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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend's Parents/Other problem.

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Author Topic: Boyfriend's Parents/Other problem.
sunshineeexoxo
Neophyte
Member # 48632

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My boyfriend's (Not even a month yet, mind you) mom hates me. I'm pretty sure she wants me dead. I went over to his house today, and when I got there his parents weren't home (We're in high school, by the way) and I quietly said that I didn't realize we were going to be there alone. He told me his parents were at work and would be home later. I just shrugged it off, thinking that they knew I would be there.

However, I was wrong. His mom gets home about an hour after I got there, and she calls him into the other room, and I can hear them talking. The way she talked about the situation made me seem like a horrible person, which I'm not. I'm basically the girl that all parent would love to have their son date. I'm smart, responsible, polite, and I get along with everyone. She made it sound like I went over there knowingly they wouldn't be home so we could get ourselves alone. Which is the complete opposite of what I want (Read below...) I'm hurt by her words. It's so different for me to be the bad guy in a situation.

It became apparent to me later that she actually dislikes me. I was planning on leaving around 6, and at about 5:55 she called us for dinner, and I said I couldn't stay. I was glad I had a valid excuse this time (My mom had called and wanted me home) but part of the truth it, I dislike eating in front of people. Not an eating disorder of any kind, I just don't like people watching me eat, especially ones I don't know very well. I have weird eating habits, and it's extremely awkward when people mention them and I have to explain myself, haha. Anyways, I apologized that I couldn't stay, thanked her for the offer, told her it smelled delicious (Sincerely, it smelled great!) and told them to have a good night. She basically looked at me with disgust and told me to drive carefully. I took that as my cue to leave and closed the door quietly behind me. Being completely honest here, I cried in my car on the way home. I just wanted to make a good second impression on his parents, and it seems I have failed.

Apologizing here because I realize this is already extremely long and extremely boring and sorry!

So, not only does his mom hate me, I'm not completely happy with him. :/

We jumped into a relationship very very soon after meeting one another. His doing, not mine. We're very similar in many ways, which is great, but there's something that we're complete opposites about.

He likes physical affection. I hate it. I'd be perfectly happy to sit 20 feet away from him and watch tv, while he's more happy basically on top of me playing with my hair. Ew. The whole hair playing behavior went out the window quickly, let me tell you. He likes holding my hand, and having his arm around me and cuddling and all that nonsense. And he likes kissing. I despise kissing, pretty much. It seems like that's all he wants to do. Hey buddy, I'm trying to watch tv here, could you possibly remove yourself from my face? A peck here or there is alright, I guess, like hello and goodbye, but all this nonsense all the time, not my style.

Although I hate it, I do kiss him. He doesn't know I hate it, so he keeps doing it. I find my thoughts wandering while we're kissing. From everything to "I wonder what my friends are doing" to "I want some new shoes" to "Oh, I forgot about that question on my homework, I should take another look at that" and always back to "Okay, has it been long enough for me to end this and go back to whatever we were doing before?"

I don't know why I don't like kissing, I just don't. But anyways, I don't want to hurt him, I'm just not sure if I like him as much as I thought I did. Sounds like we'd make better friends.

:/ I'm just all messed up I guess.

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:)

Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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Hi sunshine,

Sounds like you're in a hard situation. You've listed a few reasons here why it's difficult to get on with your boyfriend's mother and that you're not completely happy with him either. You also said that you might make better friends. So, what *is* good about this as a romantic relationship? What do you think about changing to a friends-type relationship which may suit you better?

Regarding the kissing, whenever we don't like (or hate!) what a partner is doing, its really important to communicate that to them in a kind way. It's not fair to expect them to be mind readers and we all enjoy different things, after all. Here is a good read about talking with partners about relationships and sex:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner

[ 03-13-2011, 04:52 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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sunshineeexoxo
Neophyte
Member # 48632

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You know, I really don't know what IS good about this relationship as a romantic one.

I'm a very independent person. Very driven. So to me, boyfriends have never been a priority. To have one like him, it's almost smothering feeling. He's very talkative, which is the opposite of me, when I'm with people.

What's good about this as a romantic relationship...I honestly don't know. It's not like we go on dates or anything or we've been together forever so I depend on him or he makes me feel beautiful. None of those things happen.

Basically, he's all in this relationship it seems, while I'm just there, indifferent.

My friend and I got coffee last night and talked this over, and she helped me realize that I like the idea of a boyfriend more than I actually like him.

So, yeah, I think changing to a friends relationship would suit us a lot more. Being honest, if I break things off, we probably won't see each other ever again, unless through the band conference where we met. It's not that I don't like him as a person, I just don't like him as a boyfriend really. I think he's attractive, but I also think a lot of people are attractive and I'm not dating them. I think changing to just friends would work better because I do like spending time with him, other than being smothered by his physical affection.

The kissing. And physical affection. I just don't really know how to bring it up that I don't like it, since we've already been doing it. I suppose I could just come out and say it, that I don't like it and could we please do less of it. That might work best.

One of the main issues that I'm considering ending is not only the physical aspect. But I can't deal with someone who's parents hate me. It just won't work out in our favor, I feel.

There I go again, long winded. I apologize, I've been working on this in my papers for school, and yet they always seem to end up longer than I intend.

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:)

Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
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Sounds like you're already very clear about what you want to do. If you feel like you're "just there, indifferent", then it probably is better to change to a different type of relationship. Do you know how you might go about that?

As you mentioned, you can talk about how you don't like kissing and would prefer to do less of it. Sometimes it can be good to accompany that statement with something you do like about the way he treats you and let him know that you enjoy that.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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sunshineeexoxo
Neophyte
Member # 48632

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I really want to change to a strictly friends relationship with him. I feel like it would just be better for me. Not only am I having these second thoughts, coming up in my life is an extremely busy time. I feel like I won't be able to see him very much at all.

I just don't really know what to say to him about this. I don't want to hurt his feelings, because he hasn't done anything wrong. I really care about him, and I hope to stay in touch with him.

I don't even know when or where to say this to him. We don't talk on the phone, which is the next best option to being in person. I hate talking on the phone, and he'll know if I call him that something is going on.

I don't really want to do this over text or something. That's really lame in my opinion, and rude.

However, if I go to his house, I not only have to be strong enough to do it without crying, I also have to drive all the way there, which I don't really like doing in the first place. And he'll be all excited to have me there and he'll have made plans and stuff, and for me to knock on his door, break up with him and rude, I would feel awful.

>.< I don't know what to do!

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:)

Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Can you meet on neutral ground? I understand that it seems really wierd to visit him at his house and then break up with him. Maybe meeting halfway on neutral territory will make it less awkward.

You also don't have to surprise him with this. If you let him know beforehand that you'd like to have a conversation about your relationship, he's not going into this completely unprepared.

Also, it's okay to feel sad, and to cry. Even if the break up is something that you want, it's still a break up, and that's always hard.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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sunshineeexoxo
Neophyte
Member # 48632

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I mean, I suppose we could meet somewhere in the middle...although a break up in public is going to be awkward. But better than at his house, I guess.

That's a really good idea, asking him to talk about our relationship beforehand, actually, I might use that! Thank you. [Smile]

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:)

Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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