Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Dealing with getting stood up

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Dealing with getting stood up
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Djuna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, i have had a reasonably long standing crush on this Israeli guy I met through a friend in London. And while I was in America we IMed a little and I'd been looking forward to seeing him. Then the other day, i asked him a question about running an lgbt group (he runs one at his university), and he suggests we talk about it over dinner. It was kind of out of nowhere - i hadn't asked him anything that was going to take a long time to talk about - but I wanted the date, and we'd been meaning to meet up for a long time.

Jerk didn't show.

Does anyone have advice about how to deal with this kind of thing? I made the best of the rest of the evening - i had a walk in central London and found a great Chinese place that served baozi, steamed stuffed buns I'd only been able to find in China before, and then I went dancing with my friends. I was supposed to have an appointment with my counsellor this morning, so I figured at least I have that opportunity to talk it over, but she called in sick (which is fair enough, but it still feels sucky). I think my confidence has kind of taken a blow, I tend not to do well with abandonment-type stuff anyway. Bleh. Help me out here? x

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Do you know what happened? Has he called or otherwise communicated yet about not showing up?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68006 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Djuna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, the two of us were supposed to meet at 5.15 for dinner, we were going to a film screening he'd organised (as part of this LGBT society) at 7, and then possibly the group was going for drinks after. I don't know his area well, but I did know a landmark I could stand by that was within a "block" or so. I got there a little before 5.15, stood there for about half an hour, tried the phone number he gave me which didn't work (although it was an Israeli number, so I may have dialled wrong). I stood a while longer, and by then it was almost 6, and I wondered if he'd got the hour wrong, so I was going to wait until 6.15. And just by the by, it's very cold in London right now, which made it even more fun.

I was kind of bored, and eventually I went on Facebook on my phone, and saw he'd sent me a PM on there at 3.30 (so probably five minutes before I left my flat) asking if we were still meeting up (we'd arranged it pretty recently, on Monday). It's probably easier if I copy the messages in:

him (15.28)
are we still meeting today? x

me (17.51)
I thought so - not sure where you are?

him (19.00)
I'm at the [blank] building at [blank], screening will start soon..

me (19.20)
We were meeting for dinner at five fifteen, if you remember. I think i'll skip the screening.

him (20.06)
I messaged you and you didn't reply! Also i tried calling you but skype said the number wasnt valid.. I figured you forgot, I'm really sorry..

him (20.12)
I'm genuinely sorry.. Where are you?

me (20.29)
Well, i'm on a train home now. I went and got chinese food in soho and now I'm going dancing with my friends.

him (20.29)
I see.. I hope you're not too mad. I'm going to be around [blank] and possibly soho later on. Can we meet some other time? Have fun with your friends, sorry again.

-

So, bleh. I guess at least he apologized - I don't get that, knowing I live over an hour away, he thought an hour and three quarters before was early enough to send a message and expect me to reply if I wanted him to turn up. Also, he'd said he had class within a block or two of where we were meeting up to 5 - so he probably had to make a conscious decision not to check if I'd turned up. I mean, I don't want to pull him apart over this, and if he wants to meet up again, as he seems to, then I guess I want to be fair to him, but I'm just pretty meh'd out about the whole thing, y'know?

[ 01-27-2011, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: patrickvienna ]

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sounds to me like your wires just got crossed, really. I think you might possibly be letting your feelings of disappointment (valid) drive the car here when they're the passenger, if you know what I mean.

Mind, if you don't want to try and connect with this guy again, for any reason, you certainly don't have to, but I'd not take a one-time-miss like this too personally.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68006 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Djuna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I guess. I didn't see the 20.06 message until I looked it up to reproduce it here, either, which kind of changes the story. Am I under any obligation to message him to let him know not to worry (assuming I want to see him again), or should I wait for him to send some kind of follow-up?

Also, if I do meet up with him again, I want to be sure I've processed this properly so that I'm not just grumpy at him.

[ 01-27-2011, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: patrickvienna ]

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think I'd go ahead and close the communication transaction as it were, etiquette-wise. As in "It's okay, it happens," but nothing more than that if you don't want.

Again, not really sure how to help you process this because IME, this kind of stuff happens all the time with people (it gets worse as you get older, too, in my experience). But maybe for yourself, you want to check in with you quick you were to take it personally or to decide this person was a jerk?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68006 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Djuna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yeah, that's what I did, and I got a mass e-vite to his birthday next week. I might take him up on it, I haven't decided. If I do I'll probably take a friend, I guess.

I think if I'm honest I reacted badly to this because on some level I don't always expect that people are going to turn up to see me, or that I deserve for that to happen? My best friend in sixth form (11th and 12th grade) pulled this a lot, sometimes I'd be on my way to the train station to go visit her and I'd get a text with a lame excuse, and once at my flat the year I started university she said she was going to the bathroom, and when I wondered why she was taking a while it turned out she had run out of the door - she came back like half an hour later.

So I guess this guy not showing - while I'm really trying to wrap my head around him not turning up in a way that lets me forgive him - quasi-confirmed a lot of what I fear about myself: both that I'm not worth turning up for and, too, that it makes me a good person to take a long time travelling to find myself standing on a street waiting for someone who doesn't show.

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Djuna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So I had a class today that got cancelled, only the professor didn't email me because I'm only auditing that class, and I guess I'm not on the roster. I waited in the room by myself for about 20 minutes before I figured something was up. But the odd thing was I really wasn't surprised - I wasn't particularly frustrated that no one showed, it made a kind of sense to me. As if it's natural for people not to turn up to something including me (delusional, yep, but I'm just trying to figure what my though process was).

And then tonight I went to see Black Swan with my friend. I got on the bus and sat on the ground floor - she lives further along the route - and she happened to get on to the same bus. She paid, and she looked toward me, but her face was blank - she didn't register that she'd seen me. And then she went upstairs on to the top deck.

I was going to go after her and say hi, but then I thought maybe she didn't want to sit with me, and I should give her her space, so I texted her instead. And eventually she got it and came down, but the whole time I was trying to figure out why she wouldn't want to sit next to me. I was sure she had chosen not to (although rationally, I know that wasn't the case at all).

I don't want to keep second-guessing myself like this. This is exactly the state I got into in sixth form, with my friend in the post above - for a long time I never expected anyone to turn up to plans I'd made with them, and I got really paranoid. I think this guy not showing up has triggered a kind of return of that.

I'm worth showing up for. I must be. I am.

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You are.

I'd say more, but I really think that's all there is to it, and that that's your mantra for now, hopefully one you apply as much to other people as to yourself, if you catch my drift.

You are worth showing up for.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68006 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3