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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » problems with bf's ex gfs. anyone welcome to add advice! both users and staff!

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Author Topic: problems with bf's ex gfs. anyone welcome to add advice! both users and staff!
laceyxo
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Hello again, guys!
I have been in need of a little bit of advice lately- okay since me and my bf started dating in march.
Okay well I've had boyfriends before him and hes had girlfriends but he was my first serious boyfriend while we were both each others first loves.

We've broke up twice, once was his doing because he just wanted to be with his friends and the second time was mutual because we were so stressed out with other aspects of our lives like school and family so we took a break.
I've always had this weird paranoia about his exs, though. He's really nice guy and hes not mean to them and will talk to them if they talk to him which freaks me out because I know for a fact they've all still liked him at one point of our relationship.

Well the first time we broke up, he talked to the ex before me about a week or two out of our relationship after he had assured me things between them were done. Mind you, I forget nothing when it comes to things like that and that can be a good and bad thing at times.

They didn't meet up or see each other, but just the fact that she contacted him after shed seen we were over on fb really hurt and worried me.
It wounded my trust with him, but needless to say, he said he liked me more than her and that he still loved me so we got back together about 3 weeks after the break up.

During our second time around, I received news that another one of his exs still liked him and was completely bummed when we got together in the first place because she was about to start talking to him. She had even posted somewhat flirtatious formspring questions and Facebook wallposts to both of which he never responded because he was "complete over her". But she would text him after we broke up the first time too. But once we got back together, all contact with them stopped.

When we were back together after the first breakup, we went to a local fair and two of the girlfriends showed up too. One of them I have absolutely no problem with because i guess she just doesn't pose as a threat because she doesn't talk to him anymore and has had other boyfriends. But the other one was the one that still liked him and she came up to us and was completely flirting with him and he was really trying to get away from her while she tried to hug him in front of me. I made my presense known and told him we should go get some food in order to get out of the awkward situation. Me and him laughed about it when we walked away but she kept popping up the whole night and pointing at him and smiling while he didn't even notice but i did and it was just over the top the way she tried getting his attention when she very well knew that i was there and his girlfriend.

WELL the second time we broke up a few months later, i had found some messages from the first girl who he hadn't seen on his facebook and was completely hurt, even though we were broken up. Once again, they never met up and they haven't seen each other in over a year but still the fact that she contacted him after we broke up was just unbelievable.

Meanwhile, I told him that we needed to stop talking in order to take a true break. I told him we needed to not contact each other for a month in order to see what we wanted. 8 days into it though, he was texting me constantly and i tried my hardest to ignore them but I had gone through a tough situation when we weren't talking so it was nice to speak to him again. He had missed me and was expressing his deepest regrets because while we weren't speaking, he had gotten really drunk a lot in order to just forget about what was going on between us and two of his exs (the one i'm not threatened by and the one from the fair) were with him and his friends one night. He kissed her at the end of the night and word got back to me which killed like a bitch.

I told him how upset I was, which was hypocritical because a guy had kissed me within those 8 days too, except I had no feelings for him and it wasn't the lips.

He told me that if he was sober, he wouldn't have done it and that he has no interest in her but i don't believe it.
After about 2 months, we worked out our problems with each others (not the exs) and we're together again.
Problem is, though, I CANNOT stop thinking about the things hes done or said to his exs. Even before we ever met. All these events that have happened while we were broken up have caused me to obsessively think that I'm just another girl to him and that he has had these feelings before so when we hurt each other, he doesn't care because he's gone through heartbreak before.
It's gotten to the point that I constantly look at their profiles on social network sites like twitter and facebook and whenever they post something about heartbreak or a good day with a wink face, i constantly think it's about him. He hasn't spoken to either of them since the time he kissed the one, but it still gets to me.
I even found the one from the fair who he kissed talking openly about mine and his relationship on tumblr because people were tlaking about how they kissed. That hurt and I eventually messaged her saying that she needs to grow up and learn that me and him are together and we aren't changing that status anytime soon and told her that if she had a problem with that, she'd have to deal with it and stay out of our lives because we honestly don't need that petty high school drama to deal with. We're both non-confrontational people when it comes to drama, but when someone upsets me and openly posts things about my relationships with my boyfriend, I'll definetly post about it.
She posted back saying that she was over him and stuff but she didn't get that if she was, she shouldn't have posted them in the first place.

I don't bring it up to him, but he knows they get to me so when he wants to joke around and make me mad, he calls me their names and it really just makes my heart hurt. I've expressed this to him but he thinks it's just all fun and games.
I know/hope he wouldn't leave me for them because he hasn't in the past, just started talking to them after we broke up, but it still is always a thought in my mind.
I don't know how to shake this obsessive behavior of mine and I really just want to put them in the past because that's how i felt before any of this happened.
we're talking tonight on the phone about it because i'm so desperate to have these feelings disappear.
Please, any advice on how to stop being so paranoid and to stop being obsessed about what they're doing?
I know it sounds like I have trust issues and I'll admit that I have a little bit of them, but I know he'll never cheat on me. I'm just scared to death he'd leave me for one of them.

