Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » New boyfriend and dealing with past trauma (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   
Author Topic: New boyfriend and dealing with past trauma
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It has been over a year since all the trauma happened and I decided I was ready to start a relationship.

My boyfriend is nice, caring and is not even a year older than I am (although he is still freaked out that what we are doing is illegal. He's 18 and I keep assuring him that I have a lot of knowledge on that topic and that what we are doing isn't illegal.)

The sexual thing we have done so far is kissing and I'm fine with that. Yesterday we went to the movies and watched No Strings Attached (it was between that or Black Swan. Halfway towards the end of the movie we were holding hands and kissing a little bit.

At the end of the movie, when the credits were on and everyone left, we did more kissing. I think he said or did something that almost caused me to start crying. I’m very good at controlling my emotions so I didn't cry but I did have to get a tissue to wipe my eyes and he saw that. He asked me why I was crying and I told him it was nothing and suggested that we leave since everyone else has already left.

We went to the lobby and talked since I had to wait for my brother to be finished with his movie. Another thing I like about my boyfriend is that he likes to talk. I told him that he was the first nice guy I have every dated and that the previous guys used me and treated me horribly. I told him I wanted to take it slow because of that.

The point of this post to figure out how to tell my boyfriend about most of the things that happened to me without overwhelming him with it. I also want to know other ways to avoid having emotional meltdowns (the crying). So far, I told him not to call me certain names, that I wanted our relationship to go slow and I tell him when we are kissing not to do/touch certain places.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
coralee
Peer Ambassador
Member # 43628

Icon 1 posted      Profile for coralee         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well it sounds like you've been doing a good job of telling him what makes you feel uncomfortable. You write:"I told him that he was the first nice guy I have every dated and that the previous guys used me and treated me horribly. I told him I wanted to take it slow because of that." which is maybe all he needs to know at this point. I don't think you have to tell him more about your past unless you want to and are truly ready to tell him. How did he respond when you told him that you were treated badly in previous relationships? Did he take it well and react in a way that was appropriate?

About his worries that you guys are doing something illegal: I don't know the laws in your state, but I'm sure a quick internet search would let you guys read the laws on age of consent and he would be reassured.

Posts: 143 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think he took it well, he just thought it was sweet that I told him he was the first nicest guy I've been with and he told me I was beautiful. Thanks.

Anyone have other advice?

[ 02-21-2011, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So I told my boyfriend that I was raped, abused and molested just a few hours ago. I think he took it well. Said the expected "I'm sorry this happened to you" and "I would not have known that happened to you"

In all honesty I didn't expect to tell him all of this until we have been dating for at least 2 and a half months.

I ended up telling him all of this because at school my so called friends were just being mean to me and not believeing me when I told them that I had a panic attack when I was at the movies with him. I told them why I had the panic attack not like I needed to tell them because I already told them what happened when school started earier in the year.

I also told him that I wanted to experiment with him to see what type of sexual activites cause me to have panic attacks.

[ 02-23-2011, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm glad disclosing went so well for you.

Can we talk a little about the idea of experimenting sexually with a partner to find out about panic attacks? because I kind of question that approach, both in terms of a healthy sexual life and a sound dynamic in your relationship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The reason I want to do it is to know what activites to avoid, so I don't have panic attacks.

But I imagine a lot of things might cause the attacks though since all he was doing at the movies was holding me and rubbing my arm. I guess that situation brought back memories because I went to the movies with one of my exes and we ened up having sex even though I didn't want to and I had to ask him three times to drive me back to the theater.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Here's the thing...well, a few things.

1) When and if you have panic attacks probably is not just going to be about what activity is going on. How you're feeling at the time, the emotional dynamics, the timing...these are all going to be factors. So is the general timing, as in, moving into any kind of sexual activities pretty quickly. This is a very new relationship.

2) Trying to move into any of that really quickly is likely to make you feel unsafe already, and if you have negative feelings with this partner in those experiences, that can basically add trauma to trauma.

3) It also sounds a little bit to me like kind of trying to do therapy through sex in this relationship, if you now what I mean. Mind, healthy, wanted sex can be a healing thing sometimes, to be sure, so I'm not saying it's not okay to have wanted sexual situations be part of what helps you heal.

4) How do you feel about having panic attacks or being triggered with this partner? How up are they to helping you through those when they happen in such an intimate situation?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I know what you mean by your first point, it all depends on the situtation. And your second point, I understand that too. As for point three I guess I kinda am.

