Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Feelings of loss after a breakup

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Feelings of loss after a breakup
mesopotamia
Neophyte
Member # 48736

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mesopotamia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, the topic title is a little misleading, because my relationship with my ex-boyfriend ended almost a year ago. I ended pretty horribly (because of me), and while my ex had every right to cut me off forever, I selfishly continued to stay in contact with him. He was too addicted to me (for lack of a better description) to resist. I knew that it would be infinitely healthier for him to just toss me and move on, but I just couldn't let him go completely like that. We existed as a really hazy and ill-defined friends with benefits relationship.

Our actual long-term relationship was populated with mini-spats, mostly because I blow up after I perceive something he says as insensitive or insulting (usually based on the implications of what he says). We always went up and down like that. And our situation after the break-up was pretty much more of the same. But one day, after a very mild spat, he cuts me off. He didn't reply to any of my calls or texts even a few days later. This was a few weeks ago.

Recently it has finally hit me that somehow now he finally has the strength to dump me once and for all. I know he really deserves it, but I am terribly sad. My birthday was a few days ago, and I had sorely hoped that he give me a call or send me a text, because I knew he wouldn't forget my birthday. I was disappointed when I awoke that I didn't get any message from him. But turns out he drove to my house sometime during the night and tied a balloon on my mailbox. I spent most of the day in tears or holding them back. While eating out for birthday dinner, I texted him to say thank you and he replied 'who is this?'. I burst into unstoppable tears at the table.

I don't know if I miss him, our relationship, or just the feeling of being in a relationship. While I can't think of him right now without crying my eyes out, I don't think I would want to get back together with him. Right now, I think I need to move on, as does he, but he was also my best friend and I have very few true close friends. He was not someone I want to let go of forever...

But in terms of moving on, I am seriously considering getting my navel pierced as a sort of commemoration of him. He had wanted me to get my belly button pierced (I thought it would look kind of cute, but it was not an idea I would seriously consider on my own -- I'm kind of a goody two-shoes), and in the past few days I have been entertaining this as my version of getting a tattoo in honor of someone. I'm envisioning that eventually, when the piercing would heal, I would keep a dangling heart ring in -- like a part of my heart is forever marked by him. Does this sound like an ok idea? I would not be telling my mom about this -- I am 19 so I don't need to, but I tell my mom most everything. In this case, my mom would probably consider it inappropriate and also its my private commemoration of him.

Posts: 35 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Djuna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm really sorry that you're going through your grieving process for the end of this relationship - it sounds like this is really difficult for you, but you seem to be dealing with it well. So I hope you feel better about this in time. [Smile]

As for getting a body modification to commemorate a partner (or getting one on the wishes of a partner), I don't know that that's something I think is wise. Getting a piercing is probably preferable to a tattoo in that sense of being non-permanent, but I'm not sure that it's wise thing to do while you're still going through the grieving process at the end of this relationship.

As for being "forever marked" by him, while I agree that as people we're the product of our experiences and the people we've known, it's not valid to suggest (as many people do) that that means we've "given" parts of our "heart" to people that somehow we can't get back.

I don't want to particularly advise you about this either way, just to stress that I think this needs thought and might not be something to do right now, when your feelings are very immediate and likely not in a form that's going to stay the same for a long time. We do have a good article about making body-mod decisions, though:
A Body Modification Primer

--------------------
In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
Activist
Member # 72701

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SilverLining     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Mesopotamia,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship ended this way but I think that you are doing well dealing with it. Just know that it is normal to grieve and feel as you miss the person after the breakup especially if you both were close.

However I don't advise to get the percieing solely on a remembrance of them. I agree that it is better than a tattoo in the sense that isnt permanant however i think that you should take some time for yourself before you make a decision like getting a peircing. Take some time for yourself and enjoy being with friends.

--------------------
SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
breath
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50014

Icon 1 posted      Profile for breath     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello Mesopotamia,

I agree with all the above posters that this is a difficult time for you and that it is normal to feel like you terribly miss this person. I hope you are taking good care of self.

You said that you "think you need to move on". If you do a tatoo or piercing, that will likely remind you of your time with this person when you look at your body, shower, change clothes. If you are truly wanting to move on, I'm not sure if a such an intimate reminder will be best tool to assist you in that?

