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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Really insecure/delusional over non-issues (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Really insecure/delusional over non-issues
Ketrel
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To explain this better, let me give an example. Tonight was supposed to be a date night with my girlfriend. We were going to watch some stuff I downloaded and have few drinks, and just have fun. However, she then told me her stomach had been bothering her, and that I was free to go hang out with her at her college, but we couldn't really do the planned date night.


I convinced myself that this was just an excuse and that it was just a pretense such that she could break up with me without me having to drive her back (her car was plowed in from the asinine the school plows their parking lot).


This was of course not accurate in the least. We went to the school sponsored buffet there, and even with a small amount of food, she said it really was irritating her stomach, so everything was exactly as it had been stated.


This is not the first time I've convinced myself of things like this. I keep doing it to myself. There haven't been any fights or anything of that nature. We get along great. The only thing really tangible I have to back any thoughts of this nature is that she had told me once with her ex, that she had began to think of him more as a brother than a boyfriend.


I just can't stop convincing myself of things like this. I'm afraid to tell her any of the above, mostly because I don't want to burden her with any of this since it's always proved to be inaccurate, and partly because I'm afraid doing so might trigger the very type of even I am convincing myself is going to happen.


What I can say is I truly love her with all my heart, and would do anything I could for her to make her happy. If she did every break up with me, I would be devastated beyond measure, so when I convince myself of this, I feel really depressed and sick until it's proven otherwise.

[ 01-29-2011, 03:46 AM: Message edited by: Ketrel ]

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Heather
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Can I ask if you think you're really up to handling an intimate relationship right now, at this time in your life?

Just want to put that out there and lead with that. We're not always: sometimes, for any number of reasons, it's just too much for us to deal with and we may, instead, need to either focus on something else, or put that time and energy into ourselves so we can get to a point where it's all less scary and less triggering.

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Ketrel
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I can't say for sure whether I am or not, all I can say is I wouldn't trade what I have for anything.

On a second note, I asked this at a much less reputable place last night as well. There were many replies, though only one was really serious, but it really hit hard.

They said: "It's because you know she's out of your league, and you know you'll never find anyone like that ever again."

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Heather
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I'm not a fan of that "out of your league" stuff. I don't think of people as being in hierarchies when it comes to interpersonal relationships like that, so it just doesn't grok with me. I also think thinking of relationships that way is a fine recipe for lousy relationships.

Can you maybe think a bit more about your being in the right headspace/lifespace for this or not? Is it something you've thought about before at all?

Being very intimate with someone makes us pretty vulnerable. Sometimes we might feel very safe in that and ready for that: other times, even if the other person is awesome and is safe, themselves, we might not, including, for sure, times when we're just not in the right places in our own hearts and heads to handle that vulnerability.

I don't hear you expressing feeling secure in yourself or your relationship. So, I think it might help to try and suss out where that's coming from, and to try and make sure you're in a space where you CAN feel secure in it, and handle moments of insecurity well.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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If that's how you're saying I should gauge if I'm in the right state of mind, then I'd have to say I'm not and never will be.
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Heather
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Can you tell me why you think you never will be? I think we should talk about that.

However, I think that if you know you are not right now, you should rethink being in a relationship right now. I'd say that of any of us. If we know we can't handle something that's optional -- and that requires us being able to handle it -- it's not sage to go ahead and do it anyway. Maybe sometimes we won't be sure and then will try and find out later that we can't handle it, and if and when that happens, we need to then either opt out for the time being and do the work for ourselves we need to, or, if it's possible to stay in in a way that still benefits everyone, do that work while we're in it. Know what I mean?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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I've done it to myself my entire life. It's not a new thing. I'm 24, and I've been like this as long as I can remember. However there's never been something I've not want to lose as much as this before, which is the only reason it's bothering me now.

I don't foresee it going away, so I cannot judge my ability to be in a relationship based on that. Otherwise, I'll never be able to be in one.

