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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Is it really reeeally hard to find someone to love?

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Author Topic: Is it really reeeally hard to find someone to love?
luanne
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Member # 48638

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I've been attracted to two guys in my entire life. The first I've liked for five years and we were very close up to, maybe, November. Then he started being very secretive. And he wouldn't talk to me anymore. Now, when I'm around, he talks exclusively to other people, moves away from me, or dismisses everything I say. He acts disgusted by everything I do. He was my closest friend for a long time, until he metaphorically slammed the door in my face. I feel like there's something wrong with me and I'm uneasy because I don't know what it is.

Secondly- and this fella I would never, ever, ever pursue- my teacher. He's a lot like the first guy but treats me a lot better; he's just more socially aware in general. I know that's a requirement for teachers. But when I try to imagine him the way he was at my age- I don't think he would have been interested in me then any more than he would be now. I feel like he would have wanted someone more exceptional. And he did marry someone more exceptional (his wife kicks butt!)

So, since the only people I'm attracted to would never love me, I wonder if I only love people who are "better" than me (poor word choice, I know, but it's the closest to what I'm trying to say.) Does anyone else know what I mean? Or has anyone experienced this? Is it a phase? Does it only apply to infatuation? I guess I'm just looking for everyone's thoughts/experiences.

signed,
Unlovable in Utah! :/

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♥♥♥

Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
luanne
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Okay- the "better" doesn't mean unequal footing in the relationship, just that I love them so much I can't believe they would/could ever love me as much. Blast!- how convoluted.

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♥♥♥

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, I don't think it's sound to make predictions about our whole lives based on two people we had/have feelings for when we're younger. Life is pretty long, seriously, and it's kind of amazing how much longer it winds up being and feeling than you'd imagine. I say this at 40. Lord knows what I'll have to say about that in another 20 years.

Who we're attracted to also may have nothing to do with love at all. Attraction and love can co-exist, but they're not the same things at all. If they were, we'd be attracted to everyone we love, and most of us usually aren't.

Sounds like your friend turned into kind of a jerk: I'm sorry to hear about that, but I also doubt it's a reflection on you. Your imagination of your teacher at your age also may not have anything to do with what his reality was, and I don't think comparing yourself to his wife makes sense, especially since she's likely older than you, and has had more time to become the person she is and do the things she's done in her life.

In either case, I don't see any of this being about those people being "better" than you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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luanne
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Yes, I didn't mean better. I just didn't know how to say what I was thinking. I think I meant I feel really lucky to know them, and it almost doesn't seem like fortune would smile upon me enough to even know them, let alone have them feel the same way. And then they could only like me if I was a good enough person to make them feel as positive as they made me feel. That's why I'm always trying to improve myself.
Thank you for reading these posts... this statement may not be healthy, but posting on here makes me feel less alone and discouraged. [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think being honest about how we feel -- even if how we feel or think maybe isn't sound in some ways -- is always healthy.

But I also think trying to earn love by making yourself a different person is something you want to think about.

Here's the deal: people who love us, for real? They love us as we are, including when we are less than awesome, or when they're in a moment of life where in one way or another, they're more awesome than we are (or we think they are).

I think it's great for any of us to do all we can to be good people who make wonderful use of our lives, but I think we're all worthy of love no matter what, and that we need to think and know that no matter what.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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