I rarely see my boyfriend. He goes to technical school half of the day and the other half he has classes at the high school and he doesn't have any lunch or study hall periods. So at most, I'm seeing him maybe for 5 minutes per school day if I get to see him.

I feel ok because I know he understands. He hasn't seen me have a major panic attack yet, I can usually control my panic attacks by reminding myself to breathe. But when I do have one, I think he will do fine and stop whatever we are doing to make sure I'm ok, from what I know and observed about him.

I'm glad I met him, when we are together he doesn't care whether we just talk the whole time. Also that I'm smarter than him or that I'm a "demanding and high maintance girlfriend" which I told him when we first went out. He likes helping me with my homework, in fact this weekend he's helping me with my history project. (He's helping me make cookies since I can't cook)

[ 02-23-2011, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think one thing to know when you have a relationship where you maybe see someone five minutes out of every day is that unless you're going for a relationship that's mostly or only sexual, it's probably going to take a while to get to a comfort level with them sexually.

Because that's a very small amount of time to have to get physically comfortable with someone or to even get to know them, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I know what you mean. We hang out for a few hours on the weekends most of the time. That's when we get to talk and get to know each other better.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Wow, ok my boyfriend just left to go to work after he helped me with my project. Things went in a way that I kinda didn't expect.

My dad wasn't home the first 15-20 min when he arrrived and the last 20 min when he left. When he arrived we did what we planned to do until my dad came home. When we finished we talked and just hanged with each other.

Then when my dad left for the second time, thats when things started getting physical. We went to my room and he fingered and gave me oral. And I gave him a hand job until we heard the garage open.

I didn't know we were going to do that stuff, it just happened. I find myself drifting off someplace sometimes when my boyfriend and I are intimate but I catch myself doing this and get my mind back to what's happening.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Are you saying you are dissociating? In other words, you do not feel like you are making these choices (since things really can't "just happen"), or maybe even don't feel like you're all there when something sexual is going on?

When you are both checking in with each other with consent with these things....well, are you both doing that? If so, is he asking you about doing each thing and you're saying yes? If so, are you fully aware at the time these exchanges are going on and you are giving consent?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That is what I'm saying, when I'm doing sexual acts with him even kissing sometimes I feel like I'm not totally there.

We are both good on the consent factor. When he was fingering me he kept asking whether I was ok.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That's dissociating, what you're describing.

And if you're doing that, it's a VERY clear signal that it's not sound for you to be being sexual with someone right now or yet or in a given context. It also means you can't fully consent because you're clear you're not all there.

It's very common to dissociate when we're being abused in an ongoing way: it's a way our mind checks out of our bodies to help try and protect us from trauma. But if it happens when we're not being abused, it's usually because we're still responding as if we are because we need to do more healing first.

I know I've said this to you a lot, but I think you really need to re-evaluate how fast it seems like you keep trying to move into a place you're just not at yet and probably won't be at for a while. My best suggestion would be to make clear to this boyfriend this is happening and it's a clear signal you're not ready, so sex should be taken off the table for now, probably for quite some time, especially if you're not getting therapy.

Obviously, these are your choices, and this is only my advice. But just know that being sexual and responding like this means that it could push BACK your healing process rather than help move it forward, something I think it's important to take seriously.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(Also, I just want to leave you a link about consenting, because I want to make sure you're clear that consenting isn't about doing something to someone THEN asking if they're okay. That's more of a consent check-in than consenting first, something that should happen before things start, especially with new partners for a while: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent

As that piece makes clear, it's also something that should be happening with everyone, not just one partner.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm probably going to tell him that. I told him I wanted to take it slow in the beginning so he'll understand when I tell him, I don't want to do sexual things for a while.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The beginning was... well, you're still in the beginning. This is a brand-new relationship.

So, if he's the one who was initiating this, it sounds like he may be pushing a boundary you only just set, anyway.

That given, I'd make sure you're being very firm about this boundary. I'd also ask he recognize that because of your abuse and it still having been so recent, he needs to know that you might dissociate sometimes around sex. What THAT means is that if he's going to be a safe partner for you, he has to make extra efforts to respect the lines you draw and not try and push past them. It also means you need him to be really honest with himself and with you as to if he feels capable of that. That's important with any healthy partnership, but it's even more important for someone who has suffered trauma and is trying to heal.

