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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I just want someone's input or some experienced advice

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Author Topic: I just want someone's input or some experienced advice
chickie
Neophyte
Member # 45222

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Alright this might be long. I am 14 years old, and my boyfriend turns 14 on the 30th of this month. We're both lifelong homeschoolers. We're both Bi. I know we're very young but this does feel very real to me. We've been together 5 months, and I've known him half my life. He's pretty much my best friend. He's liked me for three years and says he's in love, and I believe I guess as much as we can be in love at this age. I'm going to call him T and my friends involved by their first initials.

So we were together for several months and things were great. In about January we started fighting occasionally. It got to be more and more and then February, one of my best friends J (who used to be in a relationship with him, but for only a month,)told me that she still liked him a bit and he liked her back, a little bit. I asked him about it, and we talked about it, and I felt some jealousy but let go of it.

(One of our issues is him being immature and he wants to change that for me since it bothers me sometimes, even though I've told him I don't want him to change. )

So we continued to fight, and work it out, they were small, but in the past month and half they've gotten worse, with us hurting each other on purpose or accidentally.

Now in the beginning of this month he started smoking pot. I have nothing against pot but I do wish he wouldn't I just don't like the idea of him stoned. He knows I don't like it but continues to do it about 3 times in two weeks.

We went to visit a mutual friend together named S. She's another one of my 3 best friends. Now during this time He got his feelings hurt by me and talked to her about it, and she was understanding and nice to him (which is all I want, of course) and so he developed some feelings for her.... :/

I felt really sad after hearing this. That's the second girl he liked besides me while in this relationship, but we worked it out, he felt awful that it made me sad.

Now on that same day that I found that out, I found messages on his phone he sent to a friend of a friend's telling she had sexy body, personality, etc. He said he sent them while stoned. But for me that isn't an excuse. My feelings were extremely hurt, and we decided to take a break of two weeks.

Now we have just gone back and forth between yes we are going to break up, no we aren't, And now we pretty much are for sure. This is my and his first real relationship. I truly do love and care for him and does for me. The time we spend together is so blissful. I can't let him go.

We have talked about sex in the past, and now we want to have sex before we break up to have that memory of each other and that bond. Even as I type it it sounds silly, my issues with it are that we're so young and inexperienced, and that I don't want to have done everything for the first time with one person. I've read through a lot of the 'Are you in a healthy relationship' Are you ready for sex" thingies here on Scarleteen.

We still don't even know for sure we are going to break up now...

So as I step back and see this from someone who is reading this's point of view, it sounds like a silly teen relationship. But of course that's not what it is to me, it holds real meaning and companionship to me and I hope that's how I remember it for the rest of my life.

I would appreciate feedback and points of view from anyone who feels like they want to give it.

Thanks.
Love, D

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm of the mind that how old we are doesn't dictate the importance of our relationships or the seriousness of our feelings. No one suggests that the feelings small children have for their parents aren't real because they're three, right? I think the same goes here. I don't think your relationship is automatically silly or shallow because you're a young person.

However, you seem to be describing a relationship that's become unhealthy and even potentially abusive (you say you two have been hurting each other on purpose). Staying in a relationship like that at all concerns me, which would include adding sex to it, even if you feel pretty sure you're on your way out.

You know that sex doesn't bond people to each other, right? In other words, you talk about it in a way that makes it sound like you both think this will add some extra bond, but it just doesn't work like that. Sure, sometimes it can bring us closer to each other. other times, it doesn't. Other times still, it can even make us feel more disconnected.

Can you maybe talk to me a little bit more about why you recognize that this relationship is unhealthy enough that you need to go, but feel you should add sex to it? What would you be looking for in that? How would you plan to protect yourself -- I'm talking about your heart here -- having sex in something you know is emotionally unhealthy and emotionally unsafe?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pecejay
Neophyte
Member # 60479

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So.. i know EXACTLY what you are talking about.. I'm 18 now, but my first love was so ... complicated. We dated for a year.. and it was on and off, jealousy occured.. lying was present and it had to end..

I think .. in my opinion, you need to let him go. It is very hard, i know trust me.. it took everything i had to let him go and i thought i'd be with him for the rest of my life.. but if he's doing this now.. it'll just get worst later on.. you're too young to let him do this to you.. you can find someone and have a fresh start with everything. if you find later down the road he's changed then you can try it again.. which during that time he can realize what he has lost.

i wish you luck, but in my opinion you need to be strong and let him go. It's not like it's a forever ending thing, you can always try it again.. but just do what you think is right.. don't think about his feelings think about yourself.

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chickie
Neophyte
Member # 45222

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pecejay-
Thanks very much, I know in my heart that you're right. I think that's probably what will happen, and it feels good to have someone who gets it.

Heather- Thanks for taking it seriously and realizing the realness of relationships.

Unhealthy, yes. But the hurting each other on purpose only comes when we're fighting and pretty hurt (accidentally) already. So I don't know how that classifies...

I do know that about sex. It's just that neither of us has ever done it before and we want to be the first for each other.


Well, when we have a fight, and get hurt, it isn't always a fight, maybe just one of us hurt and the other confused and defensive. For a while now i have known that we need to break up and it's getting closer and closer. He knows too and he is so depressed over it. To add sex- while obviously as a human couple, we really want to have it, but idk why really... just a way to cling to each other I guess..

How do I plan to protect myself? I don't know. I guess the real answer is I have him as my best friend, that won't stop after we break up. I mean t lean on and talk to. i don't know how much sense that really makes to me though.

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pecejay
Neophyte
Member # 60479

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I just read this again, and i saw the part about being best friends? I tried doing that, and it's hard.. probably the hardest thing to do. You're obviously going to have feelings you know? So, you know to take a clean break and live your own lives for awhile find a new boy to hang around with if you feel like you need that kinda support? If you feel like you can't be without him, truly. Than you guys really need to sit down and get serious with all of this and just talk about everything, no holding back. Hope this helps a little bit - good luck.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd take some more time and try to really think about why you want to have sex with this person, or do anything, really, that could potentially dig you in deeper with this or present another way to get hurt.

Can you give yourself a few days of space to do that? Ideally, apart from him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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chickie
Neophyte
Member # 45222

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Yeah, okay, after reading what you guys said and I really thinking about it, sex is not gonna be a part of any of this. Not an option.

And yes, right now we're on a week long break with no contact. I think we'll just break up soon. And thanks a lot [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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During your break, why don't you check out this link: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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chickie
Neophyte
Member # 45222

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I did read that. It was semi helpful. He's now saying he'll do
whatever it takes to hold onto me. I want to stay with him but there are parts of me that are just ready to be done...

I'm reading your book right now. It's awesome. The sexual readiness checklist helped me see that I'm really not ready.

Posts: 28 | From: West Coast | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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