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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » There are still feelings

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Author Topic: There are still feelings
Member # 50143

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Me and my boyfriend broke up in October. He had been flirting with other girls, and ignorning me.
We had still been hooking up for months after and I was openly telling him I loved him still. He said he needed to focus on school and work. I began to become very hurt that he never seemed to want to hang out after we broke up and every time we did we ended up having sex and I would end up telling him I loved him. After I left the country for 2 weeks and came back he had sent me hundreds of emails saying "please come home I miss you" And it gave me hope. So I came home (my trip was over anyway, i went to Egypt and had to leave because of the rioting) And he was flip flopping on whether or not he wanted to see me. He didn't seem interested in what I had to say about my trip, only what had been going on with him, and he started evading all the places he promised to take me when I got home.

. I got too drunk at a party we went to together and ended up talking to some girl who stated he was using me, as he was driving me home I started to cry after he began evading my questions. My friend was mad at him for the way he was acting towards me at the show, like a jerk. He kept saying they shouldn't have let me in because I underpaid by a dollar, even though I helped put the show together. So she kept buying me drinks so I wouldn't cry. He hadn't been exactly treating me right for awhile, but I was drunk, and said "I love you but you're killing me with this." Because I was so afraid he would find someone else. I knew he was using me for sex but I just loved him too much to realize that. After that night he sent me a long text message stating he couldn't talk to me again, he didn't love me , and he was sorry for using me, and he thought that I deserved better. Instead of begging him to stay with me, I grew up. I began focusing on other things and the whole time trying to push him out of my head (Which is hard because he lives down the block) And all my friends kept telling me what a jerk he was, but I couldn't listen to it. They didn't understand how much in love we were when we started, I didn't want to hate him. Every day was hard because I missed laying on his sofa and watching cartoons, and staying up late all night telling stories. He wasn't just my boyfriend, he was the best friend I ever had.
Recently he had texted me (A month later to the day) that he needed one of his DVD backs. I flipped out because I said "You can't just keep asking me for stuff without asking how I am" I guess I was angry because I had spent a lot of money on him for Christmas,and he didn't get me anything. I apologized a lot right after. I work 2 jobs to pay rent and live with some crummy roommate, and go to school full time, so I was pretty stressed. We met up on the corner we had our first kiss and he handed me a birthday card. We got to talking. He seemed just as hurt as I was, and I didn't know that. He told me every night he still dreams about me and he cries every time he plays the song he wrote for me, and he would give anything to take back the hurt he did. He said he had let being so popular go to his head and he didn't treat me fairly.I told him I forgave him because I would rather know that in the end we ended it as friends. But then he hugged me goodnight and didn't let go. He was crying and saying "This feels like its right" and he said how his best gal pal had said he "had it all and go find her again". I know he is sorry. I just don't know what he wants now. He's flunking everything, even though before we broke up he was a straight A student. I'm worried about him. He isn't the same. He looked tired and drained of everything. He didn't look like he was full of life and smiles anymore.
There used to be this lightbox under the bench at the bus stop where we met, attached to the flag pole. I had once written our names in a big heart and when we walked past it, he became so upset when he saw somebody had painted over it.

Turns out he has been driving by my house for weeks to see if he can see me (I don't live there anymore really) and he had really wanted to give me that card but was afraid I hated him.

When he got in his car to drive off I stated "I probably wont ever see you again, will I?"
and he said something like "Don't say that" But I had gotten used to his empty promises. I had gotten him tickets to see Jesus Christ Superstar before we stopped talking, and we had agreed to see it together no matter what. He forgot and has made other plans.

That night I went out to the lightbox by his house and wrote "Don't worry scarecrow(my nik name for him) maybe we can be friends again"
I also wrote this poem down and i'm not sure if I should mail it to him

My heart may be broken
from words we left unspoken
But given the chance
even I could
I wouldn't take it away
I hope maybe you and I
Could be friends one day?
Should the seasons change us
should we move far, far away
from one another
Lets not forget summer (0f 2009)
I was his and he was mine
Poems aren't east
and this one is cheesy
But I think that the point i'm trying to say
is "Captain lad and Clark can still fight crime another day" (It was a comic strip he wrote about us as superheros)
Please do well in English
and I promise to try to do better in math
Wasn't this poem good for a laugh?

I want more then anything I have ever wanted to try again with him. Even though our families don't get a long, and all of my friends think i'm crazy, I miss him. I miss him more then just how you miss waking up next to somebody. I miss my best friend. I know that I probably wont ever see him again, and that he will probably move on in life, but I just wish we could be friends. How do I say that to him? He said he misses me as a friend too. How do you just say "Look we are both hurting, and we ended our realtionship on misunderstands, can we still be friends?" Or would that hurt more? I mean, it would have to end eventually. I know he might not love me anymore, but I'm willing to ignore all the feelings I might have left over for him if it would mean getting to go to carnivals, watching tv, and having band practice together again.
I know how everyone says that everyone feels this way after a break up, but this isn't just a puppy love kind of thing. I really miss him. I have walked away from a lot of people/guys who have treated me badly (and he didn't treat me that bad) but I cannot walk away from him. We had grown up together on the same street, been best friends before we went out, and spent every day together.

What am I supposed to do? I can't stand the thought of going through all that again with him, but my heart hurts so bad every time my phone rings and it's not him

Posts: 29 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 50143

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sorry I left a lot out of the poem. My keyboard is broken. It actually rhymes nicely when you see the whole thing.
Posts: 29 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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