Can I ask if you feel capable of making sure you're only with someone who can really do all that, and if you feel able to take a pass on someone like this or shift to friends-only if you find they really can't? It's not likely something that'll be easy for you to do, all things given, and I'd not expect it to be, which is why I ask.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'll be able to be firm with my boundries considering that I've been telling him no a lot for the month we have been together.

When I tell him this, I'll make it clear to him that if he really wants a real relationship then he should be patient, especially with what I told him about the things that happened to me.

If he or I aren't ready then yeah I'll suggest we be friends until I am ready. It makes sense and I planned on telling him all of this eventually, we just never have time to really talk or when I'm talking to him I minimize what I'm trying to tell him.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, can you stand up for yourself and take good care of yourself by not minimizing this anymore? I'd say that includes not making this about if he wants a real relationship or not: no matter what he wants, he needs to respect your boundaries and not push them.

I'd also say that if you have been telling him no for the whole time you've been together, it sounds like he's been asking too much: you shouldn't have to KEEP saying no if you've made clear the answer is no and you will let him know when your feelings change. If he initiated what happened today, same deal: it sounds like he's not actually respecting your no.

So, I'd think very seriously about all of this some more. Because it's sounding to me like it's possible you've already made yourself clear numerous times and he may already have shown you he can't respect that.

I'd also just really check in with you about if you feel ready to have to put out and hold these kinds of boundaries: if you find you minimize their importance, that can be a clear sign your own behavior is giving you that you just aren't ready to be in the position you're in here, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'll be able to stand up for myself and keep with my boundaries. Once I tell him no, he doesn't bring it up again, he just thinks up different things we can do which are things I don't want to do yet. I only minimize when I first talk to him about something but when it comes up again, then I tell him the whole thing.

But, I'm working on it and from when I told him about the abuse, I think he is able to handle what I tell him however difficult it may be and that I'll will be able to tell him what I want to say since, I always feel stupid when I minimize what I want to say to him and always text or call him later to tell him more or to clarify things.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, maybe one thing you can ask him, when he thinks of those sexual things, is to keep those thoughts to himself for now.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, moving from here to here, as requested.

So, obviously, what we talked about negotiating a week ago is not what wound up happening, either in that it didn't get negotiated, or it did and someone isn't honoring those agreements.

Want to fill me in?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(Just FYI, another windstorm here, so my power keeps going on and off. If you leave a reply, I may not reply again until morning, especially if one of these times it's flickering on and off, it stays off.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's ok Heather, there's a heavy rain storm here so the power at my house could go off at any minute.

Two weeks ago we filled out the checklist and talked about the things that were on there. I told him that we hold off intercourse until further notice. I'm ok with us have manual and oral sex. So far, I'm the one recieving the manual sex, which has been great.

He's a nice guy. When I do a little thing for him like put my hand on his thigh, he says he has to do something for me in return. He always gives me more than I gave him. Another example would be prom, he's going to get me a limo and everything. He's even talking about visiting me when I'm in college.

Most of the time we just talk though and when situations get sexual we just kiss most of the time and maybe a little manual sex.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Us and our power issues! [Smile]

So, this actually sounds like a pretty different picture than the impression I was getting. That's great to hear.

Are you still finding you dissociate with the manual and oral sex, or in the last week, has something changed and you're finding yourself able to stay checked in throughout?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think I'm doing fine with not dissociating when we are having manual sex. I think it's because I am giving consent to it.

By the way, if I go to my gyn. to get the birth control, will my parents recieve anything from the insurance. I doubt they they will because the insurance company never sends any type of papers home even when we are supposed to get something from them.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Also I guess because with him, I know that he won't do anything that I don't want him to do.

I've learned my lesson about dating the "bad" guys. He isn't normally the type of guy I would date but it's nice that I'm the one controlling the relationship. So I know what's going to happen.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm so stressed out with everything. School, prom, boyfriend, etc. I'm just freaking out. I think it's mostly about my relationship. My prom is in two weeks and his is in a little bit over two months.

He's great, does all the things that a boyfriend should do. It's just, getting over the past is hard. It would help if I was in therapy but my mom won't let me. I'm just at my wits end right now. Sad to say, I cut myself again after not doing it since January.

I'm having emotional meltdowns, crying at random times. At night I would cry for almost 2 hours until one or two in the morning on a school night, which doesn' help at all since I only get 4 hours of sleep.

[ 03-17-2011, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm so sorry you're still having such a hard time.