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Heather
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Ketrel, I have to head out for the day, but I want to make sure you know that our "whole life" when we're in our early twenties really is still only a fraction. Because you've felt like this to date does not mean you always will.

What that is largely going to depend on, though, is helping yourself with this and working to forge positive change. Have you ever gotten any counseling, therapy, or done other kinds of work/gotten other kinds of help around this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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Problem there is, without the anonymity that the web provides, I wouldn't even be talking about this here. I can't and won't in person. There is only one person I'm close enough to talk about anything like this, and that's my girlfriend. (We were close friends prior to that). And even with her, I can't bring this up for obvious reasons.
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Stephanie_1
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You know, a lot of what this is really comes down to knowing when you need help and truthfully being willing to get that help even when it means something that's difficult at first. I'm seeing two different sides, one being can't and one being won't. To be clear, you CAN get in-person help with this. It isn't easy, isn't generally very much fun, but certainly doable. For instance, you can find someone to talk with, can do so many times for little or no cost, can find a way to get there. Those are can's. They may not be easy, but they're doable.

So what's it's ultimately coming down to is that at this point it's a won't, not a can't. And it's something that working toward positive change is going to take some time and really ultimately is going to mean being willing to ask others for help. Yes the internet can be somewhat anonymous, but it's still in a lot of ways not. And talking to someone professionally about something like this, the only person to know is the one you talk with, so it's really not much less anonymous. But it also means you being willing and ready to ask for that kind of help.

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Britster
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Does your college have any counseling services for students? If so, I really recommend that you go. (They do have to maintain professional standards of not sharing information about you, so don't worry about that) It seems to me that you may have issues with feeling secure in relationships, and unchecked it can damage your relationships.
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Ketrel
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I'm currently not enrolled, the only therapist I'm able to talk to is the one my family goes to. However, I never felt comfortable talking to him, and there's not really any other options since I don't have a job and I'm not enrolled.

Also I wasn't saying I can't find someone to talk to, I was saying I can't talk to them. I never feel comfortable actually talking to them and I have always ended up changing subjects to trivial stuff whenever I try.

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Ketrel
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I want to add, I want to stop thinking like that. I love her. I want this to work. (As it actually is, I just keep convincing myself that it can't possibly be, even though it is).
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Britster
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Well, I don't know if it's true for your girlfriend's college, but at my college, the counseling services will help couples together so long as one of them is currently enrolled. As long as you are comfortable talking about such issues in front of your girlfriend, that could be a viable option.

If I may point out: you are talking about it here to complete strangers in hopes we can help you. Perhaps you would be able to talk to a therapist who will definitely be able to help. And don't worry, it takes everyone a while to trust and open to therapists. The very fact that you avoid the topic in conversation indicates that it is a very sensitive topic for you, all the more reason to get help dealing with it.

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May Day
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you know, when i've had really difficult things i need to talk about and work through but found utterly impossible to say aloud, i've written it down for my counsellor to read and go from there. You could very well print out this thread to take to a counselling session with you to bridge the discomfort
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Heather
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If it helps, Ketrel, know that an awful lot of us here totally understand what it feels like to try and talk about something that is very difficult to share, disclose and discuss.

I get it: it can be really daunting, and often the longer you keep it in and don't address it, the harder it gets.

But I doubt you would have posted here if you really, truly thought you had no choice but to live your whole life feeling like this. I also doubt you would have posted here if you wanted to spend your whole life feeling like this. Obviously, if you do, that's your right, so give a shout and I won't try and help in the ways I am.

But if you don't, why don't we talk about your options? Talk therapy is a good one, and you may have more options in getting that than you know about now, but it's also not the only one.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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The problem with therapy is that I do not like discussion issues like this in person. It makes me exceedingly uncomfortable.

The only reason I'm able to do it here is because first off, none of you know who I really am, and secondly, this interaction isn't taking place in person.

If there's any way to talk to a therapist in such a form, I'd be glad to try that, but I've yet to see one other than talking to people who volunteer to give their time to help people such as here.

