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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » boyfriends parents and sex

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Author Topic: boyfriends parents and sex
loveyoumake
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Member # 41194

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3
years now. I'm 21 and he will be 21 in a few
months. We met our first year in college and we've
been sexual together for quite a while now (however
the first time we had vaginal sex was about 10
months ago). Anytime we have ever had vaginal sex
we've used a condom and I have also been on the
birth control pill for almost a year now.

During the summer we have a long distance relationship. It isn't like he live all the way across the universe or anything but we do live 2.5 - 3 hours away from each other. This can put a strain on our relationship at times because we both work during the summer and it is hard to find time in our schedules where we are both free.

This being said, when we do finally get a chance to see each other, it doesn't always go as planned.

For a while now, I have had the feeling that whenever I stay over at his families house with him and his parents that his parents deliberately don't leave the house or do things they would normally do. They stay up until midnight or later, usually 1 or 2 AM, and then go to bed. I can never help but feel that they do this so we aren't sexual while I'm visiting.

To confirm my suspicions, something just happened the other day with my boyfriend and his parents. His parents know that we've had sex (because apparently during the school year while my boyfriend was away at college, his parents saw a condom on the floor in his room - it must have fallen out of his night stand - and then they said they also saw my pack of birth control pills when I was at his house one time). My boyfriend talked to his parents and his father said that nothing will be happening in their house. My boyfriend responded by saying that we never get a chance anyway and his dad was just like "do you think that is by accident??"

But we're 21 years old! We're graduating college soon... I just feel like we are treated like little kids when I'm at his house.

Also his dad said try to not leave things out that would hint to other people what we were up to. The condom they found was still in the wrapper, and un-used. Not to mention, we've never even had sex at his house! Also, I was originally put on my birth control pill because my periods were irregular, it wasn't so we could have sex, but that just ended up happening as we both felt ready and were protected. I don't understand why his parents are being like this. We're using protection and being safe, why are they being so strange now that they found these things? Would they be more happy not finding anything? At least we're being smart about our decisions.

What do you think??

One last thing. I've never left my birth control pill out at his house. I always keep it in my purse. It may have been on top of my clothes once, but that means that one of his parents went over and actually looked at what it was. Why would they be looking through my stuff? I babysit sometimes and the people that I babysit for have Rx bottles around, but you don't see me looking at them or what they are used for!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think it sounds like his parents are socially conservative about sex, and that in their home, they're expressing what they are and aren't comfortable with. And in those situations, I think all any of us can do is respect that.

That doesn't mean we have to agree with someone's stance/values/ideas about this. We don't, you don't, your boyfriend doesn't. It also doesn't mean that your boyfriend -- rather than you, I'd say, at this point -- can't talk with his parents about all of this. Has he? If not, it sounds like this is a conversation he needs to try to have, including making clear that if they do have rules about sex in their home, that's not even something the two of you are doing there, and is a rule you are respecting.

You also, though, just like they get to draw lines around their home, get to draw lines around your stuff and boundaries. For instance, if you're sure the only way they could have seen your BCPs was by looking through your purse, you can find a way to say, as politely as possible, that you're really uncomfortable with someone looking through your purse, and are asking them to respect your things when you are there.

But practically speaking? It sounds like you two also need to try and find somewhere else to see each other during the summer. How is it around staying over at your home?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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