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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Anger/Frustration

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Author Topic: Anger/Frustration
breath
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I cried today a lot.

I have had to spend a few months in my mother's apt while I am getting my life together.

Since I was very young (i.e 6 years old), I have always had a "rocky" past with them: mother and young brother, the only people in my immediate family.

i have always felt angry and frustrated and undoubtly hurt by Mother's passivity since childhood. I have been told since i was so young and even now when I discuss this with close freinds or anyone, about how Mother "means well" and "has worked so hard as a single immigrant mom with a very different background". But this doesn't take care of ME or acknowledge that I felt and continue to felt deeply frustrated and hurt by HER.

It doesn't validate my deep anger for them, only rather attempts to make me feel "bad " "guilty " about the behavior. I


As the brother has gotten older and in college-aged, he has developed (or rather reinforced) his lack of boundaries, where he tries to tell Mother how she should treat me (I'm the eldest btw) and what she should do. He also tries to speak to me what he thinks the 51-yr old mother (in his mind) needs to say. I have told him to mind his businesses and pointed to him why its not healthy boundary, but to no avail.


I feel that maybe, my anger and frustration are just healthy responses to THEIR behaviour and is like a boundary for me? Of course, now I can learn to have better boundaries, not ask or rely on them to behave a certain way , etc. But I need to tell myself that it is OK and fine to feel that way, too.

I realize that the anger/frustration/ etc that I have felt towards them is just a way for me to manifest or built a boundary. These people hurt me in childhood , now and will likely continue this pattern all through out life.

[Frown]

[ 07-11-2011, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Heather
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

You say:
quote:
now I can learn to have better boundaries, not ask or rely on them to behave a certain way
However, part of boundaries IS asking people to behave a certain way. For instance, it's about setting boundaries to say, should you do so, to your brother "Please don't try and dictate what kind of relationship my mother and I have. That is our relationship, not yours, and I am asking you to respect that."

See what I mean?

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breath
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I have said that by "this is not your business. You can't control and speak for Mom. If she has an issue she will say it to me. Stay out of it" but no outcome.


But maybe I need to repeat something similar to what you said, in* calm tone* over and over again. But it may never really change his attitude.

Maybe with "family", such issues with Mother nd Sibling will probably be prevalent for the rest of my life in some shape or form (unless we all conscious change it but that's not going to happen likely), yeah?

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Heather
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So, in other words, you are setting boundaries, but he is not respecting them?

I don't think that a given family dynamic, because it exists or has for a while, is unchangeable. Some dynamics may never change, that's true, but it's not like having your boundaries disrespected is something that must happen in families, or something that, when it is, people cannot change.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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breath
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Yes, I have told him when I hear him lecturing Mother on how she should behave with me, and Mother (due to lack of any kind of self-awarness, confidence, decision making) just absorbs it. I have tried to tell him to stay out of it, it's between me and her, she's 50 years old, she is an adult etc, but usually it just erupts into a physical violent situation and just verbal abuse and other !#$@## like that.

Sure this may be changable with a lot of therapy and willingness but I am 23, Brother is 21.5 and Mother is 51. Sure it's changeable with therapy, introspection etc, but realistically speaking, I don't have time for that or any resources and etc[nor do they have time, resources, or geninue desire] It's been that way too too long . Mother will not change as this is who she is all her life.

I use to feel guilty about it, like it's MY fault somehow, I'm not a "good" person etc but it's not. I realize that these people are unhealthy and hwo they do things is unhealthy and they just try to fill their own self-problems with this kind of behavior. I also realize that it's important for me know for my own well being that nothing that I can do will "Fix" them. They will be who they will be.

I just have to accept that that's how they are, and take good care of myself and get through this rough patch of being in close proximity of them.

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breath
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I just had another violent/anger episode with "the people I was born into 23 years ago" where we were both hitting each other with things, objects,etc.


*deep breaths* i have been in close proximity with them (ie. sharing the same housing) for 8 weeks and this is the the 3rd or 4th time.

I just need some support around my decision/acceptance to 1) remove myself from these people which trigger this angry/frustration in me as that's a pretty good starting point. deep breaths.

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eryn_smiles
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Sounds like a really tough situation, sorry you're going through this! Are you safe at the moment? I think it's a very good decision to be removing yourself from this space, at least in the short term. How long are you staying with them? Who else do you have to support you?

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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breath
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I realize that the violence cycle is always there. I mean, the last I was with them for 2-3 months, the same thing happened again 2-3X or 4 times.

It happened again this time as I am there for 6-8 weeks.

1) there are some serious safety concerns here.
2) its' abuse right? i mean no one deserves to be hit on by hand/feet or by objects, no matter what they say or do. no one deserves to be yelled at or called names , etc?

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