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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Dating Pro-lifer, differing views

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Author Topic: Dating Pro-lifer, differing views
Midnight Sun
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I'm dating a guy who is very much against abortion, stem-cell research, and pre-marital sex. I myself, am pro-choice, support stem cell research, and have had sex before. We've had the discussion on these issues, and he is ok with me not being a virgin.
However, I'm conflicted. While we get along great in most other ways and I can genuinely say I'm in love with him and he is my best friend, the abortion issue does bother me.
I know as to whether or not this issue is a deal breaker is one only I can answer, but has anyone else had this conflict? How did it go?

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moon_goddess
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I think it depends on your long-term plans. Are you planning on marrying this guy? Do you want children?

If he's anti pre-marital sex, does this mean you are going to wait until you two are married to have sex? What happens if you don't wait, and you end up getting pregnant? Would you want an abortion?

Sorry if I'm answering your questions with other questions, but I don't think anyone can answer it for you. I don't see stem-cell research being something that comes up personally for you two, unless your goal is to become a scientist who specifically studies that, but the fact that you have radically different views on the way the world works could be problematic.

On the other hand, if you're planning on marrying this guy, and waiting to have sex until then, and if that's not a big issue for you, then I think you have a shot at making it work. My guess is that you can live with these differences, as long as they don't come up personally for you two, which is why waiting until marriage until having sex with him and being on the same page about wanting children would be ideal.

Good luck!

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Mortality
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I've never been in your situation, but I do know that someone not being pro-choice would be a deal breaker for me.
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Midnight Sun
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Thanks, I think things are probably going to be fine. Since he's pretty adamant about not having sex until he's married, I don't think the abortion issue will come up for us personally. And while I do feel sex between two people who are in a committed relationship, and practiced responsibly can be perfectly safe, I respect him enough not to press the issue and do things his way. I can live without sex for awhile. Plus, he does have some valid reasons for waiting I guess.

And to answer your question. I think could very well
potentially marry this guy, so I can accept waiting. I also think I would want kids someday. I was just wondering what other peoples' experiences have been.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I myself do not have the same problem, however I do have similar one. My boyfriend is a Christian and attends Church on a regular basis, while he says that evolution "makes sense", I am under the impression that he does not believe in it (we avoid this topic so as to not cause conflicts), whereas I am an Atheist (someone who does not believe in a (or plural) god, deity, creator etc) and believe strongly in evolution. We both respect the beliefs of the other, even though we ourselves don't understand them, and their right to have those beliefs.

With your situation, it is a bit more complicated. While my boyfriend and I have differing opinions on something that is very important and significant to the both of us, it does not have a direct (or at least immediately) effect on our lives, whereas in your situation, with the sex before marriage and the abortion issues there can be a very immediate effect on you and your boyfriend, and your relationship.

He is against pre-marital sex, but what is your stance on it: you have had sex before, but how would you feel about waiting until marriage if it was with him? If he does not want to have sex before marriage, then it is a fact you will have to deal with, if you do not want to wait until marriage to have sex, then you may need to reevaluate your relationship, is it more important to be in this relationship, or more important to have sex before marriage?

As per the abortion, it is important to let him know how you feel. If he does not want you to abort any pregnancy that he causes, then the only way he can do this is to not have sex with you. He needs to realize that once you have sex, if a pregnancy occurs, it is your body, and it is your decision to remain pregnant or to not.

Ultimately, you will need to work on and talk about these things with your boyfriend. If the relationship is worth it then you can work to come to a solution to your differing stances, if it is not worth it, then perhaps it is time to scrap the relationship. Only you and your boyfriend can know what will work for you. But, these issues are not worth ruining a relationship over. If you and your boyfriend work together you should be able to figure out a solution.

EDIT: oops I started replying before the other posts were posted, good to see that you have found a solution [Smile]

[ 02-22-2011, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]

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Heather
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Just FYI on the potentially marrying this guy?

Married women terminate pregnancies, too. In fact worldwide, it's somewhere around half of all abortions that occur for married women. That's because being married or not usually isn't the only thing women consider when choosing to remain pregnant and give birth or not, and marriage by itself doesn't mean every pregnancy will be wanted or feasible.

So, I'd say that's a pretty big deal to think about: if you're comfortable having a sexual relationship with someone who may not handle pregnancies well, especially if, for whatever reason, you'd choose not to remain pregnant. I think it's also always just worth thinking about how you feel able getting very close -- especially sexually -- to anyone who doesn't support a level of autonomy for your body that they do and have for their own.

You also probably want to check in to see how he feels about family planning and contraception, especially if your life plans don't include ten kids: a lot of people who are anti-abortion are also anti-contraception.

[ 02-23-2011, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Midnight Sun
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His whole basis for his stance against abortion is that he feels there are so many couples who can't concieve, to abort a baby would be wasteful or selfish. I tried explaining to him I don't feel there is any virtuosity or heroics in keeping an unwanted child, and that the foster care system isn't as great as he may think it is. My brother-in-law has been through the foster care system and it's no picnic.
He also strongly believes a the BEST way to raise a child is with a mother and father together. Which brings us to why he doesn't want to have sex before marriage. He says he'll never do anything which could potentiay get a girl pregnant because kids need to be raised with both a mom and a dad.

I know I have to figure all this out for myself, but just having a place like this to talk about it helps. Thanks for letting me vent. And thank you Heather for creating Scarleteen. this is truly a great place.

Anyway, there are both great, and negative aspects to this relationship, and I just need to figure out how to weigh them. We also probably need more discussions on the topic.

I also guess the big underlying issue for me is, I really would not like people telling me what to do in a situation like this,
and it's really a matter of respect. I don't think anyone has
the right to pressure someone into a pregnancy they don't
want or don't feel ready for. And the women who do choose
abortion are CERTIANLY not bad peole or wrong in any regard.

Anyway, thanks guys.
Also, this guy has led a pretty sheltered and privileged life so far. I sort of think he needs a reality check in some areas.

[ 02-23-2011, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: Midnight Sun ]

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Heather
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Sounds like, on the reality check.

You might also want to point out that every year in the US alone there are usually over 100,000 children and teens in that system and who are not adopted. So, all those couples out there (though all is a tricky word, since way, way more people can than those who cannot)? Many of them are not adopting, but instead using services and technologies to try to conceive it sounds like he might not even approve of.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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