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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » sex?

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Author Topic: sex?
whilemyguitargentlyweeps
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So my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 1.5 years. About a year ago we started talking about sex. We agreed it was something we wanted and would go when we were ready. Our first term was hellish, with too much work (we're both at uni in very difficult/stressful courses), and I was depressed. Needless to say we did not sleep together though our relationship was still very good during that time. We were apart for the winter, and then he came back for the spring term we tried to have sex a few times. We had a lot of trouble. Then we've been in the same place for part of the summer, and we've still not done anything. I talked to him (again, we're stressed and busy all the time), and he said he still wanted everything he'd wanted before. We've spent some very nice time together, so I'm not worried about the rest of our relationship. We also see each other late in the day when we're usually fairly tired, so that might not be helping his sex drive. I thought for a bit that his feelings for me might have changed but he didn't want to tell me, but his behaviour suggests that's not the case.

Anyway, I'm just disappointed that we haven't done anything. I'd like to speak to him later about that. He's perfectly lovely, though, the best boyfriend I've ever had, and I really do love him.

I suppose I'm feeling discouraged because a friend told me last night that if I'm physically dissatisfied, I should break up with him because this relationship isn't working. I don't want to though. I'm so happy otherwise! I just he'd be more forthcoming about sex.

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loststone
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It sounds to me like you two could do with an honest discussion about where you both are with regards to sex. Have you been able to do that?

I totally empathise with feeling busy and stressed and not up for serious discussions; but it's important we make time for them sometimes, you know?

Have you had a look at this article:
Be a Blabbermouth!The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

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whilemyguitargentlyweeps
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Thanks. I'd like to talk to him soon. I just worry that if we don't do something soon, we never will. I think we were ready a few months ago, but maybe he wasn't as ready as he thought he was...
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loststone
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Why do you think if you don't do something soon you never will?

Do you want to talk about how things were a few months ago?

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Loving With Lust
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Well, I think what would really help is a weekend together. Somewhere alone where you can be relaxed and have that discussion and even make it happen then, you know, when you are both stress-free. If that is not possible go out for a day. It is important that you are both in the mood for a talk like that. Fellow member loststone is also right. Think about how things were between you two and if you want share it so we can help you further.

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Δεν γίνεται ζωή χωρίς άνδρες. ~Χάρις Αλεξίου

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whilemyguitargentlyweeps
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I'd like that. We don't have the money and resources necessarily, but we could go away for a day. We've talked about it.

We were very passionate, and I think we still are. But we're both shy. When I brought up sex last summer, we both acknowledged that we wanted it but were nervous about it. We're both virgins. It took us a while to go from talking about doing it to preparing to do it (i.e. getting condoms and lube) to actually trying it.

So a few months ago we tried to have sex several times, and we just had problems, mostly on his end. We talked about it and both really wanted it, but I think we were both nervous and more so because we just weren't doing it right. Even though we saw each other nearly every day, we didn't have a lot of time during the week and sometimes on weekends we weren't up to it.

Then exams came and we were too stressed out to do anything. When we saw each other, we just wanted to lie around and cuddle because we'd gone mad from how much work we had. After exams were holidays and we were apart for a few weeks before we came back to do work at our university.

I think it could happen soon but we are anticipating a very busy autumn term and I'm not sure how much time he'll have for me at all. (Most of my friends are in his course, and I work several jobs in addition to my classes, so I am used to the both of us being busy.) I don't mind waiting but at the same time, I really want it.

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Heather
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Have you two yet had a very open, honest and probably a long talk about how he is actually feeling about having sex, and what he feels he wants and needs?

He -- like you wouldn't, yourself -- certainly doesn't have to justify not wanting something sexual to you or anyone, but I think it would be a lot easier for you to evaluate this as a relationship you want to be sexual -- and know if that's really an option anytime soon -- if you had a clearer picture of what was up with him around this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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whilemyguitargentlyweeps
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Well, we talked about it. Our relationship has had some bumps this summer, mostly in that we've been tired and stressed and full of pent-up energy at all the wrong moments. We agreed we needed to change some of the things we did together (less sitting around and more fun things like watching movies or taking walks) to get more life into the relationship. And then we would probably be ready for sex again.
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Heather
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Okay. So, if he feels the issue is about needing to do more things together, have you begun working on that? Is that something you think is doable for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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whilemyguitargentlyweeps
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Yes, we talked about new things to do together. I think we'll have a go at a few of them in the next day or two. I'm perfectly fine with it so long as he puts in effort, too. And he seems to be doing that so far. He wants us to enjoy our time together and wants to do what he can to ensure that we do.

I don't mind putting in time to work on things. This relationship––and my boyfriend––is important enough to me that I will do what I can to help it. But it's still scary to realize that not everything about a relationship is brilliant, and, as someone once told me, "love is hard work."

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whilemyguitargentlyweeps
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Update from a few days later: things have been better between the two of us. He's been much more physical than he's been lately, I think in part because we've taken time to enjoy each other's company, and one thing leads to the other.

But here's the catch––we still haven't done anything tremendously sexual. I'm not satisfied. I understand that it can take a while to work one's way back up to the level of sexual comfort we once had. Perhaps especially if he has performance anxiety. I'm afraid of pressuring him because everyone is ready at different times and wants different things.

I should also say that I was in an abusive relationship for nearly two years. I met my current boyfriend a few weeks after the abusive relationship ended although we did not express interest in one another for several months.

That particular relationship left me feeling uneasy about asking for things, especially physically, simply because my ex boyfriend was very negligent. He did not care much for my feelings or desires and came across as well-intentioned but extremely manipulative. Although I've moved on from that relationship, come to enjoy physical contact, and understood what it really means to be love, much of my insecurity remains. It also does not help that my current boyfriend is shy and insecure himself, despite the affection we feel for one another.

Essentially, I want more, and I know I can have more, but I'm having trouble knowing how to initiate things especially since my boyfriend is skittish and I don't want to be the manipulative, pressuring girlfriend due to my level of desire.

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loststone
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It's great that you two have made time to spend together! [Smile]

I don't think things not becoming sexual is something to worry about; it's only been a few days and if the idea is to spend time together so you'll be ready for sex again, then that could take some time, you know?

I'm sorry to hear about your abusive relationship *hugs* if okay.

It's great to hear that you want to make sure you don't put your boyfriend under any pressure, and it sounds like you aren't going to. Expressing what you want isn't pressure, so long as you respect how your boyfriend feels about those things. Does your boyfriend know about your concerns from your past relationship?

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Heather
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Too, do you feel like you can handle giving this a few months -- this new pattern of doing things together -- before you potentially see any changes?

There's not a right or wrong answer to that, there's just whatever your answer is, and then, figuring out if this is going to be a relationship that works for you or not. After all, if you really want a relationship to be a sexual one but someone else doesn't (if that turns out to be the case) you can't change what they want, just like you can't change what you want.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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whilemyguitargentlyweeps
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I can wait, so long as he communicates to me how he's feeling. It will take a while, and I understand that. I now realize that my sex drive is much stronger than I'd thought, so maybe that will be a problem for us. But maybe not.
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