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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Please help

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Author Topic: Please help
lionelcoinbank
Neophyte
Member # 58313

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Alright, I dont really know where to begin with this one guys. I read the article about healthy relationships and stuff, and don't really know where to fit this in, so maybe you guys can help me. One of my best girl friends (we've known each other for about seven years) recently told me that she is into me, and over the past two weeks we have spent several nights together and have had sex a few times. As of now we are in a trial relationship because she lives in a different city, but she really likes me and I reciprocate. We are able to talk about anything and we are comfortable sharing sexual information, likes/dislikes etc. and we constantly laugh and are so comfortable around each other.

The problem is that I am scared to death that she is going to stop feeling this way about me and that things wont work out. Its strange because I always kind of liked her but it was always a back of my mind sort of deal and I never would have acted on it because I didn't want to compromise our friendship. Now that we are together it feels like the floodgates have opened and I have such strong feelings that its kind of scary to me.

She is also friends with my ex-girlfriend who I dated for almost four years, but we broke up several years ago and I am over it. She called her tonight to let her know about the situation and the ex was cool to her but said that she thought she "could do better." That really stung, but obviously she took it with a grain of salt because she was my ex and she told me and we talked about it for a while. Also we have lots of mutual friends who support the relationship, even though it was a surprise to many people.

The last thing to mention is that she got out of a five year relationship last august, so she has had some time to come to terms with that and has said that she has (it was starting to sour anyways before the end) but still, that concerns me as well. Im not worried that she will get back with him, simply that she wont be able to invest herself fully in this relationship. So far that hasn't been a problem, and since I knew him well (and was decent friends with him) she does talk about him sometimes.

I guess in a way I am concerned because things are going almost too well and I haven't felt this good about someone else in a long time. I just wish that I could be happy instead of worrying about everything, but I am so afraid that I am going to lose her that its making me feel depressed, and that sucks because I am also so happy right now. I am so confused. I dont know if anyone can help me or offer words of advice, but I really need some right now. Thanks.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can you give me an idea of what your worst-case outcome is with this? In other words, I'm obviously hearing how afraid you are, but can you put into more words for me what you are afraid of? You say afraid of losing her: do you mean losing her as a whole person in your life, or her in a specific role, for instance?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lionelcoinbank
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Member # 58313

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Well, I know that we will be friends regardless of what happens, I am mostly worried about things not working out with our romantic relationship. As I tried to say above, the main issue isn't that Im doing something wrong or that there is a problem, the issue is that I just want to feel happy about how things are going instead of constantly worrying that they wont. I feel like I am this way because of my ex gf. I kind of feel like I can't trust anything anymore no matter how great it is. I am just so into this girl (not the ex gf) that it frightens me when I think of it not working.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It sounds like you two have already had an awesome relationship when it wasn't romantic.

Can you perhaps recognize that even if your worst-case happens, and this doesn't work out as a romance, that that could still be okay? In other words, that you'll probably still be left with the awesome friend and friendship you had before this started, and that since you two have been such great friends, that if things don't work out, even a split would probably be handled very well and with a lot of care?

It might also help to recognize a couple additional things.

For once, in a lot of ways, romantic relationships really are the least stable or certain kinds of relationships there are. They do tend to shift and change more rapidly or often than friendships or family relationships do. That really is just kind of the nature of the thing, unless there's a friendship at their core, in which case even when we have a shift or change, we often are still left with the most valuable, deep and stable part of that relationship.

Too, one of the easiest way to trash a relationship is by self-sabotaging it by being so focused on it tanking that we never put in the time and full focus on appreciating it while we have it for what it is. You cam worry or not worry, and in either case, this may not go as you'd like, wish or hope. But if you are in a constant state of worry about it, it's actually a lot more likely to go south.

You might also find this might be moving a little too fast: if we find we feel SUPER insecure like this, that can sometimes be why. So, too fast maybe sexually and romantically, but also maybe too fast in terms of your own attachment to what is, in some ways, a brand-new relationship. Think you can slow it all down a little?

Have you been able to talk with her about any of these fears yet?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lionelcoinbank
Neophyte
Member # 58313

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Yes, I did talk to her about some of this stuff the other night, I told her that I was a little afraid that this was just a temporary thing and she told me she didn't feel like it was temporary, and that we should just play it by ear and see what happens (because of the distance more than anything) and I absolutely agree with her that that is the best way. Really, there just havent been any big issues and we are really comfortable around each other, and of course, if it doesn't work out I will still cherish the friendship. I guess I just need to calm myself dow a bit. There have been so many unexpected (and on the whole, amazing) emotions for me the past week that I just dont know what to do. I am definitely on a sort of emotional high, to the point that I forget about eating and stuff sometimes! Either way, I will just keep following this, and I haven't let these insecure feelings affect the way I treat her, I just need to come to terms with them.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I know it's not a fun truth, but might it help you try and come to terms with the fact that all relationships are always going to be a bit iffy and impossible to guarantee? That's especially the case with romances, but it's really the case with all of them.

If you can get to that, you might be able to more easily get to the fact that you have a very long, well-established relationship of one kind with this girl, so even if the romance doesn't stick over time or turn out to be what one or both of you wants, it seems pretty clear to me that you are not likely to just wind up ditched by this person in any way, and that the most important and enduring parts of your relationship will probably stick around for a long time.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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