted by it in various ways. So, you're not Superman. That's okay. No one is.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Pfft, please being human seems so over rated these days. Have a radio active spider bite memor something will ya so I can I can lose the flubbed im starting to gain? I know I'm not fat, but I'm normally 120 and I'm 125 thanks to this wonderful no-sport-hibernation this summer has given me.

Btw; what's your birth date? Year doesnt matter too much to me; I tend to like to look at astrology whatchamacallits...horoscopes? I'm December 5th ^.^

Thanks btw; I really needed someone to just talk to mostly I think about this creepy dream situation. I really appreciate it Heather.

Well; I'm off to bed now... >.< wish me luck will ya?

Sweet Dreams.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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Yeah, it might be overrated, but we're all stuck with it all the same. [Smile]

Happy to help, and I hope you sleep well, or at least better.

(My birthday is 4/18/70. Prepare for the astrological hilarity that always ensues.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Yeah thanks I slept into the late hours of the morning...I still had the nightmares though. I really do hate them. Offer any dream busting techniques I can use?

Mhmm thanks again, really did help me calm down a bit after yesterday.

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SilverLining 2012

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Brennan
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Oh, God, how I can relate to your story.

I was with a man for the better part of last year. He was my first serious relationship, not to mention my first serious relationship with a male. I'd been in a few flings and such with women, and one or two with men, but nothing worth dwelling over.

I had been suffering from rather intense insomnia due to loneliness I'd experience while laying in bed at night, and I was talking to one of my gay friends about it when he told me about a 'cute young thing who loves ****.' (I know, not exactly the best introduction to a relationship, but I was desperate for affection from either gender, and given my bisexuality, I was willing to at least go on a date with the man.)

I quickly learned that this man had a lot more to him than a penchant for fellatio, and we immediately hit it off, resulting in jumping into a supportive, exclusive relationship.

Well, fast forward a couple months, and I learn he's into drugs. Fast forward two weeks, and I've tried to get him to stop taking them. Fast forward two days, and he's caught me trying to tell his father about his drug use in a last ditch attempt to save his life.

After that we had a very violent break-up, but I sometimes still have this re-occurring dream:

I'm at some kind of dinner party. It almost reminds me of those 60's key parties where flingers would trade car keys and drive home with random people. I see my ex and a new girlfriend of his. (even though he was gay, I suppose him having a girlfriend was supposed to be a manifestation of my guilt toward being bisexual while he was adamant that I was gay, despite my attempts at 'breaking' it to him.)

They immediately notice me, whereupon I am introduced to his new mate. I kiss her hand cordially and look up at him, smiling through the gut-wrenching emotions beginning to flood my body.

I can recall his eyes being filled with love while looking at her, and the horrible amount of pain that his gaze isn't directed at me, even though he was violent both physically and mentally to me toward the end of our relationship.

The most painful part of the dream is when we're all sitting at a table, eating. She gets a bit of something on her nose, and he smiles, calling her by the pet name he used to call me, and licks it off of her nose. Immediately I stand up, tears brimming in my eyes, and tell them I'm going to the bathroom. Once reaching the bathroom, I heave and wretch over a sink, sobbing and screaming until I wake up.


Sounds very similar to your dreams, no? I think they might be caused by being separated from someone you weren't in a healthy, accepted relationship with. I think the fear of finding your ex with a member of the opposite sex is caused by one's own fear of finding love in the opposite sex. At least, that's how it was for me.

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SilverLining
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Mhmm, it does remind me of my own, nightmare. It reoccurs every night or so, and I'm hopeless as to what I do in the dream no matter how many times I have it I can't control what I do.

What I don't understand though, normally if I'm missing her, I'd dream of me and her snuggling together or going out together. Last night after I woke up from the bad dream I went back to sleep again and had a VERY different dream.

I was at a airport and she walks out of the arrival gates, I run to her and pick her up kissing her. It's based here at the island I'm living in now and we both look older, and for her 18th birthday present, (2013 January 20) I plan on saving enough money to buy her a ticket to fly here. Then her parents can't say what she can or can't do anymore. I will be just turned 17 however and I'm wondering if my parents will allow her to stay with us. I love her very much.

I do understand what it feels like though. The gut wrenching feeling.

I get it whenever I start thinking "What if she falls in love with someone else..?" I am keeping myself exclusive and I'm sure she is doing the same but I can't help thinking what ifs... I think it's a big part behind my nightmares aswell...

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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SilverLining: I just brought this up to someone the other day, but does it help to recognize that if and when someone's feelings change like that, they can change whether you're near and around them or whether you're not?

In other words, she could have fallen in love with someone else even if you hadn't moved, even if you two were together every day. Being apart isn't the only way that can happen.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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I understand that but i feel it's a whole lot less likely when your talking everyday and get to laugh and be with each other. A whole less likely of falling in love with another when your sneaking off with your boyfriend/girlfriend to a pond so you can just talk with your feet in the water, hands together.

But when your apart and haven't talked for weeks when you used to talk everyday, that's a big change, dramatically. When you alone and you need comfort, someone you trust comes along and you open up to them; I may only be 15 but that's how I lost my other girlfriend. I was away and without communication with her, her mother was in a car accident. And she sought comfort, one of my friends talked with her about it all she wanted and needed; she fell in love and cheated on me.

I know it doesn't always happen; but I have my reason to be worried. I love her very much and I trust her more than I trust myself quite frankly, but I still worry.

[ 08-06-2011, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: SilverLining ]

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SilverLining 2012

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SilverLining
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Sorry; it posted twice.

[ 08-06-2011, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: SilverLining ]

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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I can understand you feeling that way, but I'm just pretty sure that's not how it plays out in actuality.