I have an involuntary scar from my time with another intimate interaction - It was involuntary and now that I am no longer with him, it still reminds me of that time. Since it's a scar, it wouldn't likely go away soon. I have learned to deal with it, but I can only imagine doing something so deliberate to my body would have been even more difficult.

Have you thought of other ways to commensurate and move on? Are you looking for a closure? May people have found that letter writing, and/or maybe burying that letter somewhere in a spot (i.e maybe in a special designated corner of a park) etc may be more helpful? I am just giving you ideas to get you started, so that if you ever need to grieve more, you'll have a spot that's meaningful for you to return too.

Posts: 357 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mesopotamia
Neophyte
Member # 48736

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mesopotamia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you guys for your concern. I thought more about it last night, and decided that what I miss is really kind of a feeling of possessiveness. It makes me really jealous to think that he might have found someone else, or even someone else to sleep with. Even though I think it's unlikely that that's the case at this point, it makes me very sad to think about it. I also miss feeling cared for. Like I said before, I have very few friends. It's not like I'm unhappy with that per se; in fact, I might even classify myself as a natural loner. I had him and one other close friend, who's awesome but not exactly my confidante for all matters, so to lose him is really a big hit. I feel like I have no one to talk to, because it was to him I'd tell absolutely everything. Its also a 'you don't know what you have until you lose it' kind of realization as well.

I also can't tell if I still love him, I think I do, but honestly I am not a caring person by nature and my sadness over losing him like he's some sort of commodity I can no longer claim to own makes me doubt what I think.

I'm a little confused as to your guys' opposition to the piercing...maybe I'll rant a bit more about why I want to do it (I do very seriously want to do it, I've already done my research, but I don't want to make you guys think I don't value your advice). I am lukewarm with the idea on my own; I think it would look nice, but at the same time I'm kind of scared of having it done and I don't really see a particular reason for it. I know that I shouldn't mark my body permanently for something that might not be permanent -- like tattooing someone's name/face on my body out of my passionate love for them at the moment, only to break up some time later.

I am not very emotional by nature, usually I am pretty good at partitioning my thoughts, so I'll be consumed by tears when I think about him but perfectly normal when he slips into the back of my mind (I'm tearless right now, so maybe I'm getting better already). So I don't think that my consideration of getting a piercing is completely impulsive -- although I did contemplate a few times before just driving over to the parlor and getting it done pronto. Reason did return to me though, and I'm still heavily in favor of the idea, although the idea of needles makes me a bit nervous.

Maybe I can clarify the reasons that I can fathom right now for the piercing: I want to 'honor' what we had because we were together for so long and I really did change a lot as a person because of him. I owe him so much for him sticking with me while I was downright insufferable and hard to be around. I was a selfish shrew (I still am for the most part, but I'm working on it) and I want to do something not necessarily for him (because presumably he won't ever see this piercing), but to signify to myself how I've changed.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that in the way I see it, my motivation is more for myself than for him. I want something to mark how he's changed me and opened my eyes to see myself as a person and how I can improve. If we were still together, getting my navel pierced would be something he would appreciate but by no means would he push on me. Similarly to this one time that I surprised him by waxing off all of my pubic hair because in the past he had expressed a strong preference for removing the hair. It was the kind of rare, albeit small, act he had immeasurable appreciation for because it was an unexpected show of my love for him. I know it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, for me and how much of a b** I was, it was huge.

So, thank you guys again for your replies. Does my motivation make more sense? I am stubborn as well as selfish, so I'm sorry I sound like I'm blatantly ignoring your advice, but the idea still sounds legitimate in my head -- at least as legitimate as getting a tattoo after a loved one who has passed away. I really can't think of a reason that I'd regret it; at the end of the day, this piercing is not something I oppose...in fact, my motivation right now is probably in part just an excuse to get over my fear of the needle.

Posts: 35 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
Activist
Member # 72701

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SilverLining     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you for clearing up more why you wanted to get the piercing, I'm sure that the others would also agree that the way you had put it earlier it sounded more like you were doing it for him than for yourself and that's what I picked up from it aswell.

As for the pericing on that part; my own mom had gotten one and later (around a month later) that she didn't like it and just left it alone so it isn't as if if you do get periced you HAVE to wear anything anyways. However; on the part of nervous with the needle and such, maybe go with your other friend you talked about? That way you have someone your at least familiar with you. So it wouldnt be as hard as you.

