Is it ok if I just talk on here a little bit? My dad died 5 years ago and I still really miss him. Sometimes I miss him so much I can't breathe and just curl up and cry for hours. But shouldn't the worst of this be over? I have little things that make me think of him, like when someone mentions their dad, or warm hands, or tickling, or steak, or ruby, or hedges, or lavender, some days it's like I can't NOT be reminded of him.
I today the trigger was simply these people on bus talking about how a guy that I don't knows dad had died, and that he's taking six weeks off to go to back with the rest if his family. I wasn't even listening to them, I had my headphones in, but I still heard all of them saying "I don't know what I would do if I woke up and my dad had died" and I just remembered when I heard my dad was dead.
I actually heard the phonecall from the hospital the night before, he had a brain aneurism bur was getting better, but I didn't know what the call was at the time. I was staying up when I was supposed to be asleep so I heard mum just say "hello... Yes... Oh... Ok... Thankyou" and that's it. The next morning I crawled in to bed with her as I did most mornings, and she told my brother and I. Mum and dad spilt up when I was a baby (I actually never think of them as together) and he lived in another state. Mum was crying when she told us so I felt as if I couldn't cry, I had to be strong for her, but later I went down the street and cryed for ages. I wasn't very old, I was 9 or 10.
I'm sorry it's a stupid long post but I just sorta need to talk a but I guess. Sorry again.
Posts: 18 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2010
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I was touched by your post because you describe so well what I imagine true, painful grief to be like. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like it has been quite difficult for some time, and that anything that reminds you of him brings an overflow of sadness.
I don't have any direct experience dealing with this level of grief. About a month ago the doctors believed my mom had ovarian cancer and she had to go through surgery to remove the mass. Hearing that news forced me to think about much I would miss her if something bad happened. It's crazy how quickly life can be turned upside down.
People will say that the grieving process should only take X amount of time for the worst to be over, but everybody is different and even the smallest things can bring it all back.
It's definitely not stupid to talk about this, either here online, or with somebody in person. Do you feel comfortable talking about your missing him with anybody you're close to? Do you think talking with a counselor would make things more manageable? Have you found anything to be particularly helpful in the past? I think some people find it therapeutic to write down their feelings, or maybe a special memory, to get it "out" of your brain for a while. Perhaps doing something physical, like running, could temporarily lift the overwhelming feelings.
Some say one can find meaning in sadness. In any case, the fact that you are still sad is evidence that you are a caring person, and even though it's painful, you are honoring the person your dad was.
I guess there's no solid "advice" to give in this situation, but feel free to talk about anything here as long as you want, for as long as it helps.
Posts: 44 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2009
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People would always tell me, "It'll get better. I promise." But I would always think how in the world could it be better. However, I think I found a way for it to actually feel "better". I never got closure and I notcied that. My parents just told me my grandfather died. I was very close to him (today is actually his birthday) and so I just kind of had to believe it. Then, I realized that they got to see him at the funeral they got to talk with him and say goodbye. So, instead, I found a way to say my own goodbyes and get my own closure. Maybe you could do the same?
It never gets "better" you just are more accepting and understanding of death. I still have my moments and I know my best friend who lost her mother still has her moments. But, honestly, it really does help to think of them as a gift and that you were so lucky to have had the time you did with him because nobody else got to have that relationship with him like you did.
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