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Heather
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A lot of therapists now offer telephone sessions and/or sessions via Skype. Do you think you might feel comfortable with something like that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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It's possible it would, but I can't say for sure. In text, I'd have no problem, but even talking, it's always been difficult to talk about anything of that nature, and when I have been able to, it's usually been in text.

In fact, I'm sad to say, the only times I've ever actually been able to talk about issues such as these in person to someone is when I've been drinking.
(Usually a silly drunk, so not even often then.)

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Heather
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So, it's sounding to me like something else you probably need to do for yourself is to learn to be able to talk to people about difficult feelings or issues. If you can't do that, that's yet one more huge barrier to healthy and fulfilling relationships and to feeling good about yourself.

For the record, I think it's safe to say it's difficult for all of us to talk about some of our deepest and most vulnerable stuff. It's not like that's just easy-peasy for anyone. The thing is, even though it is difficult and is uncomfortable, we all need to push ourselves to do it sometimes. Otherwise, we aren't likely to grow and also aren't likely to be able to deeply connect to others.

If you need to take baby steps to get to that, okay, but clearly you're going to have to take SOME steps outside your comfort zone if you don't want to stay stuck and stay feeling like you are.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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I'll be honest, posting for help here IS taking steps outside my comfort zone.

On the original subject matter, I guess a lot of it is because I can't understand why me. I mean we get along great, but so does she and a lot of people. I just can't understand what makes me different. I know from a physical standpoint, I'm not as fit as most of them. I just can't figure it out. So, I guess some of the underlying issue is I'm fearing she's going to notice this at some point.

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Heather
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I understand. How about this, then: let's you and I talk for a while and see where we can get with this, okay? What I'd like, from you, though, is some agreement that you're acknowledging that not only do you not have to feel like this your whole life, and that you recognize you can change how you think about yourself. Because if we can't start with that, talking about this is fairly fruitless, you know?

This girl likes you, right? I don't know what you mean about "noticing this," (I don't know what "this" is) but let's assume that whatever it is that makes you different from other people, she probably DOES notice, and either doesn't care or likes the ways that you're different from others.

You say that you deeply love her, but I'm wondering if you feel like you're ready to BE loved. Being able to love someone else doesn't always mean we're able to let others love us. Usually when we can't, the central issue is that we don't love ourselves, and thus, don't know how or believe that others can love us when we can't love ourselves.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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What I said above "I mean we get along great, but so does she and a lot of people. I just can't understand what makes me different. I know from a physical standpoint, I'm not as fit as most of them. "

Noticing that.
I feel like she's going to realize she gets along just as well with people who are more in shape etc, and then won't really see a reason I should be more than just another good friend.

I'll be honest, when a mutual friend had let me know that she did like me as more than a friend (and I had already known that I had feelings for her at that point), I was seriously surprised. Especially when he had told me that I was being pretty oblivious to her flirting with me for a month or so prior to him telling me.

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Heather
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Are you saying you think she'd choose you, or any other partner, based primarily on their level of physical fitness?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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No, not at all. I'm saying there are people she gets along with as well as she did with me, but who are in better shape. Those are the kind of people I can't understand why me over them.

If they didn't get along with her and she wasn't good friends with them, then how they looked wouldn't make the slightest difference.

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Heather
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I don't know many people who choose who they are going to be in a serious relationship with based on their physical fitness or how they look.

I also sincerely doubt you are the same in every way of everyone she knows save for your body. We're all unique individuals, and just because a partner gets along with other people as well as us doesn't mean they're all people they will have the same feelings for or want to be in a romantic relationship with.

Could you try and answer my question about if you feel ready and able to be loved? Do you think you can, in all honesty, believe and accept a partner loves you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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Yes I can. What's bothering me is that I guess I don't understand, why, and keep wondering if there's no reason, what's stopping it from ending abruptly without me possibly seeing it coming.
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Karybu
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quote:
Originally posted by Ketrel:
Yes I can. What's bothering me is that I guess I don't understand, why, and keep wondering if there's no reason, what's stopping it from ending abruptly without me possibly seeing it coming.

