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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Feeling disrespected by my bf?

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Author Topic: Feeling disrespected by my bf?
Member # 44219

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To background this, my bf and I started dating in May, knowing that once the school year ended he would be staying at school and I would go home (about 2 hours away). I have visited him 4 times throughout the summer and it's during these visits that I feel like he doesn't really want me there.

I usually drive down and stay at his apartment for 1 day and 1 night and then drive home the next day. Whenever I've gone, I end up having to clean his apartment because he or his roommate have a group of friends coming over. This really bothers me because he doesn't clean for me when I visit, and he doesn't seem to consider doing the cleaning before/after I'm there so that I don't feel obligated to help.
What also bothers me is that every time I've visited he's had plans to party or just drink with friends. I never find out about this before I arrive, and he just assumes that I want to go. He doesn't seem to think that I wouldn't want to go after being hospitalized for alcohol poisoning (while visiting him) earlier this summer. This issue really irritates me because I ask him before I visit if it will be an inconvenience to him, and he always insists that he wants me to come. But, once I get there he doesn't show much concern for what I would like to do.
Finally, he insists on sleeping in until 12 or 1 in the afternoon. I'm an early riser (7 am), and though I don't expect him to get up as early as I do, it really irritates me that he can't be bothered to get up even a couple of hours earlier to spend time with me since I'm only there for 1 day.

So, to sum up: I feel like I've spent a lot of time and money to come visit him this summer, something which he has not reciprocated by coming to visit me (his family lives near me). When I do visit, he makes me feel secondary to the other things going on. I don't expect that he will drop everything to spend time with me while I'm there, but it would be nice if he acted like he appreciated the time I've dedicated to spending with him. Perhaps I'm way overreacting about these relatively small things, but I just need to vent and maybe learn how to discuss this with him.

Posts: 28 | From: US | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
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Member # 49582

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You definately aren't over-reacting! This is how you feel, and you get to feel however you do feel.

It sounds like he is being unfair in this relationship. One person in a long distance relationship shouldn't be the one who does all the work, because that just isn't fair. Does he have the money to visit you? It would be fairer if he shared shared being the one who travels with you.

It does seem like he's being insensitive with going out when you are the too - especially after one time got you seriously hurt with alcohol poisoning!

The best thing to do would be to speak to him about this. Tell him that you would like it just to be you two when you visit from now on, and that you do not want to go out drinking - especially after what happened. Also explain that you would really like it if he visited you as well.

His sleep pattern unfortunately nobody can alter except him - but that should be less of a problem if he does not go out and spends time with you instead for the small amount of time you are there.

If you perhaps approach this from a 'I would really like it if...' way rather than an angry way, it may be better.

'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 44219

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I have a little bit of a continuation to this:

Last thursday, I asked my boyfriend if he would help me move some stuff into my apartment later this week and he said yes. Today, I texted him about those plans and he told me that he could no longer help because he was going to be out of town on (he had mentioned the trip to me before).

I'm really bothered by this, not because he backed out of our plans, but because it took me texting him about it for him to let me know he had to cancel. To me it seems like he either doesn't care enough about our relationship to remember when we have plans OR that he doesn't respect me enough to feel the need to notify me when he can't meet up.

I'm confused about what to do here. I've spoken to 2 of my friends and they both think that bringing it up would just create drama over a small incident. However, I've had communication problems with him before (I'm almost always the one to initiate conversation between us) and feel like I need to draw the line somewhere. It just seems so unfair that other girls get boyfriends who call them every day and I end up as the girl who never hears from her guy.

How did I become the doormat in this relationship?

Posts: 28 | From: US | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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How did I become the doormat in this relationship?
presuming that you'd make different word choices if you did, have you had this conversation with your boyfriend?

Not about one thing or another, but about feeling that way, full-stop, and feeling like things keep happening where often you are taken for granted or aren't really considered.

If not, sounds to me like it's part-time to do that.

But one thing I'd add in here to know, just in terms of relationships, is that it's important for all of us to always try and keep things balanced in terms of what effort and energy (and money!) we're putting out, and what the other person is. If and when it starts to feel imbalanced, then you need to make some limits and, for instance, pulling back on visits you totally fund, rather than keeping up a pattern of a lot of stuff coming from you without a similar amount coming back from the other person. If you're always the one initiating communication, you need to say that (ironically annoying, I know), and make clear that you need things to be more two-way. If and when the other person doesn't respect that and make the appropriate efforts, then you need to evaluate the relationship and likely reconsider either being in it, or being in it to the degree you are, with the level of time and energy you're investing.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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