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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Stick it out? Or run?

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Author Topic: Stick it out? Or run?
sweetheart12
Neophyte
Member # 43373

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I guess I need some advice. I'll try to keep this short. Any help you guys are willing to give is awesome - the help I get here is always so good!

I've been dating this guy since just before Christmas.
It started out with a lot of texting, a lot of late night MSN conversations, webcam conversations, and going out 2-3 times for the first few weeks. We hit it off so well, we had awesome conversations and he was always texting me and asking me what I was up to, if i wanted to go for coffee, what I wanted to do next.

It was so exciting.

Now, it seems that since University/College has started back up, everything has sort of died down a bit. I still get some messages from him asking how I'm doing or what I'm up to. But we don't talk on cam or msn as much. The test message convos have shortened. He still asks me to hang out, but now, it's down to once every 6 days.

We finally kissed just a few dates ago, on the 6th or 7th date. We've spent a few hours making out, and have fooled around some, but not had sex. I didn't want him to lose respect for me.

When we're together we laugh and smile and snuggle and cuddle and he holds my hands to warm them up and he kisses me goodbye and such. He seems to know what to do. He has bought me coffee several times as well.

But, he did admit to me that he went out with another girl. I don't know if he's seen her more than once, or if he intends to. I don't know if he's dated anyone else. What I do know is that his ex just added him back on facebook and he accepted. He told me he snooped her profile. She cheated on him back in october and that's why they broke up. He did tell me he has no intentions of going back to her.

I guess what I'm wondering, is do I have the right to be upset that he is dating other people? I really like him, but I know that we're not in a relationship.

Should I be worried that the hanging out and the messages have dwindled a bit? He did tell me that he thought school would be the biggest thing between him and I hanging out. I would message him more, but I usually wait for him to start convos - I don't want to seem needy or push him away. I want him to think I have a life outside of him (which i do) and that I'm not desperate.

I don't quite know how to play it anymore. I'm not good at this dating thing. I really like him. He told me he likes spending time with me. Is this a hoax? Or is it true?

Are there any signs I could watch for that would indicate I should start running? Or, are they already there?

Am I missing anything? Overrreacting?

Any help you could give would be wonderful!

Thanks!

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*Sweetheart12*

Posts: 35 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you two have talked about being exclusive in any way, correct? That given, you can feel however you want about his seeing other people (and it's understandable you're upset) but I don't see that he broke any agreements you two had in any way. However, I don't see that he's being dishonest when he says he likes you and likes spending time with you - has he done or said anything to make you think that's not true?

It does seem to me that now would be a good time to sit down with him and have a chat about this. There's no need to make any decisions about "running" - you've only just started dating this guy - but knowing what he wants, and getting a chance to put out there what you want can't do any harm. I wouldn't worry about scaring him off, either: in any kind of relationship, dating or otherwise, it's always best to be who you are and be up-front about your needs and wants. There's never any guarantee that the other person will feel the same way, but it's not your responsibility to shield them at all. If this guy feels that he doesn't want what you want (and that may happen) then he can act accordingly, but unless you're honest about how, then he doesn't have all the information necessary to make that decision, which isn't fair.

Does that all make sense?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Britster
Activist
Member # 48970

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It seems to me that you would prefer a more exclusive relationship whereas he would prefer more noncommittal and nonexclusive relationships. This could lead to problems later on. Plus with his priorities, it might be better to take it back to a friendship so no feelings get hurt. However, it all boils down to what you want in your life right now.
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sweetheart12
Neophyte
Member # 43373

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Karybu - you are completely right, there was never any exclusive conversation. He hasn't broken any deals or done anything I asked him not to do.
So, in a way, i don't have the right to be mad if he dates other girls. I am sad about the fact that he is though.

He probably has been honest in the fact that he likes spending time with me. He hasn't done anything to make me think otherwise. He treats me well. But, this dwindling of conversations, the lengthening of time between dates, the fact that i know he's seeing other people - makes me start to worry a bit. The little bit of shadiness really isn't necessary i guess.

If i didn't like him, I wouldn't be thinking twice about this. But I do like him, and I do want him in my life. However, I know that if he's not interested in me that way, I won't be friends with him. There was never a friendship to start in the first place.

I just wish there wasn't any wishywashyness. I do know that I can't control his actions, only my own. I debate all the time as to whether I should tell him what I'm really feeling or not. But, I'm a bit afraid to hear an answer I don't want. But, there's also nothing I can do about that.

Is it reasonable to think that maybe he really is just busy? Maybe he does like spending time with me but getting close has him freaky? Or, is it super true that if he really liked me, there would be more effort?

He put ALOT of effort in in the first several weeks. Now, it's starting to drop off. How does that make sense?

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*Sweetheart12*

Posts: 35 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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Ultimately, trying to figure out how someone else is feeling or thinking is only going to get you so far, because no one knows except that person. If I were to hazard a guess, I would say that maybe he isn't looking for an exclusive relationship right now, but again, that's just a guess, and if you want to know, you really need to talk to him.

I know it sucks (I think everyone has been in your position at least once) and it hurts, but there are lots of times in our lives when someone we're interested in either doesn't return those feelings, or has decided for some reason that a romantic relationship isn't ideal for them at that particular time. It's not fun, but it does happen, and if that's going to be the outcome here, then putting off talking about it isn't going to change that, it's just going to drag out the amount of time and energy you put into thinking about this, y'know?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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sweetheart12
Neophyte
Member # 43373

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I know what you're sayin'. Thank you!.

Any suggestions for how I could go about bringing this up to him?

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*Sweetheart12*

Posts: 35 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd suggest just being direct. You know you want an exclusive relationship right now. So, you can ask him if that's what he wants (and if he says yes, you can talk about that, if he says no, see below), unless you know he doesn't, which it sounds like you do.

If you know he doesn't and you do, then the conversation to have is about you simply stepping away from a romantic or sexual relationship from him right now just because you know you don't want the same things when it comes to exclusivity.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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