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Author Topic: Help?
carly.
Neophyte
Member # 53299

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So... I'm not really sure how to ask this question... but I guess I'll just start from the top.

I'm 17, and I've never dated or even been asked out. I know that's not particularly abnormal, but I still feel a bit left out. I'm not really sure why this is... I've considered a number of different reasons... possibly that guys are somewhat intimidated by my intelligence (National merit scholar commendation, borderline genius IQ, top 2 percent of my class, 6 AP classes... etc.) I also have considered the fact that sometimes I act too much like 'one of the guys.' I like talking about movies and video games and never really about 'girly' things like..... The Notebook or Taylor Swift, I guess. I don't think I give off a particularly lesbian vibe (not that that's a bad thing by any means), but I'm not the most feminine either.


I have one particular guy friend that I know definitely has liked me pretty much all through high school (we're seniors now), but has never said anything, and its not like he hasn't had girlfriends before. (I know I could ask him out myself, instead of waiting, but I'm not really sure if I really like him or not... and that's a completely different topic).


I know its not 'weird' for a 17 year old to not ever have had a relationship, but..... I just feel like something's wrong with me....
I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother trying to talk to new crushes, because I just figure they'll similarly ignore anything past just a simple friendship.


The whole situation is completely confusing and stressing me out, and I know its far more complicated than what I've been able to explain here. I'm honestly not quite sure about most of it myself... but, maybe someone else has experienced similar and can help me feel less.... rejected and worthless? Because I'm getting pretty miserable being alone. [Confused]

[ 01-21-2011, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: carly. ]

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Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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Hi Carly, Welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling lonely and miserable. While it may seem like everyone else has dated at 17, that's totally not true. Some people just don't start dating until a bit later, and that's totally okay.

Are you involved in any organizations or clubs? Sometimes that's helpful in meeting people that have similar interests. It can be a great way of finding people you may work well in relationships with. Too? How about trying to pin down a little on how your feelings fit with your friend that you know likes you? May be a good place to start if you have some similar feelings. But know it's not weird and you're so not alone. Hang in there [Smile]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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Hi Carly [Smile] ,

I didn't date at all in high school and only really started seeing people in my 20's. It can be really hard to feel alone when other people are dating, but please don't think that anything is wrong with you. You have so much worth and you will meet someone, although it can take time. I reckon it can always be exciting to talk to new crushes and you never know, even if they're not interested in romance, you might end up being great friends. And they might be the one who introduces you to your next boyfriend.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Britster
Activist
Member # 48970

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I'm going to take a couple shots in the dark here, and please correct me if I'm way off.

I think that you may feel like you have to achieve to a certain standard in order to feel loved and valued. And I think that is why you listed your academic successes, but mentioned that you also feel worthless or rejected. Unfortunately, determining one's self-worth by success seems to be not limited to academic success, but also success in love, and I think that's the issue here.

The answer is not to get a happy relationship, but rather to become happy with yourself and how you are at the moment independent of any successes or failures. You are a worthwhile person intrinsically. Even if you didn't have a great academic record thus far and even though you don't have romantic admirers right now, you are a worthwhile person.

I was and to an extent still am in a similar position. Partly because of how I was raised and my own temperament, I often feel like I have to excel in order to have worth and be desiring of love. Worse still, I felt that I had to be the best at whatever I was involved in just in order to be passable. I used a far stricter measuring stick for myself than for people I knew. This was fed by some natural talents (I wouldn't consider myself an almost genius, but I did also get a National Merit commendation like you), and I didn't realize how self-critical and damaging my mindset was.

Unfortunately when I was seventeen, I was forced into a relationship, which wouldn't have been possible if I had a healthier attitude of self-worth. The relationship nearly destroyed me and crushed any feelings I might have had of self-worth: he would call me stupid among other names (ironic since he dropped out of high school).

That's why I felt like I should respond to this because I'd hate for you to have to go through all that. Don't sell yourself short and go for the first person who shows any interest. And don't feel trapped in a bad relationship because you don't feel like you are worth better or can find better.

And just so my story has a happy ending, when I was nearly twenty, I got involved in a healthy relationship with a great supportive (and really intelligent)guy who accepts me as I am. And even more importantly, I am able to feel more worthwhile independent of what I do or don't do.

I hope this helps.

Oh and here are some links:
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfulness/2009/04/a-mindful-way-to-boost-self-esteem/ (you might also want to look into articles on perfectionism as well on this website- they have tons of good stuff).

http://www.eatthedamncake.com/2011/01/18/nerd-girls-rule/ (just for fun)

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