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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Discrepancy in attraction

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Author Topic: Discrepancy in attraction
14fields
Neophyte
Member # 56106

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Would there be any reason why my feelings fluctuate so much?

I mean, I know it's normal not to be as attracted to one person as that person is to you, right? It's in the majority of relationships, because I get the feeling that she loves me more than I love her, and I've told her that, and she was a bit hurt but only because she didn't even think about comparing her love to mine, or quantifying her love, so she didn't know why I'd do the same... she just said that she'd allow me to feel what I feel without putting a label on it, and she'd do the same.... but I still stress about a possible discrepancy in attraction. How do I deal with that?

Also, for a few days at a time, or even for week-long blocks, I'll be crazy about her, but then I'll feel lukewarm about her for a while, and I don't find her as attractive as I did before, even to the point where it's almost platonic feelings. We're not in a relationship or anything, but we have a complicated history, and at one time I thought we were going too fast too soon, and since I have anxiety disorders, normal worries that one may experience in a relationship make me much more paranoid. We talked about the pace, and she left it up to me to decide the pace, and she wouldn't pressure me into anything. My :lukewarm" phases are normally associated with the times I feel worried about how we will progress (or if we don't progress), so that may have something to do with it. Also, I feel my boundaries changing day-to-day. One day I'm completely comfortable with something, the next day I won't be. Why? It's driving me crazy!

I would like this to eventually turn into a relationship if I could, but with all these fluctuating feelings I wonder if this will just end up in heartbreak. I want to love her just as much as she loves me, but i fear I cannot. I want to feel stable in my fluctuations of feelings and attraction, as well as my boundaries, because otherwise I'd just be leading her on.

I think about her all the time, and I wish that she were with me more so we could just talk and she could see the things that I could see. Sometimes I fantasize heavily about her, other times, if I try to fantasize, it doesn't affect me as much as before. Why would this be? Even if we remained as just friends, I would still have a love for her that would be "different," and somewhere beyond normal friendship. She doesn't believe in labeling these types of things, but leaving it up in the air makes me feel very uncertain.

So, what gives?? Has anyone experienced this type of thing before? I just know that I hate it!

Posts: 25 | From: U.S. | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm a bit lost here: who is the "her" in this situation? Is this the person online you've been talking about feeling uncomfortable around, or is this someone else?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
14fields
Neophyte
Member # 56106

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Yes, this is the person online that I've met. I just can't understand why I would be very attracted to her most of the time, then all of the sudden, most if not all the beyond-friendship feelings would spontaneously disappear. In the past, they always came back again, usually within a week or so, and sometimes the feelings for her would come back even stronger. This is the fourth time it's happened. I mean, there were a lot of sparks when we first met, and I have a very strong pull towards her, but just once in a while they fade! I don't think we've known each other long enough (3 months) for us to have really settled on what can happen in long-term relationships, where the NRE calms down, or anything. So, is this type of thing normal? What can cause it?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Answering this is a little tough for me, because I feel like the same kinds of rules, as it were, and dynamics for in-person relationships only apply so much when a relationship has never been in-person. Not saying there isn't some crossover and common threads, because I know there are, but things like a "spark," for instance, make only so much sense to me in context, because that's usually a word used to describe in-person feelings of chemistry.

With this relationship, too, in particular, you've talked before about being pretty reticent about it in some ways, which is probably part of your back-and-forth here.

Since you're clearly pretty serious about this -- even in your uncertainty -- my best advice would be to talk about meeting in-person soon if you're going to consider being in a serious relationship. I think that might help you sort out your feelings some, if not a lot, and give them some more context.

That said, I also think NRE can most certainly fizzle by a few months -- or even weeks -- in.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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