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Author Topic: Second Chances?
Hatsworth
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I might've posted something before about my girlfriend being raped by her friend. So recently (didn't know til a week and a half later) she's been thinking she's not good enough and so she's talked to this friend. This friend would always talk and help her but eventually try to do horny things because we both feel like he doesn't care about her anymore. So he did it again but before my gf didn't let it happen cause she didn't want it but this time she just got horny and let it happen. She says she thinks because maybe that way she feels like something to him, and he seemed like the friend she had before, after it happens. Like she's told me before, she 'cant resist him' like if he asks her to do something she would do it. And when she's horny, she doesn't really think about anything else, and I don't know if that should be normal?

I know I care about her and she cares about me too, or else she wouldn't have told me and think she's not good for me. I have posted something before about her controlling me or something. She says she kinda likes how she is, not caring about other people in a sense. So she doesn't really want to change I know that. Maybe she doesn't want to not love her friend, cause I know that's a different kind of love, and he's made a huge impact in her life before me.

Heather told me before that maybe I should think about leaving her. But I don't want that guy to keep using her, cause I know she will go to him if we break up. I guess I want to 'fix' her even though I shouldn't think like that. I do care about her and don't know what to do. I don't want to break up with her and I feel like maybe I should if it hurts me.

Also when she asks why I stay with her, sometimes I'm kind of stumped, I do love her and she makes me happy, but is that enough? What more is there in a relationships? Advice please, thanks.

[ 02-04-2011, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Hatsworth ]

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skiesofgreen
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I'm sure one of the staff will be by with their input soon but I thought I might give you my two sense while I'm here.

Love and happiness are two very important parts any relationship, to be sure, but they are certainly not the only components nor does loving someone, or being happy with someone, mean that we are going to want/be in a position where it's a good idea to engage in any given type of relationship with that person.

I hear you saying that she in not in a place where she wants to care about other people right now, and mutual care and concern for each other, in my opinion, should be ground zero for any relationship, not only a romantic one.

If she's not in a place where she's able to care for you, or able to hold up the agreements you two made about this relationship (which, unless you had previously decided on a non-monogamous relationship model, she seems to not have been holding up) it may be that, despite loving her, this is not a time where a romantic relationship is a good idea for the two of you, and you should consider ending it.

Especially if she has been showing abusive behaviour, such as controlling you, I would urge you to seriously reconsider this relationship, because those actions are not healthy, and certainly not something that makes a good, healthy relationship.

Also I hear you saying that you want to fix her, and I think its important from the get go to realise that her problems are likely not something you can "fix." While I hear you describing a really difficult situation that she's found herself in, one that I think you have a right to be concerned about, it's important to know that unless she is willing to seek help (be that from counseling services etc.) and wants this situation to change there is little you may be able to do to help. So while you can definitely bring up your concerns to her about the situation she's in, I think it's important to remember that this not something you can "fix" and that to approach the situation in that way is probably not going to be incredibly helpful to her or healthy for you.

Furthermore, while I understand you not wanting this guy to use her, and while I really do think this is something to be concerned about, I think its fairly obvious from post that staying in a relationship with her is not going to stop that from happening. Also? Staying in a relationship with her for those reasons is not likely to be good for her or for you.

I'd seriously urge you to think about yourself right now --think about whether this is a healthy relationship for YOU, and what is good for YOU.

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Hatsworth
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Well I've been thinking, and talking to her. We're staying together, but we agreed that if she sees or talks to that friend that I will breakup with her(she will if I don't). I guess there's really no other conclusion? We both do care about each other, and this sounds like an okay answer.

Also it's not like she doesn't CARE about me it's just like she typically doesn't like people, finds them annoying, but she will help them.

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Heather
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Honestly? I find that kind of ultimatum really problematic and that doesn't sound healthy to me at all.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hatsworth
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Well I'm thinking my relationship is leading towards breaking up, and wouldn't that conclusion lead to that eventually? If it's not healthy but I'm happy for now, it's going to end soon anyways.
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Heather
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Here's the thing.

I feel certain you don't intend this, but that sounds to me like a way to try and control, with what is basically a threat, who someone talks to or socializes with, which is pretty much never healthy in a relationship. That's controlling.

This friend controlled and abused this girl one way. I am BY NO MEANS comparing what you've set up here as equivalent to rape, but it is another means of control when set up like this.

If you want to make any kind of agreement around this, I'd suggest that instead you talked to a partner about taking care of themselves and not putting themselves in danger, and about how it's important for you, in caring for them and protecting your own heart, for then to be invested in that, which would certainly include staying far away from someone they clearly know is dangerous.

If you want to put a boundary around that, you could ask if that person felt capable of that, and if they didn't, instead say that that is something you need from a partner in this kind of relationship for it to work for you, and then you both get to make a decision together -- not an ultimatum or threat -- around if this person does feel that's something they can do and wants to do. If she felt she couldn't do that or didn't want to, then you'd both just agree this relationship is not going to be a good fit for the two of you and could part amicably.

