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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » caught between a good friend or a past sexual fling...

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Author Topic: caught between a good friend or a past sexual fling...
turtle_lady
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Member # 64098

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I am a little troubled and in need of some input for something going on right now.

My fiance has had this girl friend for about 7 or 8 years and she had really helped him out when he was in a place of mere suicide and complete collapse. She has been a real great friend to him and she is a really nice girl and I get along with her very well.

However, this is my problem. After selecting her for one of the bridesmaids in our wedding party, I had found out recently that they had a sexual encounter several years ago where he had 'fingered' her (in their mid teens). I knew they had dated for a couple months way back before I knew him. He greatly regretted that moment almost immediately after it happened and it never happened again. They remain friends still because she had been a help to him when he needed it most (she supported him years after their sexual encounter). She liked him more than he liked her at the time and so he broke it off. Even though they talk occasionally now, she still calls him her 'best friend.' I still think she may have a 'thing' for him, even though she is now engaged herself and is very happy. Just that 'thing' that never goes away, you know? I mean, I don't know if that's the case with her but she's close to both of us.

I just feel awkward having her in my bridal party now even though this was years and years ago - before we met each other. We both love each other very much and things are fantastic with us right now. The other sexual partners my fiance had he is no longer in contact with, but he is still close enough to this girl. Yes I do feel awkward...but am I over reacting or should I just shrug it off because it was years ago? Just a little stuck and wondering what I should do. Thanks.

[ 06-03-2011, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: turtle_lady ]

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~Kayla Christine~

Posts: 51 | From: Ontario | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm not sure what you mean by that "thing" that never goes away. It's not like because someone had sexual feelings for someone once, they live forever. More often, those feelings aren't everlasting, even when they're shared.

If you mean they have sexual chemistry, that too can be fleeting, and not always stick around. But even when it does, having sexual feelings for someone doesn't automatically mean we or someone else will or will want to put those feelings into action.

Your partner and this woman appear to be very close friends. It sounds like you also like her a lot yourself, and it's also clear she's got her own romantic relationship now she's serious about. I'd not assume that she has any continued sexual interest in your partner just because she had it once (or just because you think he's the hottest tamale on the planet yourself).

You get to choose with your partner who is and isn't part of your wedding. I assume you both decided together to have her be part of it? Did you talk about any of this when making that choice?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
turtle_lady
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My fiance told me only a couple weeks ago about this incident and we had picked our wedding party months ago.

When I mean "thing", I kind of mean like some kind of tension when you still may have feeling for someone because there's a strong history in there. I know that if I am around certain males I have met in the past, it's almost like certain feelings well up and so I do my best to stay away from those guys. It's like an emotional history or past.

Of course this is just speculation and I am not worried that she or he will act emotionally or sexually towards one another at all. He loves me dearly and she is a fantastic girl.

The only thing is that I just feel kind of weird about it...and sometimes I just think too much hehe. I'm thinking I'm just overreacting and that I'll just let this one slide...it is completely in the past and it never worked out between them for a reason anyways. There's no reason to get my panties in a bunch about this [Smile]

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~Kayla Christine~

Posts: 51 | From: Ontario | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Here's what I'd say: I assume if you're choosing to marry this person, you trust him immensely, right?

If so, that's going to involve trusting him to manage his own feelings -- for whomever, whenever -- and honor his agreements with you. Maybe this is a good situation to really start doing that with?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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