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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I don't know if my boyfriend and I belong together

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Author Topic: I don't know if my boyfriend and I belong together
JosephineBhaer
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Okay. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for nine months, we broke up on August but we got back together on September. We've been having lots of problems mainly because of his character: Before we broke up he used to be kind of a controller, he used to get angry for the most silly things (If I didn't want him to read my blog, for example) and I must admit that he was very sad when I finished our relationship and he has changed since then. I'm a very independent girl and I hate being controlled; and I'm very sincere, if something bothers me I talk about it, and sometimes I wonder if I should be more reserved instead. My boyfriend is a little different, he loves my honesty the most of the times, specially when we talk about sex or something like that, but when I try to talk about a recent discussion he gets angry again and he says that it was just a silly misunderstanding and I should forget about it, the thing is we fight over and over for the same causes, so I think some talking should be very helpful... Anyways, he only seems willing to talk when I look determined to break up, we talk, he says we only need to fix our problems, he apologizes, he looks very sad and says we deserve another chance.
We have those arguments almost everyday, and the most of them are because of his stubbornness. He can be very hurtful sometimes, and I have cried more than ever. The thing is I've been happier than ever too, and that's why I keep forgiving him. He is very special, he is sweet, passionate, smart, cultured, protective, understanding (the most of the times), loyal, romantic, funny...
But he is very close-minded, which bothers me a lot, he makes fun of every religion, he never tries to talk when we are with my family or my friends, he puts pressure on me to do things I don't want to (Thinks like going with him to his family's house or to a party...), he's kind of a blackmailer sometimes.
Sometimes I feel selfish and I feel I should sacrifice more, I mean, do some things even if I don't want to. But it bothers me a lot when he gets angry if I don't want to do something, and he acts like I've ruined the whole day.
He's very cold to other people and that freaks me out a little, like when he told me that a friend of his wanted to suicide and asked him for help, he answered that she was weak and her situation wasn't his problem...
He's always saying that I am very important to him, that I am the love of his life...
Truth is I felt like that once, but not anymore, I have been thinking about it and I have to admit that I been unhappy lately. He has a hard situation with his family and with his job, which he hates, and I've been comprehensive and I listen to him everytime he wants to complain about how miserable his life is (and he does nothing to change something), I feel very sad about him and everything, but I think is unffair the way he treats me sometimes just because he feels frustrated.
Few days ago I told him I wanted to break up, that I'm not being happy (as I said, I'm a little too honest), and his arrogant and rude attitud (we were arguing) suddenly became sad and loving, and he said that if I left him he would be completely alone in this world, that he loves me with all his heart... he almost cried.
I think I love him, and I feel sometimes I do not try enough to make things work.
But I also wonder if it is normal to have all this doubts and to feel sad and confused about our relationship. Sometimes I daydream about the day I will meet someone new who I can be happy with all the time, I feel guilty about it.
We have had very very happy moments, as I said before, he is almost perfect, and I know nobody's perfect, but I don't know if I should stand this situation anymore, I don't know if I should accept him with those flaws that hurt me so.
That day I decided to give him a last chance and if he hurts me again then everything will be over...
But currently I feel confused and sad, I don't want to leave him, he's the kind of men I've dreamed of for all my life, you know? but I want to be incandescently happy the most of the time.
We talked a lot about future, about having a family although I don't want to marry by now (I'm 20 and he's 26), but now I think the things would get worse. Maybe I worry too much about future.
I don't have any experience, and everybody says that there are no perfect relationships. Maybe I'm asking for too much, maybe I'm not being comprehensive enough, maybe I'm being selfish.
I need an advice, I want an oppinion. Do you think I should break up with him? What can I do to improve our relationship? Should I be patient and wait for things to get better? Is it me the problem?


Thank you very much, and I'm very sorry about my weird english.

[ 01-11-2011, 06:54 AM: Message edited by: JosephineBhaer ]

Posts: 23 | From: Mexico | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
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Hi,

Based on what you have written, it sounds to me like you are in a very emotionally abusive relationship. He is not respecting your boundaries, “He can be very hurtful sometimes, and”, “I think is unfair the way he treats me sometimes just because he feels frustrated”, “it bothers me a lot when he gets angry if I don't want to do something, and he acts like I've ruined the whole day”, “he makes fun of every religion, he never tries to talk when we are with my family or my friends, he puts pressure on me to do things I don't want to ….. , he's kind of a blackmailer sometimes” and other abusive behaviors. Then you stated that he has used a classic abusive behavior where he becomes very apologetic and remorseful when you threaten to leave. You wanted an opinion as to what to do, I think you said it very well yourself in another post “You shouldn't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Never.” Do you have anyone you trust who you can talk to, locally, and help you through this, perhaps a counselor?

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Dan

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Britster
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The thing about abuse that most people don't realize is that most of the time, the abuser can seem pretty nice. But that doesn't make abuse okay. The fact that his behavior is cyclical and is more repentant if faced with you leaving him really points to abuse. Also the fact that he uses frustrations elsewhere as an excuse for his treatment of you.

Here's the cycle basically described: http://www.leavingabuse.com/cycle_of_abuse.html

And here are some signs of an emotionally abusive relationship: http://abuse101.com/emotionalabuse.html

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JosephineBhaer
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Thanks to both of you, your responses are really helpful.
You're right, Dan, and I said that because I know how it feels when you do something you don't want to. I talk with my parents a lot, actually, they know almost everything about my relationship and sometimes they say they're worried about me because they want me to be happy and they feel I could be happier without my boyfriend. It's very hard for me because, as I said, he is very supportive and sweet and I feel very comfortable with him the most of the times, like I can be myself.
Thanks for the links, Britster! I'm reading right now.
Your opinions are very very helpful and I'm glad you answered. Thank you very much!

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OWL Dan
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You're Welcome. Let us know if we can be of more help!

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Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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