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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Girlfriend heading off to college...

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Author Topic: Girlfriend heading off to college...
Member # 52478

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I guess something like this is a common story, but I really haven't quite found much similar to my situation. So, my girlfriend is 17. I am 15. I'm a guy, but much more sensitive than most (I'm pretty sure I'm an HSP), and my girlfriend is well able to understand that. We were both virgins when we met. We hit it off instantly and we started going out about a month afterwards. We've had sex (and there's a whole nother problem about that too...), and so we've lost our virginities to each other.

Here comes the problem. I've fallen for her. It sounds stupid, superficial, saying it out loud, but I really love her. We have a wonderful relationship. We care deeply about each other and are content to freely share and withhold some things. Our relationship is healthy, but that's part of the problem. I really love her. And she really loves me. I'm her 7th boyfriend (hooray, lucky number 7...) and she tells me that she really loves me, and has told me that she feels that I'm "the one" for her. I feel that way too, but I'm just not sure.

I guess there's really two problems. First, I'm not sure if this can be really love for me. Everything tells me to never take my first relationship seriously. "It's just a crush," they say. But I really care about her. A lot. Much more than I could ever have imagined I was capable of. But I'm still scared because both our mothers married our fathers, their first boyfriends, and those didn't turn out so well...

The second problem is the fact that she's heading off to college soon. She wouldn't be going too far; she's applied only to in-state schools, but she may end up 3 hours by car from me. That's as good as halfway around the world when I've no car, and doubt I have the money to get one. What I'm really scared of is that one of us will change in our time apart, and we'll lose what we so cherish right now.

I'm torn because on the one hand, I cannot stand to lose her, yet on the other, I don't want to hold her back from the "full college experience." As I've said, we have an open relationship, and I've voiced my worries to her before. She understands, she feels the same way. She worries too. But she hopes as well. As proof of our devotion, I actually suggested we take a month-long break when she leaves, so we could experience other things. Me other girlfriends, her other college guys. But when she heard this, she broke down and I felt absolutely horrible for never once thinking that it could hurt her as much as it would me.

I don't know what I'm asking for. Help, affirmation, advice, some friendly words. Personal stories, personal experience. I just want someone out there to know what I'm going through and maybe offer me something they've come to learn throughout their life. Like I said, I'm only 15.

Posts: 14 | From: USA | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 20990

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Well, first reassurance: it is possible to have a healthy relationship with your first girlfriend which lasts for the rest of your life, or at least decades -- I know several couples who succeeded, including me. It's not a guaranteed failure, it's all in how you two approach and maintain the relationship. The first-rush-of-love infatuation will definitely fade, it always does, but whether the relationship fades is another matter. I'd be extremely surprised if a relationship started as young as 15 lasted, but it has happened to one or two couples I know who are now in their 60s or older.

Second, if you break up later because one of you changes or the relationship changes, you break up *later*. It's not at all a good idea to obsess about a future breakup now; it will lead to stupid behavior, and I know at least one person who broke up his relationship preemptively and regretted it. If you do change in such a way that you have to separate from each other, you will understand why you break up at the time, rather than the vague, unfocused fear you currently have -- there's no reason to borrow trouble from the future.

Your relationship might also turn into a different sort of relationship where you aren't going to spend the rest of your lives as a couple but still are friends and care about each other, and I've watched that happen to several couples I know, and that generally turns out pretty well, it's not a nightmare.

Third, long-distance relationships are stressful and difficult, but it's no reason not to try it if you both want to. It does require a *lot* of communication, just in order to keep you comprehending each other's lives. I did well with a several-year long-distance relationship after only three months of being together in person -- we're still together now after ten years -- but communication, even about stuff I was uncomfortable talking about, was key. You kind of have to force yourself to communicate, even about seemingly trivial day-to-day things which are on your mind, in a long-distance relationship -- because you don't "naturally" encounter the same events in your lives. I remember high long-distance phone bills; I probably should have gotten a flat-rate friends-and-family plan. Those were the days before cellphones.

I know at least one couple who broke up because their long-distance relationship was too stressful... then changed their minds a few months later and ended up getting engaged. I know others who ended up growing apart and eventually breaking up permanently. The ones who failed to communicate, however, *all* broke up.

Finally, I think you're having separation anxiety, which is normal, and not unique to sexual relationships even.

EDIT: I noticed your ages again, in particular the differential. Read this topic.

Consider at the very least that you may face a couple of years of legal restrictions on sexual activity with each other (depending on your state). Also do consider all the emotional questions posed in that thread.

[ 01-26-2011, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: N ]

Posts: 37 | From: USA | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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