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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » You "hate kids;" we shouldn't date anymore...?!

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Author Topic: You "hate kids;" we shouldn't date anymore...?!
Member # 34752

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This past June, I met a young guy, a childhood friend of my cousins', who we'll call B. After a week or so of being acquainted, he asked me out on a date; I was truthful and let him know that I was already dating someone at the time.

B pursued me off and on for a few months, until I had a failed dating experience or two and finally accepted his offer of a dinner date, the night before this past Thanksgiving.

We went on 3 or 4 dates, he spent the night at my apartment about an equal number of times, and we would hang out in a group from time to time for hockey games and the like. After our last date (I made us dinner, then he took us bowling) he dropped me off at home and said something along the lines of, "so, us dating... I don't think it's a very good idea." He continued to say that he wants to get married and have a family, while I don't want kids.

I calmly replied that I've always been told that I might change my mind, but it's not likely. Being that I'm only 21, am still in school (and there's a likelihood that I'll be transferring out of state around this time next year, which we'd already discussed), and am currently working part time to make my rent and bills, a child is something I can't even logically consider rigt now.

His response was that it was better that we split 3 weeks in, as opposed to going a year+ and breaking things off. B also suggested that we remain friends (I'd already mentioned to him, previously, that I don't keep in touch with more than one of my "exes;" it's not going to happen) and that we can still "have fun" (have sex?) together. Also, as I exited his car, he went, "call me!"

This was bothersome, being "dumped" for a hypthetic child, but not heartbreaking. Granted, we'd only been "together" for a few weeks, but what's upsetting is that he KNEW that I don't want children even before we started going out.

Ontop of this, he apparently has approached my cousin and a few of my friends, his acquaintances, and asked if they "hate[d] him," because he "hurt me." This has been relayed by both my cousin and two of my best friends, H and J.

I'm uncertain of any "hurt" feelings on my end; granted I'm not fond of this kid anymore, because I feel as though I was led on, considering the conversations we'd had prior to going out. The fact that he actually used the word though, and believes that he did in fact "hurt" me, leaves me feeling a bit powerless.

I spoke with H yesterday evening on the phone and she informed me of her conversation with B. According to her, B said that I'm "not ready for a serious boyfriend," because I "hate kids," while he's hoping to settle down and have a family in a few years.

Right. I don't *hate* kids... Well, ok, some of them I do, but that's neither here nor there. Even still, how in he world does that correlate to me not wanting to have a serious, caring, respectful relationship? Anyone...?

By the end of our conversation, H told me not to worry about it and that, from her perspective, the dude's a jerk; one goes through meeting many a not-so-nice guy before finding one worth dating.

I also spoke with J last night and his take on it is that B really did like me, which he'd also mentioned prior to B and I going out at all, but that he mostly likely is insecure; things were going well (B attested to enjoying our time together as he was "breaking up" with me) and he was scared, so cut himself off. J also correlated his probable insecurity with B asking him, while talking to H, if he "did the right thing."

I'm not entirely certain as to how I should feel about all of this. I've seen B since and, being that we have quite a few mutual acquaintances, I'll likely be seeing him again soon. I'm cordial, say "hello," and even responded to his "Merry Christmas" text message, in spite of myself. ("Same to you," was my only reply.)

Am I overreacting? The primary reason why I went out with this guy is because he was touted as such a nice gentleman b our mutual acquaintances, which he genuinely seemed to be at the time, but this is far from the result I anticipated from dating him.

For a better perspective on this, as mentioned I'm 21; B is 27/28 years old.

Posts: 19 | From: United States | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39222

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I'm sorry you're going through this. : ( I'll try to give you my best answer:

Of course we'll never know exactly what his motives are, but given the age difference it is quite likely that you two are at vastly different parts of your lives. He's 27/28 and probably isn't lying that he's at a part of his life where he's thinking of a relationship involving a long-term partnership of some part and it sounds like one that might have kids involved. From what I understand whether you want children in the way future or not is immaterial as he seems to want children sooner rather than later.

This is not to say that he didn't have other motives. Maybe he just didn't click with you due to the age difference, immediate goals, the particular date you first learned to tie your shoes, or whatever. But the reality is that you only dated for three week which is really the period where you decide whether it's worth it to keep dating or not. It probably still hurts, especially since he seems to be throwing in insensitive and confusing signals, but you might count yourself lucky to realize early in that he's not necessarily a person you want to date than later.

Posts: 46 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34752

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That, Obi, is something I can understand. In my phone call with H last night, she relayed the same suggestion. My qualm with that though comes in two parts...

1) Becuase I don't want children, that strikes me from the candidate list for getting wed? I would like to get married some day, provided I find the right person, of course.
2) If the no-kids-allowed policy was dealbreaker from the get-go, why bother to date me AT ALL, let alone a month, or six months, or a year, y'know?

Granted, no one has any answers other than B, but he apparently doesn't want to discuss anything with me, therefore, I'm reluctant to broach the subject with him. That, more likely than not, would end badly and with even harder feelings than have already been aroused.

[ 12-28-2010, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Splice ]

Posts: 19 | From: United States | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I don't think it's sound to decide how everyone you date may feel because of how one person did.

Apparently, according to this person and what he wants for himself, marriage for him also means children. It doesn't for everyone.

No one here could tell you why he dated you from the start knowing this about you from the start: to do that, we'd have to be mid-readers, a power we'd love to possess to be able to help with questions like this, but we don't! [Smile] But you already know that.

I don't really see the point of actually putting more energy in this or talking to this guy about why he didn't want to continue to date. As Obi said very well, dating is always going to be like this in some respect, usually on both sides. And sometimes, we won't even have a reason why we don't want to keep dating someone, we'll just know that we don't. It'd be one thing if you two had been dating for at least a few months, but a week is a VERY short period of time, short enough, I'd say, that investing any more in this further would be way more than it's worth.

I think it's always a good idea to check in with ourselves and be sure we're up for the rollercoaster that dating can be at a given time, because it can very much be one. We want to be sure we can handle things like this, and also pace ourselves well so that we're not getting too attached or invested too soon. Know what I mean?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 51438

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I had a similar thing, I really don't want kids and my long term boyfriend does, except we're (just about) still together. I have several good reasons for not wanting kids (being 17, wanting to go to uni, being useless with kids under 5). I do feel bad, but at the end of the day, it is my uterus.


Posts: 11 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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