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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Constantly Breaking Up

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Author Topic: Constantly Breaking Up
Member # 32076

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I've broken up with my boyfriend about 5 times or more within the past year and a half.

A few weeks ago, I told him that it was really and truly over this time. We consider ourselves to be officially broken up.

We had kept our distance for a while, but now we're hanging out again. We're also having sex again. Each time we break up, it seems that we miss each other and then start up again. We have a very strong friendship, and we're attracted to each other, so this is why it is so difficult.

I'm not sure if this is my fault or not. Sometimes I feel like I'm causing this, and then I feel guilty, but I don't know how to stop this cycle.

The thought of us not hanging out together makes me tear up. We've had long discussions about this, and I told him how I feel. He keeps saying that he doesn't understand why I want to break up with him.

When we're in a relationship, I feel smothered and like I want to escape. There are a number of reasons why I don't want to be his girlfriend. I often just feel that we just don't fit together romantically. He once told me that he refuses to say "I love you" because he would only do so if he knew he was going to promise marriage to that person. His cold attitude hurt me and it continues to be a huge source of the reason why I don't want to be with him.

This is the strange part - when we're broken up, I suddenly feel more attracted to him. I start to look for him and enjoy hanging out more. I don't understand why I feel this way?

I just feel very confused. I've tried very hard to get over him and I don't know what it will take to finally reach closure. I know that friends with benefits is a horrible idea, but that's basically what we're doing right now. Once he even asked me if we could try the whole "friends with benefits" thing! I was very offended and angered by his question. How could he see me as just a friend to have sex with?

He told me that he's not seeing anyone else and that he hasn't the entire time we've known each other. I think I believe him. So, I wouldn't consider this to be an "open" relationship.

I know that we're not a match for each other. But, I feel like he understands me and we have shared so many experiences together. I can't imagine not having him in my life. In fact, if I knew that he was seeing someone else, I would probably feel extremely hurt. But maybe that's just because I'm not over him yet.

I'm so confused!

[ 08-01-2011, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: tbelle ]

Posts: 107 | From: New England | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 72701

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I think I understand what your going through. When you break up with him you feel as if he isn't there to "smother" you rather try to keep it friendly but you both keep getting together and keep doing more than that; which isn't what you want.

I think this is mostly because you might like being cared about and such but to a certain degree? Could you explain more why you feel smothered or what he does to make you feel that way?

If you really want to break up with him, I think you should take time for yourself and really figure out what you really want. I understand that you DON'T want a "friends with benefits" arrangement with him or anything like that so I suggest that stop that by telling him that you don't want that with him and tell him to respect what you want and just keep it as friends so you can figure out what you want.

Honestly it just sounds like both of you just fell right back into the same relationship you had before.

SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask how you feel about being without a boyfriend, period?

In other words, when you think about and visualize your life single, what does it look like, and how do you feel about it? Does doing that feel exciting and wanted? or does it feel scary and intimidating? Something else?

As well, when you say you just want him in your life, have you two ever talked about/tried being friends and being in each other's lives that way?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 32076

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We are trying to be just friends, but it's really hard. I went on vacation for three days, so I haven't seen him and it's help me to calm down.

Usually we see each other every single day because we met at work. But, now he's starting a new job and I will only see him for a brief time every day. Maybe that will help things.

I usually don't like being single. I feel lonely very easily. I've tried taking up hobbies, but it has been very difficult to find anything that I really like doing on a regular basis.

Posts: 107 | From: New England | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Maris C
Member # 79157

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I've also experienced being broken up a couple of times with my ex-boyfriend. I also longed for him when we first broke up. But then, we had a major fight over a very simple thing. Prior to that we'd always had some misunderstandings and stuff, til it went to a major fight. So we ended breaking up again. My point here is that after breaking up and getting back again, it will not make things better for both of us. It will even get worst. So what I did was getting into things that could help me forget about my ex. I just went out look for someone else.

Online Dating

Posts: 1 | From: Malaysia | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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