Posts: 42 | From: Indiana | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(lacey: I can't get to this post myself tonight, but I wanted to make sure you knew it was seen, and someone will get to it by tomorrow morning. Sorry for the wait.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
laceyxo
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No problem! I do have an update on our call tonight, I called him because he forgot when he was on his way home from his friends and he answered with "what's up bitchx?" which he jokes around but I really don't think it's funny, nor do I know how he wants me to humanly react to that. So I was silent and he thought i hung up but I said it wasn't nice and he freaked out and said all I am is negative and I'm always nagging because I'm always upset but really I've been song the past week and a half and I keep telling him to just let my moodiness pass because I know I can be a bitch and I get upset when he ignores me/doesn't answer when hes with his friends and he was making it sound like he's going to end things if I don't stop getting upset but idk how to stop because I feel cornered into acting how he wishes me to act and Im willing to compromise but he thinks that there's nothing to compromise, I just need to change my emotions.

I really feel like Ive gone crazy and I'm sick of going to bed crying or waking up crying and I just want everything to be okay but when he says it is after he tells me things like that, I still don't feel okay and by that time hes not up for talking. Ugh idk what to do!

Posts: 42 | From: Indiana | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm going to check back in in the morning (if we have power: we have snow, which can sometimes mean it goes out), but if you check back here before I'm back, I want you to check in with yourself and think about if you are done with this relationship.

In other words, I'm hearing a lot that sure sounds like you being really unhappy, again and again, like a pretty lousy relationship between you two, and like you potentially hanging on to something you may, in fact, feel done with.

So, ideally, before we talk about this, it'd be great to know if you really WANT a relationship like this, and if so, why, OR, if you really don't and want something different and...well, a whole lot better. Okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
laceyxo
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I want this relationship to work out more than anything. And I really think a lot of it, lately, has been my overwhelming anxiety problems. I've noticed how quick i am to get frustrated and angry, and I take a lot of it out on him.
We talked in person today and it was very relaxed and we spoke about how we both have faults but we need to compromise in order to stay happy. So, i'm pretty sure we'll get past this point in our relationship because I'm able to admit that I was wrong because i keep getting mad at him for stupid reasons, and he didn't even have to tell me for me to notice. my MOM had to tell me.
but the real problem that continues to go on in my head is how to deal with his exs.
I feel like i'm being completely obsessive with making sure they stay back because to be quite honest, i don't think they understand the concept that is me and him are in a relationship and we're not planning on ending it anytime soon.
I've told the one who kissed him this, like I said in the previous post, but not the other one that REALLY threatens me/intimidates me because he hasn't seen her in so long (i feel like feelings will come back if they see each other) i don't know how to express to someone i don't talk to nor see that i'd appreciate it if they stopped posting pictures and tagging him in them on facebook, which she has, saying how much she loves and misses him. :/

Posts: 42 | From: Indiana | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Britster
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Personally I don't think that you alone can make sure that the exes stay away from your relationship. Your boyfriend does need to be involved in making boundaries. And maybe he has, but obviously these boundaries still do not make you comfortable. It is indeed a problem if you don't feel secure in this relationship.

I suggest that you talk to your boyfriend about it. He can't just passively ignore the situation.

It might also help to ask yourself what sorts of behaviors and relationship dynamics would help you feel more secure. Some of it may be within the relationship, but some might more applicable to you personally. If you had an absent parent or something like that, the need for security might be something that has been overemphasized in your life.

Anyways, I hope things go well with you!

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laceyxo
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We gave and once she started tagging him in the old pictures she posted, he untended himself but she still posts statuses like shes sad about me and him and I feel like I honestly can't do or say anything about it without felling like some psycho girlfriend.
We have established boundaries which he obeys all the time when were a couple but these girls just don't know how to take "I'm taken, stop" for an answer. It's really starting to get on my nerves
One thing I will point out is that whenever I tag him in a fb post about the awesome day we had, it sparks a whole bunch of sad statuses from them, which I can't help but be happy that they're seeing were together, but i alsofeel that they push the boundaries that much more because they have the advantage of knowing more of his friends than I do because we go to different schools. The one with the pictures is best friends with his girl best friend and I often see her friends trying to talk to him and be friends, which I guess I'm okay with but not when those are the same people who posted "you should have dated (insert picture girls name here) instead" on our changed relationship status. He deleted it out of respect for my feelings and kept the conversation away from her name but it still makes me squirm to think how many of their mutual friends say things like that.
I personally find it rude and disrespectful but once again, while e just deletes the posts and moves on, I want to tear out these peoples throats for saying anything in the first place like I did with the girl who posted about our relationship on her blog.

Girls can be so catty. -_-

Posts: 42 | From: Indiana | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Britster said what I would have very well.

And everyone can feasibly be catty, not just girls or women. If you don't think these girls understand you're in an exclusive relationship with this person that isn't going away, time will likely take care of that all by itself, too, so long as he is also making his own boundaries clear.

Beyond his helping you with setting boundaries around these other folks, it also looks like there are some other things you need to address in the relationship that aren't just about you or what you're doing, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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