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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » my dad

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Author Topic: my dad
smalltowngirl
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Member # 46811

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So me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship. As a child, he denied me as his and never really showed me much attention. I have always been the complete opposite of him,so we don't really have much in common. He never really tries or tried to spend time with me. When there was hope of a relationship, he was never consistent. We would start alright and it would just end abruptly. I just never felt he loved me and I think it contributes to my relationships with guys. He only says he loves me and I am beautiful when it is of convenience to him. My grandpa,his father, never really spent time with me when I was a child, and now he just loves me and brags on me so much.

I'm assuming since I'm an honor student and they want some type of recognition since it's my senior year, but every time it is let known my dad doesn't do anything for me, he's angry and wants to make it seem like my mom has to do everything for me. They allow him to get away with everything. They make my mom out to be a villain. She's, along with God and my grandma, helped me get where I am today. He used to physically, mentally, and verbally abuse her, which I witnessed. She finally left him and stood up to him but I've kind of always felt there was something I could've done even though I was only 9. She always says there was nothing I could've done, and she had to do it on her own. She has inspired me to never let a man hurt me like my dad did her and be strong.

So to get to the point I want to stand up to him and tell him how he has hurt me and how I feel unloved but I don't know how to do this. should I do it face to face or on the phone. I just I want closure. If I can do this, I can be more open to my boyfriend and make how I feel known instead of seeming emotionless. So if you can give me some advice it would help.

Posts: 28 | From: mississippi | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I can absolutely understand how you feel that getting some closure here and saying what you need to say could help you out a lot.

How do you feel like it would be best and most comfortable for you to do this? As well, do you have some people to emotionally support you in this, before, during and after?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smalltowngirl
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Well, I would rather do it face to face with my mom there because I know she wouldn't let him hurt me or anything, but I would just be scared it would escalate since they don't get along much. So maybe do it like in a public place. I'm just scared I will have everything I plan to say ready and end up just not going thru with it. Then, I would still have to carry those feelings around.
Posts: 28 | From: mississippi | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Have you talked to your Mom about that to see how she feels, and to see what, if any, ideas she had about helping it NOT to escalate if she did this with you?

For sure, with confrontations like this in-person, I agree that a public place is your best bet.

You know, I don't think you have to worry about figuring out what you want to say, not saying it, and then being stuck with these feelings. Doing something like this with someone in this way can certainly be a good way to get resolution. But it's also not the only way, so even if you wind up deciding you don't want to do this or aren't ready, that doesn't have to mean you have to go without any resolution. For instance, people figure out how to get to resolution with feelings about someone even after they have died, and when they didn't get the chance to do something like this. So, it's still doable: you have choices, and if you wind up deciding not doing it in person, now or ever, feels best, you don't have to drag around these feelings behind you all the time.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smalltowngirl
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I talked to my mom and she said she supports whatever I decide. She says this isn't about their relationship, but it's about me standing up for myself. She said she would just be there but she wouldn't put her input. She would just allow me to make my own decisions since I'm older now. My grandma thinks it would be better to talk on the phone, but I have the courage to do it in person. I want to SHOW him how he's hurt me and how I won't allow him to get away with it anymore.
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Heather
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Your Mom sounds like a pretty awesome person. [Smile]

It also sounds like she'll be a great support for you in this, and has it all right when it comes to how she can be there for you, but make sure this stays about you.

It sounds very clear that you want to do this in person, that that's important to you, and what you think you'd feel best about. It also sounds like you've got what you need to do that safely and soundly, so if that's how you want to do this, I don't see any reason why you can't do it that way.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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smalltowngirl
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thank you for everything!
Posts: 28 | From: mississippi | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Of course! Best of luck to you. Personally, I've confronted an abusive (step)parent before, but wound up doing it with no planning or even knowing in advance I would, and I know how scary it can be, but also how potentially freeing.

I'm so glad you have one parent who is clearly so wonderful, loving and supportive to stand by you in this. That's so great. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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