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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How can I talk to my mom?

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Author Topic: How can I talk to my mom?
reeree
Neophyte
Member # 70526

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I've tried but everytime we do, even on "safe subjects" it ends in a screaming match. I don't know what the problem is though. I tried analyzing it and I can't figure out why we can never get along. Is there something we could do together or as a family to stop this (something you did or an activity to make us bond)? Half the time I can't stand to be near here, the other half I love her. I try to listen to her and she says she tries to listen to me but we just can't get along.

And yes this will be the last question for a while. ^^;

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Has there always been lots of screaming and yelling in your family?

If so, have you, as a family, ever gotten any help with that, such as with family therapy?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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reeree
Neophyte
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Hey Heather. [Smile] Thanks for replying so quickly. My mom considered getting therapy for us but we never EVER go through with it. I don't know any places that offer good therapy without charging a lot either. We are broke. And whenever I bring it up they say "YOUR the one that needs therapy, we should send you to a therapist instead." Like its a bad thing. :/

My family is actually very close ...somehow. We love eachother and I feel safe with my parents and such but we are always ALWAYS arguing(usually me and my mom and my dad gets involved to break it up but there has been plenty of arguing between just them too). I don't know what to do. I guess now its just an "automatic thing." Whenever we are angry we end up yelling. How can I shut that reaction off? I want to get a mouth filter or something. Its hard though because my mom is the type that just needs to repeat what happen over and over and over outloud so that agitates me even if I'm trying to agree with her and stay quiet.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, you could certainly start with therapy for yourself if they're willing to make that happen. It's very common for therapists of children and young people to get into your family dynamics, and if and when they aren't healthy, to then ask parents to also participate in therapy.

Do you know your sitch around health insurance? If you don't have any, there are often public health services that can provide counseling for families or individuals.

The tough thing is that one person can never change the dynamics of any relationship or a whole family by themselves. It's something everyone involved needs to make efforts with for change to happen. And if you grew up learning to scream and yell when in conflict, you'll need to get help unlearning those behaviors to make changes with yourself.

That's not just something where you can just shut it off, it's something where you need to go through a process of learning to manage conflict or hard feelings in healthy ways. And if and when you do -- and hopefully you will! -- then the next step when YOU respond in healthy ways, but someone else just won't, is to disengage from those relationships if that person won't also learn to change their behaviors.

But if your Mom has considered family therapy, then it sounds like she has some clue that things aren't healthy and that all of you could use help. Have you ever been able to talk about why you don't go through with that and get help having a better relationship, having that talk when no one IS upset, but everyone is calm?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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reeree
Neophyte
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I have health care, my parents don't. Its some complicated thing involving my dad's job.

I think its just that we don't know where we can get it for free or very cheap, still have a good therapist, and be able to go there on the weekends (due to our schedules). Also, I guess she figures we are fine without it so its not "needed" ...I think it is. After a big fight, regardless of whose fault it is or who started it, she always ignores me. Even when I'm trying to make it up to her. I mean I get ignoring me if I'm still mad at her but if I'm not shouldn't she try to resolve it too? And neither of my parents think that my opinion matters in these fights. Even if I'm confused as hell as to why their angry in the first place. My dad has told me that I, as the "child", have to sit there and take it because its their right to not be yelled at. I KNOW half of the conflicts ARE started by me or are my fault but I'm sure the other half are theres. They always say their sorry first and trying to 'understand me' but, even if it does make me feel better I know thats bs. Neither of us seem to understand eachother regardless of how much we want to. Sorry for the rant. I'm just still upset. [Frown] If the next post to your question/answer comes a bit later its because I had to leave . Again thank you for this.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Have you ever tried to have a talk about all of this when none of you are upset? or maybe written a letter?

I'd suggest trying that first. Then, if you like, I can certainly help your family look for help near you that's free or low-cost. Just because a therapy service doesn't cost a lot doesn't mean the therapy isn't just as good. It usually just means the counselors/therapists involved have chosen to work with more accessible services, often because they are dedicated to everyone getting help they need, not just people of higher incomes.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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reeree
Neophyte
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Okay. How should I start it? Maybe "We need to bond more and listen to eachother" or something? Should I write it in their first language or mine? That also seems to be a problem...despite taking Spanish in school and learning it its just doesn't stick. [Frown] I'm trying to start to learn it on my own because the school Spanish program, as I discovered, just isn't good.
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reeree
Neophyte
Member # 70526

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I've thought it over and found out how I should start it and the language. If you have any advice on it thanks if not also thanks. I'm going to start it and see if we can just come together and talk.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Wow, I imagine that having language barriers within your family has got to be very tricky to deal with sometimes.

Sounds like you have a sense of how to get started with this. My only advice, really, is to just write from your heart and to say the kinds of loving things you have here: like that you really love your family, that it's so upsetting to you when you all wind up yelling, and that you'd really like it if you could all make some real efforts to communicate in better ways together so you can stay close or get even closer.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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reeree
Neophyte
Member # 70526

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Ya, it is. My parents sometimes get mad at me for things I try to translate from English to Spanish- I mistranslated a few things and instead of it being a joke or instead of it being just a sentence it turns into an insult or they don't get what I want to get across. None of my friends know/speak Spanish so I have ever only gotten practice at home. I can understand everything I read or am told so its incredible frustrating when I can't translate bigger words into Spanish. [Frown]

Thank you very much I'll be sure to to take your advice to heart.

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