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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I think my boyfriend might be bisexual?

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Author Topic: I think my boyfriend might be bisexual?
tbelle
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Okay, so I know that this question has been asked a million times.

Basically, I highly suspect that my boyfriend might be bisexual. However I do not know how to bring up my concern to him. I'm afraid he will be offended. During conversations about sexuality, I have heard him say "I'm straight" many times (almost too many times, which seems a bit odd).


If he's straight, fine. If he's bisexual, I'm not sure if I'm okay with that...even if I truly am the only one he's seeing. Maybe I should just break up with him and not reveal the real reason? I will never know the "truth" about his sexuality because no matter what he tells me, I will be suspicious.

The reason I am suspicious is because he has been telling me about a male friend that he's been hanging out with recently. He says that he's "an awesome guy". He also told me that he thinks this friend is flirting with him.

So, I'm worried that my BF might be interested in this guy, and maybe he's even seeing him in secret. So, when I tell my BF that I'm worried that he might be seeing other people, I will have to mention his male friend. I know that this might offend him greatly, because he is either unwilling to admit that he's bisexual, or maybe he really is straight.

Again...I strongly suspect that he is bisexual, even if he doesn't admit it to himself. If that is such a turn off to me, then maybe I should just tell him that it's not going to work out between us. But should I tell him why? I think it's unfair to break up with him without telling him the truth about how I feel.

And, I'm still not sure if I can end this relationship. I care about him a lot, and he's a great friend. But maybe he really should just be a friend and nothing more. [Frown]

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Heather
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Am I understanding right that you're assuming he's bisexual because he's said his friend is awesome? And because his friend is flirting with him? Are those the only reasons?

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tbelle
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No, there are many other reasons. He told me that he has never had a serious girlfriend (he's in his mid twenties now) and also that he never wants to get married or have kids.

These are just stereotypes and I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions based on that. These are his traits and I think he's a great person just the way he is. I've been dating him for about 7 months and I never became concerned until now. He mentions his friend Paul by name a lot. He said that Paul invited him over to his house to watch a movie alone together. He told me that he declined...

I know that I can't "prove" anything...but what if something really is going on without my knowing? I am worried about engaging in sexual activity with my BF if he might be seeing someone else and not telling me.

Everyone who cheats would get away with cheating if their partner never questioned them just because they couldn't prove it....right?

[ 01-10-2011, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: tbelle ]

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CoatRack
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If you suspect that your boyfriend is cheating then does it really matter if he is cheating with a guy or another girl? Sexual orientation doesn't factor into that at all. There are also all kinds of heterosexuality the stereotype that men who do not conform to what society tells us is masculine must be gay is simply untrue.

So I think what needs to happen here is a discussion about your relationship, not regarding Paul or your perception of your boyfriend's sexual orientation. A discussion about trust, honestly, and where you both see the relationship going sounds like it might be overdue. Have you ever had a talk like that with him?

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tbelle
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quote:
Originally posted by CoatRack:
If you suspect that your boyfriend is cheating then does it really matter if he is cheating with a guy or another girl?

I agree with you on this. But...I think there is a greater chance of him admitting that he is seeing another girl than another guy. Since being bi or gay is generally not accepted in our society, he might be extremely reluctant to ever admit that he is seeing a guy.

Plus, I could easily ask him if he was seeing another girl...but if I ask him about Paul, he will be offended.

So going with your logic - how is asking him if he's seeing a girl different from asking him if he's seeing a guy? Unfortunately there is a difference.

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Stephanie_1
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tbelle: You know, I'm seeing a whole lot of assumptions here. For instance, the stereotypes about his mannerisms being feminine - which can mean a whole lot of things and often doesn't ever mean what people think it will. For instance, certain clothes, shoes, names, habits all are supposedly feminine and really come down to being comfortable, being named that way, or just being something you picked up throughout life.

Too? I'm not sure I'm seeing why just because he's become close with a friend you suspect he may be cheating if you hadn't suspected it before. Especially if you don't even know for sure if he has any interest at all in men. While I agree that partners may never know if they don't ask, I also think there needs to be a reason to suspect that it's going on and I'm not sure I'm seeing one in him using someone's name, being happy to see a new friend, or feminine ways which you yourself said are stereotypes. Know what I mean?

Also, I agree with CoatRack about there needing to be some serious talks about your relationship - but on a holistic scale, and involving trust as well.

[ 01-10-2011, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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tbelle
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I think I will just talk to him about the relationship as a whole....

I guess it is wrong to question his sexuality. I don't want to be unfair.

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tbelle
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quote:
Originally posted by Stephanie_1:

Especially if you don't even know for sure if he has any interest at all in men.

How can one ever know for sure unless he actually tells me? Is it wrong for me to ask him? What exactly, does give me "reason to suspect"? I have reasons, but apparently they're invalid.
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Stephanie_1
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Honestly, if you're going to have a discussion about orientation, it shouldn't be accusatory (For instance telling someone what you think because of something you've seen or suspect). You might, for instance, talk about where you stand and ask him where he does in terms of orientation (but also understand if he doesn't want to talk about it that's his right and decision and should be respected).

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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