Do you want to revisit what we have talked about before, which is that you do not need a parent's permission to get therapy?

I mean, I'm guessing you're doing some other things your Mom would not okay, either, so if you do those regardless, why not also do something you know is good for you and really important?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I know that I just don't want to go behind her back about something like this.

I hung out with my boyfriend today and we did it. I wasn't going to but I wanted to have sex with him so we did.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm actually off for tonight and tomorrow, but if you want to talk about this on Sunday, please come find me.

Filling me in on if you ever had your therapist talk to your mother about therapy for you like I suggested a while back would be helpful.

But also, I'm really concerned about how you are feeling and what is going on with your sexual pacing, since it keeps seeking like you will say pulling back is what you know is right for you, and tell me this boyfriend respects that, yet then you come back pretty quickly thereafter having taken several steps forward.

I'm not your sex police or anything: it would be inappropriate and disrespectful for me to be policing or trying to police any of our user's sex lives. However, you going into a relationship and moving into it so quickly not having has the kind of help you express you want and need to heal from your abuse -- and to make sure you are really seeing clearly the dynamics when you're with someone -- and it continuing to sound like you're having real trouble holding lines you express as knowing would be best for you (or having them respected) worries me.

Again, if you don't want to talk about this, we obviously don't have to, but since you keep coming back and saying things like you just did, I can only assume you do want to talk about them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My therapist said that she doesn't think it's right for her to call my mom, my mom should call her.

I know, sometimes it's hard sticking to my boundaries. When we are in public, it's easier for me to say no to him but when we are alone, it's different. I mean I still tell him that I won't do something if I'm not comfortable with it and everything. It's just the part where I want to do something with him but know that I want to wait a while longer to actually do it with him. For example the sex, we were in my room just making out. I was naked (he saw the cuts on my ribs and asked me why I did it, ect), he had his pants off. I told him that I wanted to have sex with him but I wanted to wait and basically debated with myself about it and finally said that maybe for just a little bit.

Thoughout the whole time we were having sex he was like you know we can stop anytime, I know that you don't really want to do it. I told him no it's fine I want to do it and anyway what's the point in stopping, let's just finish.

[ 03-20-2011, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm really sorry to hear that your therapist isn't willing to make that phone call. I don't know if you think it would help, but if your Mom knows you're using these forums (and if I remember right, she does), and you think an email from someone like me talking about why counseling is so important after abuse would help and would be welcomed, I'd be more than glad to try.

Do you want to talk through some of what's in your second paragraph today? maybe start by re-establishing where you are what with what YOU, all by yourself, really feel ready for? Maybe fill me in on what you think would really be ideal for you right now in terms of what you think is best for you?

Can you also fill me in on how it's going with this boyfriend helping you stick to your boundaries? For instance, you set them: did he leave things there, or has he kept talking about and initiating any kind of sex? When you start to slip past boundaries you set, does he stop, mention that you're going past them, and ask to talk about that instead of being physical?

[ 03-20-2011, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bookwormfairy
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44107

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bookwormfairy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
She does know I'm using these forums. That would be nice Heather, I plan on talking to my mom about therapy again sometime tonight. I'll see how it goes and if it doesn't go well, then your email would be greatly appreciated.

What I want is a relationship that isn't sexual at all. I'm ok with kissing in the relationship and a little just of touching here and there but that's it.

He has stopped talking about and initiating any kind of sex. Whenever we do something sexual he asks if I'm ok with it and says that if I'm not then I don't have to do it. Like with us having sex, he doesn't stop but mentions how he knows I didn't want to go that far at the moment and he suggested that he pull out and I finished him off another way or that he can do it himself. And again sometimes I'm still thinking the way I used to think last year about how the guys want sex and if I stop they won't like it.

It's just hard with a new boyfriend and knowing what I know and trying to change, to make things different so that I'm happy and not just think about what he wants but what I WANT.

--------------------
~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You just let me know. I'm always happy to talk to parents and help mediate if and when that's something a user wants me to try.

You sounds very] clear on what you want here: you want a relationship that isn't sexual at all, save for some kissing and maybe some touching.

You say he has stopped initiating at all: so, with the manual sex and intercourse that has gone on: that was you who initiated that, not him?

Can we also check back in about if you really feel ready to have a boyfriend right now? So much of what you've said here and in the past makes it sound clear to me you are just not there yet, especially when it comes to the assertiveness required, and to standing up for yourself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3