I am sorry to hear about your relationship and what your feeling now, but it will get better and I'm glad that you see that the relationship indeed has changed you in a positive way. Carry your experiences into your next and learn more; a relationship-- of any kind-- should be a learning expeirence where you should be able to better yourself as a person after all.

As for the feelings of not knowing who to talk to about your feelings and such; may I suggest a dairy or journal or something of the sort? I started to do one for myself and trust me; I felt really stupid writing in it at times, but in truth it does help get out feelings and makes you THINK more about what's going on or what's upsetting you. Just sitting down and jot down or type what's going through your mind; anything at all.

I hope you the best, and for what it's worth, remember that every dark cloud does have a SilverLining [Wink]

Lol, sorry it just slipped out. I know very cheesy [Razz]

Wow, I just read through this entire post... I hardly believe myself that I'm a 15 year old!

Anyways! I hope that this post helps you somehow, (and hopefully made you smile with my little joke)

--------------------
SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mesopotamia
Neophyte
Member # 48736

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mesopotamia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
don't worry...your joke wasn't THAT cheesy =P

I still haven't fathomed it completely -- I mean, I am getting the piercing for him, but sort of symbolically speaking. I guess the main clarification is that I don't expect to show him the piercing if we do happen to see each other again, and furthermore, Im not trying to use the piercing to convince him to pick up contact with me again. The best I can do to explain my motivation is just to say 'in memory of...'

I will be going alone...I'm think I'm game enough to not chicken out, and also my bestie is from my out-of-state college, so she's not around. In addition, she's not my confidante and I don't really tell her the inner dealings of my heart anyways. I had pinpointed Tuesday as the first day that I'd have time to get it done, but I've been overeating lately and I think I might have to wait until Thursday for the bloat to go down lol. A stretched-out stomach doesn't sound like the ideal placement for a navel piercing.

Posts: 35 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
breath
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50014

Icon 1 posted      Profile for breath     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I am just wondering--if you want to truly move on and allow yourself some space to work through your new-found realization and the changed person you have become, is it really going to help to have a pierceing/mark of him ("in his memory") on your body? You will see it when you shower, change clothes,etc. For many people, that can be an painful reminder, esp if they haven't done the work or need time to heal from the event/person/relationship its self.
Posts: 357 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mesopotamia
Neophyte
Member # 48736

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mesopotamia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hmm, maybe I view myself as more healed than I really am, but while the relationship was filled with fights all over the place, I haven't thought about any of those in the past couple days. I think I am really able to now take a step back and realize how much he helped me grow up and become more self-aware -- and that's what I want to commemorate and remind myself of with this piercing. I don't think that the piercing would be painful emotionally. I am sad because I realize how much of an impact he had on me (me not realizing what I had until its gone mantra), but somehow I think this piercing will help me move on, in moving an experience to the past (hence a piercing 'in memory of') and help me not dwell on lingering hope that communication will pick up again. Is that legitimate? =/
Posts: 35 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
breath
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50014

Icon 1 posted      Profile for breath     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Dear Mesopotamia,

Only you have the power to chose what you consider legitimate or not. I nor anyone else here would tell you what is "legitimate" reasoning etc.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with getting a piercing for whatever reason, however it seems to me that you may viewing or using a piercing as a "scapegoat" for other feelings. Maybe do you think that you are looking for some tactile and visible to help you with your feelings?

To me , it is questionable that a piercing can "help" one in moving on, putting an experience in the past, or keep you from dwelling. Ultimately, usually we will have to be the the person/force that does it through facing those feelings we are afraid of, through self-awareness and allowing ourselves time and space. As long as you understand that, I say go for it [Smile]

Posts: 357 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tbelle
Activist
Member # 32076

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tbelle     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Mesopotamia, your situation sounds a lot like what I'm going through right now (see my post 'Constantly Breaking Up').

I, too, have few friends and my boyfriend (now an ex) is the person that I spend most of my time with, and share my innermost thoughts and feelings with. To take that away is a very painful thing indeed.

I'm a bit surprised to hear that he is giving you the silent treatment. It sounds like you are no longer friends anymore.

I guess when two people break up, they can't be friends? I recently broke up with my boyfriend, but we still hang out all the time. Right now, we're not fighting.

Maybe if he does one more thing to anger me, then I will stop latching on to him so much.