To put it bluntly, being ready to be loved and needing a reason as to why someone else likes or loves you (and constant reassurance that they do)? Those things tend not to go together. Emotions and attraction don't work like that, and we may not always even be able to articulate why we love someone or find them attractive.

Part of being really ready to let someone else in and be loved by them is trusting them when they say they love you, when they say they find you attractive and want to spend time with you. Even if you don't understand why, part of being ready to be really emotionally open like that is being able to believe them and trust them that they're being honest with you.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Heather
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You know, we don't always know exactly why we love and/or like someone, but we can usually speak to some of why. If you love someone as deeply as you say you love this girl, that means you're willing to open up to her and let her love you just as much. Maybe you can take another baby step, then, and voice some of your fears and worries to her, or even just ask her to tell you some of why she loves you because you're feeling insecure and would feel helped by knowing.

That said, relationships can and do stop abruptly sometimes, without us seeing it coming, for all kinds of reasons, even good relationships. Mind, when we have excellent (on both sides) openness and communication in a relationship and we really keep each other posted with what's going on with us, save things like deaths, that's not likely to happen. We're going to tell each other if and when we're unhappy. But again, that has to go both ways, and if we lock partners out of our hard stuff, we can expect they may be just as likely to do so in turn.

So, if you don't want to get blindsided, one thing you can do about that is to do things like try and talk about the feelings you are having with her. Not only do I bet it'll make you feel better, it's way better for your relationship and likely to make her feel better, because no being let in when someone we care about is scared or distressed feels pretty awful. I hear you worrying that if she finds out you feel this way, she'll up and leave.

However, my guess is that's way less likely than her leaving in time because you won't tell her how you're feeling. In other words, you feeling insecure about yourself probably isn't a dealbreaker, but a person hiding out emotionally often will be.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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We're supposed to have a date night friday. Though events are making it seem iffy if we won't have to reschedule. (And this was rescheduled itself from last week). I do want to tell her how I've been feeling, but I'm just really afraid of it not being taken well.

I mean, you're seeing this from outside and only hearing me, but how can I convince her that it's an issue I'M having and not that I don't trust her? I'm afraid it could come off as seeming like I said I don't even when I know it's me, and not her.

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Heather
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Well, as you've explained to me so far in our talks, you feeling like this isn't new, but something you have a long history with. So, I'd certainly talk about that. When we know someone's history with something predates us, it's pretty hard to take it personally.

You want to also make a point of using a lot of "I" statements when you talk, talking about your feelings, and owning them. For example, "I worry I'm not good enough for you because I don't feel good enough, period," rather than something like "I don't feel good enough for you," or "You make me feel like..."

I think you know, very solidly, this is about you, and that no matter who she behaved, you'd probably be feeling this way. For sure, that can make the other person feel awfully powerless, so I also think -- for both of you -- you need to start thinking about what YOU are going to do to work on this and express your motivation and plans to do that to her. Because frankly, if you're not going to do any work on this, this likely won't change which, to me, says you probably just can't handle an intimate relationship and it's probably not going to result in relationships that work for the other person, either. But since you CAN work on this and feel better over time if you do, that's not a death sentence. You just have to start doing it.

The other good news is that being honest about how you feel, even when it feels scary, is one really great step in that regard.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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I told her what I was worrying about, and how I was reading way too much into things (incorrectly).

She understood and assured me that it is just me over analyizing.

However, it hasn't seemed to do anything for the feeling of dread I keep getting. I am really at a loss for what I can do to help myself stop feeling this.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm glad you were able to talk, but sorry you find it had no impact on how you're feeling. I'm not at a loss, because I still feel strongly that you need and will benefit from some counseling. Are you by any chance willing to revisit that conversation?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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I'm not against it, I just don't have money to afford anyone other than our family one, and I don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything.
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Ketrel
Activist
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You mentioned telephone or skype. Do they do that pro bono, or is it still a paid service?
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