In actuality, couples split up all the time, whether they are together all the time or apart. For most people your age, the average length of a relationship where they aren't usually long-distance is around six months. Adolescent romantic relationships simply tend to be shorter, even when people can see each other (that's mostly about personal development, from what we can tell). That's an average, meaning plenty of people have shorter relationships and plenty have longer, but I put it out there so you can recognize that even if this doesn't go as you want it to, that may or may not be about this distance, and splits happen all the time, not just because people move away.

As well, I think we can safely say that for as often as distance makes people feel distant, it also, in the words of an old cliche, makes the heart grow fonder. So, who knows what will happen here.

In actuality, if and when we're not satisfied in a relationship, being more and more around that person can make us more inclined to get out of it, because we're constantly reminded of what we don't like. In actuality, just having someone around all the time isn't what most people need to feel satisfied in a relationship, nor does being together all the time somehow keep everyone's feelings from changing.

I agree, being long distance after not being so is a big change. But too, in your other situation, I hear what sounds like each of you really making the other your whole world, so that when you were separated, someone felt the need to try and replace that one other person. That's a problem no matter what happens, honestly: when we're doing interpersonal relationships in a healthy way, we have more than one person we talk to and are close to. Do you know what I mean?

Honestly, I think even before your move, you two had some barriers to staying close. Now the distance is more literal, but with her having parents that totally separated you from contact, this was an issue already. And so long as the dynamics in her family don't change, this was going to stay an issue. In other words, I don't mean to make you feel even worse, but it seems to me that sustaining this relationship was already a major challenge, and is already something you should probably recognize may be very hard to sustain, even if you hadn't moved.

I know that's rough: it's been rough, it is rough. It really sucks that you two have been put in this spot, for a whole host of reasons. And I know how much losing or potentially losing big loves, especially early in life, can hurt like hell and be scary as hell. I also know how much forced separations like this can seriously up the ante.

But there really is nothing you can do right now, just like there hasn't been for a while, clearly. You can't control what happens here, and you can try to hold on to this as much as you want, but whether it sticks around or not is basically nothing but a gamble, given you two can't even communicate with each other. In other words, there are no efforts either of you can make right now to sustain this relationship, and that lack of control has got to make all of this feel that much worse.

But I think if you can find some way to make some kind of peace with all that -- and I'm not suggesting that's going to be easy -- you're going to start feeling a lot better and this will all stop being quite so scary.

[ 08-06-2011, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Yeah I understand what you mean about lack of control right now but eventually, they seriously can't expect us no to find someway to talk if we really want to talk with each other. Now the reason we can't talk because they have taken away her means of communication with mostly anybody since they won't allow her to go out because of what happened aswell. They took away her laptop and cell phone but shell be getting her laptop back around September for schoolwork aswell as other things. And she lives at school so she could say she's working anytime she is on it. It isn't as if we always talked with soley; she was however a huge part of my life.

I still went out to parties or to hang out with friends with friends; we both knew there was no reason we needed to be joined at the hip when we both knew we liked doing different things. Surely; we did talk a lot and we shared A LOT of our time together but we didn't sort to say, "gravitate" around the other.

From reading the situation; anyone could gather that this relationship me and her had wasnt all that easy to go about but we were happy never the less. Countless times she asked me if I wanted to date someone else and have a normal relationship with them, she would understand. But I said I didn't want that, and I truly didn't want that. I was happy, even through our arguments or rough patches in the relationship... I'm judging this as just another rough patch.

We love each other. We still had our seperate lived and talked to our own friends; we didn't spend all day just talking to each other.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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I was referring to the ex you were talking about, not your current girlfriend.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Speaking honestly about my past relationship; it was more a fling than a serious thing to both to us. I realized that more as we got bored of talking and hanging out occasionally and just settled for making out. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt; I still cared about her never the less. But I got over it and she was happy with my friend and I could honestly say today I'm glad they got together cause they are still together this day. It's nice to see them happy together I don't carry jealousy or resent for it happening although the timing was suckish; we are all friends.

I thought you were referring the my current relationahip; sorry for the mix up.

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SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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So, sounds like having some distance wasn't the issue with that relationship after all, no? Sounds like even when being together, you express you were feeling bored and dissatisfied.

Like I said, relationships change or end for all kinds of reasons, without distance or with it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Yes, but it wasn't as if it was all the time: we still had our happy times. And yes; feelings may change weather or not distance is involved however I do think that it would play a big factor.

If I was there with her to talk to her; she would have come to me; her boyfriend who had supported her before, instead of our friend, changing the outcome wouldnt it? Therefore distance does play a factor when it comes to a relationship.

I might not reply right away cause I have to leave the iTouch to change; I'll reply later once I can [Smile]

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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Distance can be a big factor in people separating or finding someone else they are interested in. But it also cannot. I just think it might help you out to recognize that a) you two were separated (you and your current) in major ways before your move and b) what impact this distance has on the two of you isn't something you're going to be able to predict.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Sigh I realize that I can't predict how this will impact our relationship together and that we were separated by some barriers, but I feel that those were mostly physical rather than emotional because we were and I feel that we still are very close emotionally. We know each other well and I think that we can make it though this particularly time just fine.

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SilverLining 2012

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Heather
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So, maybe let those feelings you've voicing lead as you can? In other words, I hear you saying you feel mostly hopeful about this, despite the challenges. But it sounds like your anxiety is leading in other respects.

Perhaps you can think about what you can do, in taking care of yourself and comforting yourself, to give those hopeful feelings more airplay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SilverLining
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Mhmm. I understand. Although I don't feel anxious much, a suppose it may be in play.

Thank you Heather for talking this long with me. It's been helpful I think and makes me think more.

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SilverLining 2012

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