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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Saying 'I love you' makes me ashamed

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Author Topic: Saying 'I love you' makes me ashamed
luanne
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I didn't notice I wasn't good at saying it until my first boyfriend. I've loved him for a long time and I wanted him to know, but I couldn't say it. It seemed unfair to feel it and never say it to him- I mean, if something happened to either one of us, he never would have known. [Frown] So I told him how I felt. Even though I was happy to let him know, I felt overexposed and foolish afterward.

Then I thought about that, and I don't say 'I love you' to anyone. When I finish a phone conversation with Mom, I always leave off the 'I love you' that she tries to exchange with me. When my brother leaves for another country, I go, 'See ya.' I always felt like there's a big gaping hole in the conversation where my 'I love you' should be.

Will people be just as happy when I show them I love them instead of telling them? Isn't that more meaningful?

Does anyone here have the same problem, or know why it's so embarrassing?

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♥♥♥

Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Luanne: am I remembering correctly that you had a very tough time growing up with your family? That you didn't feel loved and included by your family?

For sure, I think that how people show love and care is just as important -- sometimes even more so -- as them saying something like "I love you." But if and when we do feel something, be it love or sadness or anger, whatever, and voicing it feels very scary or impossible or pained (especially when it's a positive feeling we're experiencing), I think it's always a good idea to try and start figuring that out.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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luanne
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You are remembering correctly. I wasn't expecting that [Smile] When you say 'figuring that out,' what is it you mean?

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♥♥♥

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Heather
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I mean trying to identify why it is that voicing those feelings feel so scary and uncomfortable for you.

For sure, when what we feel is something scary, it can feel scary to voice it. And love can absolutely feel scary: it's hardly a minor feeling. But it often feels a lot more scary when we are feeling fearful about it, and/or when our fears feel bigger than the good stuff, if you catch my drift.

So, for example, if the way we grew up made love super-loaded for us in some big way, like say, feeling like it was something that when we felt and expressed, it wasn't returned, it'd be no wonder that feeling and/or voicing it might feel pretty terrifying. Or, if we told someone we loved them who used knowledge of our love to do us harm in some way, etc.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Loving With Lust
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I feel quite the same way.
I myself don't feel comfortable telling anyone "I love you". Even when I do love them to death. However, I don't feel like there is something wrong. I do show my love, I just never say it with words. I believe showing your love it is indeed more meaningful. Words can easily be forgotten, not the same with actions. That's my opinion. I'd love to read other opinions on this.

Wish you the best,
Loving With Lust

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Δεν γίνεται ζωή χωρίς άνδρες. ~Χάρις Αλεξίου

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flippo
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I have this problem too but I have no idea why. The reasons that Heather gave don't apply to me at all. In my family, I have never felt unloved or excluded. It's not that I'm scared to say "I love you" because I think it won't be returned, in fact my parents are always saying it to me. But for some reason, it's just really uncomfortable for me to say it back, even though of course I love them.
Posts: 31 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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