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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My boyfriend thinks I don't love him

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Author Topic: My boyfriend thinks I don't love him
EauDbedroomDancing
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Member # 70608

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I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. He was really upset (not angry, but sad & depressed) because he thinks I don't love him. He's told me he feels this way before and I really have no idea what to do about it. We've been together for about a year and a half now. He's the first guy I've ever been with. I remember the first time he told me he loved me, I was really surprised because we'd only been together for a little over a month. But I was SO happy because I loved him too. When I said "I love you too" I sounded really surprised, but I meant it. And he said "That sounded really insincere."

We both say we love each other all the time. I know he means it when he says it, but he really doesn't believe me when I say it. It's not like every time I say "I love you" he goes "I don't believe you"...but every now and then he tells me he doesn't believe me.

Today over the phone he said he feels like I don't even LIKE him! I don't know what to do! I always kiss him, and tell him that I love him. He means everything to me, and it hurts so much that he doesn't see that. He's been dealing with depression for as long as I've known him, and I know he has really low self-esteem. So I try not to get upset with him about it, but it's really hard to hear so often.

What can I do to make him realize how much I love him? I really don't understand what I'm doing wrong, but I know there must be something, or else he wouldn't feel this way all the time. I'm going to see him tomorrow, and I really want to communicate how I'm feeling about this clearly.

Sorry for the essay haha. I'm just really worried about my relationship right now :-( I love my boyfriend, and I don't want to lose him.

[ 07-29-2011, 02:54 AM: Message edited by: EauDbedroomDancing ]

Posts: 34 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loststone
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Do you know why he thinks you don't love him?

Because I hear you saying that you do love him and show him you love him, and he's not seeing that, and that's not your fault: you are not doing anything wrong, okay? It may be that he expresses love in different ways to you, and so isn't recognising your gestures? Or it could be his low self-esteem?

I think the thing to do is to talk to him about what things DO make him feel loved (and things that make you feel loved).

Posts: 134 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
EauDbedroomDancing
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I show him affection the same way he shows it. By saying "I love you" and spending time with each other and kissing and stuff. We have a very intimate relationship, and it's great most of the time. I asked him what I should do differently, but he really didn't have any ideas. Usually after he says he doesn't believe me he'll apologize and say that I haven't done anything wrong, so I'll think the problem is taken care of...but then this happens again :-/

I'm so confused.

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"My whole life looked like a picture of a sunny day..."

Posts: 34 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loststone
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Well, if he doesn't know what you could do differently, it sounds like this is a problem he has, not you, you know?

I still think the best thing is to have a really honest talk about how you both feel.

Does he believe other people in his life love him? His family? His friends?

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EauDbedroomDancing
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Yeah, today I'm going to his house to talk to him about it. He really doesn't believe anyone loves him. Not even his siblings. He thinks his friends hate him and only pretend to like him. He's really paranoid about people disliking him, so I'm going to try my best to assure him that I love him.

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"My whole life looked like a picture of a sunny day..."

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Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
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That kind of paranoia likely needs a professional to help, I don't think you are doing anything wrong, and I don't think you can change how he's feeling about this. Has he been in therapy at all?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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