[ 08-01-2011, 04:32 AM: Message edited by: tbelle ]

Posts: 107 | From: New England | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
Activist
Member # 72701

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SilverLining     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think I have a different view on the pericing rather than breath is saying. I believe that some people can move on from a situation without feeling really attached to a person in any amount of time, some people take lots of time to get comfortable with the thoughts of their ex's and the good times they have and say "That was a great relationship." and leave it in the past.

I do understand breaths POV and I somewhat support it in most occasions but you seem to know you actually have a separate motive to the peircing rather than having a remembrance of your ex. To me it sounds like you want to get a peircing to mark a point in your life that you gained more maturity or more self awareness as to how he did help you in some ways and the things you've learned I the relationship. Please do correct me if I am wrong though.

One thing I do recommend before you do get the peircing however; just to make sure you truly do want to get it done; is a cooldown period from the break up so you have enough time to yourself to figure out yourself if you really are doing this for him or not. I'm not against the peircing, just against doing it so soon after the relationship has ended. Do you understand my point?

--------------------
SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mesopotamia
Neophyte
Member # 48736

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mesopotamia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think I understand what both of you guys are saying, silverlining and breath. As I can interpret, while I say that I am 'healed' and am at a point where I can really appreciate the relationship as a growing experience, breath is not sure that that is genuine (in other words, talking the talk but not walking the walk). Breath thinks that I am trying to grasp some sort of physical manifestation as a facade of 'moving on'. Silverlining thinks that my motivation is legit in the sense that it's not a cover-up for the real problem. Is that accurate?

In response, I'm not sure. It has only been about a week since this awashed over me, so it is completely reasonable to deduce that I cannot have moved on past the emotional phase so quickly. I'm not exactly sure how to answer that; technically, I have had a few weeks where it settled into my head that he might not contact me again, for good. I think I have recovered rather quickly, but at the same time I doubt my own assessment (just like I doubt the extent of my feelings for him out of my natural callousness). Surprisingly, I feel pretty good today -- another red flag for me that my reasons for missing him might not even be genuine. =(

A main reason why I'm pushing the timeline for this piercing is because I'm a meticulous planner and I know I need to work in a recovery time. I need a time where this piercing would interfere least with my schedule. For one, I move back to school in about a month and I want to leave enough time for the initial soreness to recede before I go back to school. I am quite busy right now with summer classes, but I decided against waiting for classes to end because that leaves less than 2 weeks before moving back. I don't want to flip my lifestyle upside down when the piercing is still relatively fresh, and also moving in involves a lot of lifting -- I worry about all the opportunities to snag or hit the piercing.

tbelle, I am quite bad at relationships. Even now, I cannot define the line between friendship and romantic relationship. I think that exs can definitely be friends, but I would suggest taking space after the breakup, even though it is hard. By spending time away from each other, it is easier to wipe the slate a bit and make sure remnants of the relationships don't cloud what could be a friendship. I actually had another short relationship, that after we broke up, we spent all our time together anyways. Turns out we were just denying that on some level we were still attracted to each other even though we knew that we didn't want to be in a relationship. So take some time away from each other otherwise you might harm the chances of having a valuable friendship if you let leftovers from the relationship bleed through.

Posts: 35 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
Activist
Member # 72701

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SilverLining     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, I believe that it is a legitimate reason, however I do feel that you should take a period of time so you can sort things out. It sounds like your life will become busy very soon and that's a good thing so you won't exactly be too caught up on feelings.

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling well, but the fact that you are feeling well now does not mean that a past memory of something dear that happened to both you and him can't hurt you of make you feel upset again. I just recommend that you take your time until you really do feel your READY for everything. Until your sure that this isn't mixed emotions driving you to do something, do you understand?

As you said; it's only been a week, I'm happy your feeling better but I think a longer period of time is required to be truly "okay" with everything that's happened.

I understand what you mean about concerned about getting hurt with the moving and what not, but do not rush into peircing yourself because if that either. Rather you wait until you have sufficient time to recover and everything.

Happy to hear you are feeling better! [Smile] and btw; yes the joke was cheesy [Razz]

Have a good day Mesopotamia!

--------------------
SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mesopotamia
Neophyte
Member # 48736

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mesopotamia     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey guys, thank you for all your words. Just wanted to let y'all know that I got the piercing done yesterday =)
Posts: 35 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SilverLining
Activist
Member # 72701

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SilverLining     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No problem [Smile] Glad we could help.

--------------------
SilverLining 2012

Posts: 97 | From: Lost along in the Caribbean... | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3