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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Worried about college

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Author Topic: Worried about college
Zooey
Neophyte
Member # 70707

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My boyfriend is 18 years old, two years older than I am, and is going to college an hour and a half away next year. He's my best friend, extremely mature for his age, and has a great history of actually working for his relationships (he dated his last girlfriend for two years until she left for college and dumped him). He's really determined to stay together and has been telling me over and over that we'll get married and have children and that we'll make it. I've heard so many horror stories of things that happen to couples who try to stay together through college, I'm wondering if it's even worth trying. I'm so afraid, I just don't know what to do :/
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Djuna
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Hi Zooey! While some people in relationships do manage to stay together when they're separated geographically, and relationships like that can be very fulfilling, it's also true both that distance can be extremely difficult to deal with and that few relationships we have when we're young (well, actually, few relationships we have ever) are likely to be permanent.

By all means, we have some snazzy articles I can link you about long-distance relationships, but what I'm hearing is that this seems from what you've written to be something your boyfriend wants (as well as marriage and children), and I'm hearing anxiety on your part that maybe that's not something you're sure you want. Do I have that right?

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Zooey
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Member # 70707

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I want it as much as he does. It might seem like I don't, but that's more me trying to be realistic. I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I let him go. He's the more amazing person I've met, but realistically, odds aren't in our favor.

I feel as though we could make it, because our relationship is not the stereotypical teen one. We are both much more mature than the average 16 and 18 year old, and it shows in our relationship.

Still, everything says it's going to fail, and it really is distressing. I'm worried it will, and it's hard not to question when everything is pointing to the same end.

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loststone
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So, I'm hearing that you want to stay together, even when this becomes a long distance relationship; but you're worried that you won't stay together if you attempt to do that?

Can I ask what you're worried about?

Also, you say you're worried your relationship will fail; but I don't think it's really sound to think of a relationship ending as a failure. Your relationship will have been what it is no matter what; and that relationship must be pretty successful. If it ends in the future that won't change, you know?

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Djuna
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I think that feeling - like if the relationship ended, you'd never get over it - is unrealistic. I do understand feeling that way, and a lot of people do feel that way, but it just doesn't fit with the experience of most people I'm aware of after moving on from a relationship.

Too, I want to echo what loststone said. A relationship ending doesn't mean it failed - success is a process, really, so while a relationship is happy, it's successful, and looking back on relationships that were happy, those remain successful relationships.

I do think that a relationship being more mature than you think is typical of 16-18 year olds isn't necessarily a good thing - I think there seems to be a big idea that to be older is to be better, and often, it's better to form relationships and behaviors that seem right for us at the time.

LDRs are very doable, although I'm still not hearing that you're in love with the idea: why don't you give these articles a read and see how you feel about being able to work a relationship over distance like this, and whether that would be worth doing?
Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Zooey
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Member # 70707

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My boyfriend, Zack, and I are planning long term. We both see ourselves marrying each other and starting a family, so on and so forth. He's my best friend as well as my boyfriend. We already have a plan as far as trying to make it work. I am just very afraid, though. Afraid that he might meet someone else, who he has more in common with, or someone closer, or that we will grow apart. It's very foolish, I know. He's dedicated to making it work, and I am as well. We do have a plan for the next two years, but it's still just very nerve-racking. I really, really care about him, and I want to make it work. Zack is the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, and I am afraid I won't be able to handle being away from him.
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Kachina
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Member # 42505

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An hour an a half away isn't really that far away... Will your boyfriend have a car? I've dated quite a few guys who lived that far away and I never considered it a long-distance relationship myself... although if you are young and have no car I can see why it might feel that way. I think once you adjust you won't be so nervous about things =)

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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heyeverbody
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Hi! My boyfriend and I have made it through his first two years of college so far. He had to take a 5 hour bus to see me the first year, and it cost like $50, but he came about twice a month. The next year he switched colleges to be closer to me and it was only about an hour away. That was MUCH easier and I saw him almost every weekend. So it is possible. [Smile] I was as scared as you are. Keep in mind, he's probably just as worried that you'll find somebody else as you are. I'm sure that you've both reassured each other of this a million times, but it's going to be okay. Also, worst case scenario, if it doesn't work out that might end up being a good thing. It's hard to know who the best guy is if you haven't dated that many people. As for handling being away from him, it's not easy. My advice is stay busy. Good luck!! And whatever happens is going to happen, so there is no sense worrying about it. Enjoy your summer!
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