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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I don't even know where to begin..

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Author Topic: I don't even know where to begin..
Love to love
Member # 45991

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Alright so I'll begin with explaining my relationship with my ex a little. My ex wasn't the nicest of all men. He was emotional abusive and sometimes verbally. I did everything to make him happy and sincerely cared about him. He ended up breaking up with me (little did I know he cheated on me) I only found out as of recently. But this information will only help with telling my story.

My problem here is: I deeply care about his good friend who was once one of my best friends. We met because of him. I always knew he was a great guy and we've always had an amazing connection when we were around each other. But I just thought it was a friend thing. Well when my ex broke up with me this friend was deployed. I had told him we broke up and we would talk whenever he was on facebook during his deployment.. He would sort of get a little flirty with me, but not too much. I also found out he had told my ex that he was lucky to have me. When he finally got home to the states we started to text every day. We even began to flirt a lot. He then started to feel really bad for flirting with me and I got more out of him then I ever expected too. He told me he had feelings for me but he shouldn't because of my ex. We continued to talk, we tried to jsut be friends but it didn't seem to work out that way. Every time we would text or skype we would always end up have serious conversations about us. We even got to the point of considering being together in secret.. Normally I would NEVER agree to it, but I know what kind of guy he is, I know how amazing he would be to me, I know him like the back of my hand. I really care about him so I was willing to do this.

Well after a week or so of talking about being in secret he stops talking to me as much, started being short with me and finally I asked him why he was doing this. He got really mad and said 'you told people, everyone knows about us, I trusted you' at this point I was really confused and hurt. I hadn't told anyone that knew him.. Only family and close friends. He ended up deleting me off facebook and I had sent him two messages spilling my heart to him. He didn't reply.. After a few weeks I couldn't handle not having him in my life as a friend so I broke down and text him. He text me back and we started to talk again.. He even told me he was coming down and wanted to see me, I said we should get sushi and then he said something like how it wouldn't work because of my ex and from what I knew people knew about me and this guy so I asked him if my ex found out. He then told me he made that up because he couldn't stand himself for talking to me the way he was when he was such good friends with my ex.. I understood even though I was hurt, I got it. He felt like he was betraying his friend and I understood that. So we were just friends... until HE started to flirt with me again. I took him hesitantly because I didn't want him to not be my friend again (which he apologized a lot for) well time came for him to come down. I didn't hear from him or talk to him. He wouldn't return my texts or anything.

So we stopped talking - again. And then maybe a month later I broke down again and contacted him. He said we were never not friends and we were talking again, till we got a little TOO flirtatious on webcam, the next few days we talked a little then he stopped talking to me. After a few weeks he deleted me off facbeook, again. At this point I'm pretty hurt but expected it. I finally sent him a text saying I'm done trying and yaddie yadda yadda and that if he ever needed a friend I was there for him and I was sorry that things ended up the way they did. A day goes by, I didn't hear from him. The next night - he texts me. I text him back and don't hear from him. Well that was a week ago, tonight I had my skype up and when I came into my bedroom he was trying to video call me. I answered and he didn't say much we just kinda looked at each other for a few minutes then his friends started to come into the room. Then we started to text and he tells me he has feelings for me.. Then I sent him a long text saying he can't keep hurting me and that he needs to man up and prove to me he has feelings for me like he says he does or be my friend. I also told him he needs to give us a shot because my ex will be going to a different country this soon and its the perfect time. I told him I was the perfect girl for him and that he can't keep getting my hopes up, that I want to be happy but its hard when he keeps stringing me on.

I just don't know what to do! I care about him more than I cared about my ex, I was at a point where my ex still was trying to get back with me but I knew I wanted this other guy.. I know that if he didn't truly care about me he wouldn't risk his friendship with my ex, regardless of how he is going about this whole situation hes one of the best guys I know. And I see my future with him... not something I could see with anyone ever before and its just hard, I don't know what to do because it hurts! When I try to move on he comes back and UGH. :/ I don't want to move on either...

Also he knows my ex didn't treat me well, that my ex broke up with me and cheated on me. So why can't he be with me? I know he feels guilty but its obvious my ex didn't care enough about me.. So shouldn't I be free game for him? Gah. :/

Sorry for the long post, I don't think I've ever posted this much on here. [Razz]

[ 04-03-2011, 05:15 AM: Message edited by: Love to love ]

Posts: 115 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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You know, situations like this are always really tough. First, he feels a loyalty to his friend which is really obvious. But knowing his friend moved on, and the relationship didn't go well between you he should be able to be open and honest about his feelings for you. If his friend can't handle that, then really he's not the best of friends. He's no longer with you, and doesn't own you in any way. And having dated you doesn't and really shouldn't mean that either his friend or you don't have a right to see who you want to. Sure it can be awkward at first, but it's really not about him, it's about the two of you.

That said though? Because he does feel that loyalty to his friend, he HAS been very unreliable in the past. He has gone between talking and friendship, to being something maybe more than friends, to not friends and no contact at all. It's happened numerous times, and every time it seems to genuinely hurt you. So should you consider being with him, it's something that I think you need to not let go of in the back of your mind - at least not at first. Because dating there may come a time when he feels this again. Too? Your ex is leaving the country for now... but what about when he comes back home? Is this going to pan out the same way it has before then? I think it's something you should absolutely discuss with him before dating.

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 44729

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Sorry I've taken so long to reply.. So much has comeup for me.. I haven't really talked to him lately.. and its not because he's not talking to me, but because I've finally just realized if he wants to be with me he'll come after me.. It's been nice to be happy without him in my life. (granted if I text him, he does reply) so we're on talking terms but for now I'm just going to try and move on, I think I've met a good guy and he's the first guy to really distract me from my feelings for this guy that I've made the post about. So thank you for your help! I realize if he wants me he'll come get me, he has my number. So thank you <3
Posts: 11 | From: Use | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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