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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » why do i like bad girls?

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Author Topic: why do i like bad girls?
Evan
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okay so theres bad girls, that is-girls who are nice, but do bad stuff like breaking the law and getting high, slutting around etc. i love girls like that, always have. however this particular bad girl is just a bitch. shes horrible to me, yet i like her. granted shes hot, and in drama class we have sme prety steay sex scenes together but still, why would i like a girl who for no reason has decided to dislike me nd be horrible to me? i guess shes nice sometimes, rarely but sometimes, and when she is its more special. also, more recently ive started sanding up to her, im quite witty so whenever she insults me im comeback with somethng and humiliate her in front of her friends. since then shes become more agreeable to me. finally she has a boyfriend and talks about the sex a lot, maybe to piss me off i dunno. i like a girl who has sex, so that turns me on about her and im jealous of her boyfriend. shes having relationship troubles (why did she tell me that?) but im still jealous of the guy, having sex with her wheneer he pleases.
long story short, i hate this girl so why do i want nothing more than to **** her

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Captain Girl
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Because your hormones aren't on board with your brain. Happens all the time. Don't read too much into it.

FWIW, were you to put me down, insult me, and humiliate me in front of my friends, I would walk carefully around you (which might look like "being nice"), but I'd never speak a word to you that I didn't have to. If you tried to touch me after all that, I'd break you.

As to why she tells you about the relationship troubles - Drama class steamy scenes can create some illusory intimacy that creeps over into real life (however ill-advised it may be to act on it). Again, don't read too much into it.

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Evan
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i only insult her because she insulted me first, i hope you dont think im an arsehole whos being picking on her or anything
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Heather
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Just FYI, I want to make sure in a talk like this we're cautious about some of the language being used. For instance, I can't know what you mean by "slutting around" as "bad stuff," but if it means someone has more sexual partners than you think they should and that = bad stuff, that's kind of an issue. Know what I mean?

But with what you're asking about, I think what you might want to do is this: instead of trying to analyze why you're feeling how you are and engaging with this person in ways that don't sound healthy or happy for either of you, what do you really want? And to find and create the kinds of relationships and interactions with people you'd really want, does engaging in this kind of dynamic seem likely to support that?

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Evan
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when i say slutting around i mean having many sexual partners and being open to many things, and wanting sex straight away in a relationship. i dont see that as a bad thing at all, but its not the sort of thing a 'good girl' would do
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Heather
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I think dividing women into good and bad girls is incredibly problematic -- both for women who are not so simplistic as that, but also for you and everyone else -- and can also tend to be pretty sexist. I'm also really not okay with those kinds of dichotomies here because they tend to make people feel crappy and trapped, not dynamics we find make everyone here in the community feel comfortable being themselves.

It becomes all the more problematic, btw, when dividing people -- or just women, which is what it sounds like you're doing -- is based on your ideas of someone else's sexual behavior through your own lens. What you see as "many" sexual partners could be someone else's few. Sex "soon" is a relationship for one person may be on date one, for others within the first six months. Sexual behavior among people is incredibly diverse, and that's always important to bear in mind. And it's also diverse among groups people sometimes think it's not for. Some of the women you may file as "bad girls" may be more sexually conservative than you think, while some you consider "good girls" may not be as you see them. As well, how open people are to sexual activities is a complex issue, and one that's often situational, not just based on one given person. Lastly, it's incredibly common for people to position others as sluts when what's really going on is that they're just pissed that they seem to be having more sexual success than they do, success they'd like to have themselves.

If we're ever affixing any double standards based on gender or anything else, it's wise to take stock and try and quit it: for instance, do you view guys who have had a certain number of sexual partners the same way as you view women? If not, that's a double standard. Double standards certainly can hurt the people you place them on, but it can also socially isolate the person putting them out there, too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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im sorry if ive caused any offence in the wording of this thread. no, i dont like double standards so im certainly not like that. when i say bad, i mean that in the city i live in, the majority of people would class their behaviour as bad, even though i think its good.
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Heather
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So, how about you make a good start and ditch all of that language and those values -- recognizing that what others think AND what you think of someone else's sexual choices are equally irrelevant when they're about who that person is? It's one thing to talk about what is and isn't okay with you or healthy for you about how someone else is treating you, like verbally insulating you. Good/bad is a tricky framework, but you can certainly talk about what's emotionally healthy for you and isn't, and what kind of behavior towards you is and isn't what you want or will tolerate.

But whoever else someone is having sex with or has when they haven't been in any relationship to you at the time has nothing to do with you and isn't about you in the slightest. It's about them and whoever those other people are. So, thinking that good or bad or whatever is a projection from you onto that person that's about you, not them, but can impact them.

In other words, other people think X person having X number of partners is bad. You think it's good. You all have your own reasons for thinking so which are primarily not about that person, but about yourselves, what you want, what you like, what you believe to be true.

But ultimately, what matters is what THAT person thinks of their own choices, not what you or others do. We can support people in that by giving them the respect of not affixing our own values or anyone else's on them externally. [Smile]

[ 05-15-2011, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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the whole point of this was not about me judging anyone, it was that i would prefer a girl to have had a few sexual partners and to want to have sex within the first few weeks of a relationship, and i was wondering why i felt this way when most people seem to think that that is bad, and attatch that label to it.
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Heather
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You opened this post by talking about how you hated this particular girl, but found you had sexual feelings for her. So, I'm perplexed by what you're saying this post is about now, as that sounds awfully different than what you began saying.

But why do people affix the idea that given behavior is good or bad? Because we all have our own values. I'd be careful assuming "most" people think anything, since even when it seems like there is consensus on things like this, there very rarely is. But like I said, I'd also suggest trying to let go of what you or others think of someone else's sexual choices anyway, especially if affixing values like good or bad onto them.

If you feel you'd prefer to have partners who have sex earlier in relationships and have had sexual partners before, then that's what you'd prefer. That's not good or bad, it just is what it is. Some folks feel the same way. others feel differently. That's mostly just because we're all different people with different preferences and ideas.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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i was using that girl as an example, perhaps an extreme example. the point was, i couldnt understand why i would be attracted to a girl i hated and i realised it was because she has certain quailties i have been conditioned into thinking are not what is acceptable, such as treating sex casually and smoking weed. i have nothing against these things but growing up believing they are wrong, or at least not something i should want in a potential partner i found it very trange i suddenly find something attractive when most people wold not
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Heather
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The thing is, you are also describing the two of you humiliating one another intentionally: this does not reflect people liking each other, not a healthy interpersonal dynamic.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Evan
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that goes without saying. i would think it was quite clear i dont like this girl, and im pretty sure she doesnt like me. which makes it all the more strange that i am s attracted to her
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Heather
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...except for the part where it doesn't. Going back to some of what CaptainGirl said, sometimes we are attracted to people we don't like, either because of how they look, because we have chemistry, and sometimes even because we might like or feel attracted to unhealthy dynamics or acrimony.

It stands to mention that we're not always going to choose to pursue everyone we feel attracted to, for a bunch of different reasons. One of those can be that while we feel an attraction, we know that we don't like a person (or they us) or that we aren't going to have healthy interactions with them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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