Obviously, too, if this is also about you wanting a sexually exclusive relationship and her either not wanting that or feeling able to make that kind of commitment, that's another area where it's just about seeing if you both can agree to what each person needs and wants to, and if not, both choosing to move on.

Do you see the difference?

Lastly, I'd suggest that rather than framing the relationship as something that has it's own actions -- it doesn't, a relationship you're in can't start or end without you, you two make some active decisions around this. If you're at a point where you just feel like one or both of you is going to be passive until something happens or doesn't, the relationship already IS over, in which case you want to treat each other with care and respect and be active in that.

If you're not at that point, then I'd suggest talking about this more in the kinds of ways I suggested and seeing where that gets you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hatsworth
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Well I talked and argued with her about our relationship, her relationships, and her caring about anything.I guess I was sort of accusing her of not caring enough about things, about us, about other people. I feel like it is mostly her fault. We wanted to have sex soon but thinking we might break apart soon, I had an idea of not having sex even if we really wanted, because it would be horrible to take her virginity and eventually leave. So i said that to her and she thinks i'm planning to breakup, and I'm not plannign to but I feel like it's heading there, should I just be breaking up with her? She says she would manage with losing another relationship, cause she says people usually end up hating her and telling her she doesn't care enough. She says when she does, she tells them but they don't believe her and she doesn't care enough to try and convince them?

Should I just be breaking up with her and trying to get her out of my life? I do love her and I don't think I can get her out of my life and I don't want her to just hate everything and not care. She already thinks shes a whore and that people think and say that (but she doesn't care?). But I don't know what to do. I'm thinking break up is the sensible thing to do but I don't want her out of my life, though it feels like it wouldn't work at all to have her in my life.I don't want her to be destroyed :/ like I don''t want her life to be a mess and I don't want her to not care about erverything, but iguess i ahve no power?

[ 02-09-2011, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: Hatsworth ]

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Heather
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Before I say anything else, are you figuring that you are either her boyfriend and in her life, or you're not and thus must be out of her life? In other words, are you figuring that something like being her close friend, not her boyfriend, isn't an option?

Can I also ask why it is that you're kind of setting yourself up as having the power to destroy this person if you decide not to continue dating her? It's sounding like you're suggesting that it's your job, all by yourself, to hold her up and try and care for her in a way that it doesn't sound like she's able to care for herself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hatsworth
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She usually doesn't like most people. But if we were dating, we must be close, so if we break up, she would still love me and we feel like it wouldn't work well in the end. Like we would still be like friend with benefits or something and she would still have feelings for me. And it's not so much the power to destroy her it's like I brought her up a bit, and if I'm not dating her she will just go back down. she thinks if she didn't meet me, she would probably just go around being a whore and not caring about anything. I guess I feel like she can't care for herself, in a way that's healthy. She says she would be able to manage, but when she says that, I'm just thinking she'll go back to being before she met me, not caring and letting people touch her etc.
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Heather
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You can't -- none of us can -- control how someone will or will not behave when they are not with us. Not ever.

As well, I think it's really unhealthy for either of you to view you being in a romantic or sexual relationship with her as basically what "fixes" her. You don't have the power to do that, and that's okay, because you shouldn't. You're not her therapist, but even more so, you aren't her. If she doesn't want to think or behave the ways she has in the past, then she needs to choose differently and needs to work on those things for herself.

You also aren't her caretaker.

What you need to decide -- alone and together -- is if you want to be, and can be her partner and then what that means. And I'm talking about a partnership of equals, where both people have the desire and ability to care for each other and to care for themselves. That's the barest basics. There's more after that, but if you know or think either of you can't even have that, then you have to know you can't have a healthy romantic relationship or even a healthy friendship.

You sound very concerned with her ability to take care of herself and seem very worried. If this is as dire as it sounds, have you talked to other people in her life, like her family or friends, about this so they can be part of helping her get support and work on taking care of herself as a group of supportive people?

(Just FYI, please don't call people whores here. It's not okay.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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As a side-thought, I wonder if before you and I talk again, if you and your girlfriend could each look at this article and do some evaluating of your relationship together with it. I think it might help and also might inform our discussion a lot better: Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hatsworth
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Well I talked to my older cousin about this and she basically told me the same things as you, that I'm not responsible for what happens if we break up, I shouldn't be holding her hand, just guiding her where to go. That if she isn't willing to change, that I shouldn't let myself be dragged down. So now I'm planning to tell her tonight that we need to talk, break up tomorrow (my bday, irrelevant but wanted to add that), give her a week and sort things out when we meet again. My cousin said I shouldn't talk to her or barely, to give some space and time to let go. Is there anything else to add?
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Heather
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I think your cousin has the right idea.

And space after a breakup is also a very sound idea. You can also make that space by making clear that's what you're doing. In other words, rather than just breaking up and going silent, you can use words to express that you want a few weeks without communication so that you both can grieve, process your feelings and get used to being apart before you talk again.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hatsworth
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Well everything is screwed up but thanks for the help.
Posts: 47 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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