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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Long distance hookup?

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Author Topic: Long distance hookup?
Janie Jones
Member # 46161

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So a little back story:
I've only been in 1 relationship, which was with my ex, J, whom I dated for 3 years. We broke up last August, but remained close friends. We moved in together (as friends) with my other roommate, C, back in October. Everything is working out well and J and I have guidelines about dating other people.

A friend of J's, K, has been hitting on/flirting with me the last few months. J has known him for about 8 years, but has never actually met him face to face as K lives in Alaska and J lives in New England. They have corresponded via instant messenger, facebook, phone calls, etc. I have been talking with K through IM for a couple of years as well.

Recently I have been responding to the flirting. From our conversations he seems to be an intelligent and caring person who is willing to engage in political and social debates/discussions. We have joked back and forth for a while about him moving to New England or me moving to Alaska. He would like to move away from Alaska, but at this point both lack of money and family responsibilities prevent it. I suggested that possibly some time this summer I could visit Alaska and we could go hiking.

Things got a little complicated this last weekend when we ended up having cybersex. I felt attracted to him when we talked online and I was thinking it might be fun to have a casual hookup if I visited him, or possibly have it turn into more if he moved East. I have since talked to him on the phone and I am really unsure if I am attracted to him or not, and I know there is no was of judging if we have "chemistry" unless we are in the same room.

The biggest problem is the actual meeting. While it would be fun to explore Alaska with someone who knows all the best places to hike and possibly have some casual sex, would it really be a smart/safe thing to do? Online he seems like a truly decent guy who would be ok if we were just friends or ended up being sexual partners, but I don't actually know him. I would think that either J or I would have got the "creep vibe" from him if something wasn't right, but I know you can't always tell.

Any advice or reflections on similar experiences/circumstances would be appreciated.


I don't want you to settle, I want you to grow.

Posts: 21 | From: Northeast USA | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34135

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Hi there Janie!

(trigger warning for a bit about assault)

I know it would be better to have a direct answer, but really, you can never tell what's going to happen once you are one on one with someone you don't know so well. Especially with online friends, planning meet and greets can be tricky since people can be completely different in person (and in person, face-to-face, YOU might feel different than online, too [Wink] ).

One thing I learned from meeting an online friend was that the stuff people generally warn about (getting assaulted or attacked by an internet "friend") is not as likely as the meeting just being plain awkward and uncomfortable. From my own personal experience, the person I met was not a serial killer- but he was a little off. We didn't really connect too much beyond watching a bunch of movies, and when it came to sex, I had brought condoms but I ended up not wanting to have sex and told him so. I think that made him upset but he didn't talk about it so it was just Awkward.

My advice would be to heed any, ANY!!! red flag warnings you get. They're probably valid. If there aren't any, be very clear about what's going to happen when you visit. Have a back up plan for if it doesn't work out (would you be staying with him? My advice would be to make sure there's an affordable hostel/motel in the area). Let people know where you'll be, and let them know to call you and make sure things are rolling smoothly. Have an "out" or excuse if you're uncomfortable. Make sure that it's clear that you both are at least considering a sexual relationship, or else it could be Awkward.

Basically, watch your back and be safe. Trust yourself. And HAVE FUN if you do go. I didn't mean to make this so long but it's sort of one of my passions.

[ 03-09-2011, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: Bonnie.N.Clyde ]

"And when everyone is super, no one will be."


Posts: 116 | From: Olympia, WA | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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